Wave Granny! You're on the Internet.

My Granny: In 10 points or less.

If you think the stories about my mom are good, you should meet my Granny. This would be my mom's mom. Oh my.

1. Mom informed me last night that Granny is still an avid reader of my "blob." Which makes me happy. In fact, she told mom that she was reading it a day or so ago and it made her hungry for meatloaf. When mom asked if she used the recipe I gave she just laughed and said, "Well, Lord, no."

2. Granny worked for 182 years at the Diboll post office. There are approximately 94 people in Diboll and my granny knows each one of them by name, their best friends, their dog, their science partner from the 5th grade and how much they pay in taxes. She still checks in on them and sends gifts when their grandchildren have children. She has been retired from the Diboll post office and not living within a 20 mile radius of Diboll for the last 30 years. And they still miss her.

3. My Granny was once late to a funeral. When she slid in next to my mom she had taco sauce down the front of her blouse. She said she had driven through Taco Bell and they had purposely given her "an exploding taca." Yes, I said taca. So did she. My mom got tickled and had to leave the funeral.

4. My Granny once mailed me a letter that I have kept to this day. When the AG and I were first married we didn't have a penny to our name. She knew we were broke and were believing God would provide. When I received her letter it had one little mustard seed taped to the front of it. Just looking at the mustard seed meant the world to me...

5. When I opened the letter all it said was, "Melissa be good to him. You don't deserve him. Don't act like your mother."

6. My Granny still mails me things she has cut out of the newspaper for me. Comic strips, questions for Ann Landers, police reports and recipes for diabetics. I am not a diabetic.

7. My Granny is 77 years old. She faithfully serves the Senior Citizens group lunch at our church once a month. She fervently believes she is not yet old enough to be a member. She refers to "them" as in "'they' love to hear bible stories," "'they' love to see books with pictures in them." When mom asked who she was talking about she said "the old people."

8. You can go to my Granny's house at any given time during the week and she will prepare you a meal. Don't all grandmothers? But ahhh...mine is different. Only Granny will serve you cottage cheese, taco soup, 3 boiled wieners, fried okra, spaghetti and cheesecake. All. At. One. Time.

9. My Granny came all the way to Tennessee to hear me sing at a special showcase my senior year of college. This was a big deal for me and I was so excited to have her come. After my 30 minute performance she threw her hands up in the air and clapped as loudly as everyone else. Then turned to my mom and said, "I didn't understand one word she said."

10. My Granny knows everyone in the free world. Everyone. So once my dad said to her, "Mary, I need you to help me with something. I'm looking for someone to mow my yard." Granny thought for a minute and said, "Okay Gene, I'll try, but I've never done anything like that before."

Dear Lovelies, you're comin' through. Loud and clear.

I love you all who read my blog. I really do. I call you "my lovelies."
And I mean it when I say it. I'm not being mean and sarcastic - like I am a good majority of the time.

And I love that you all feel the freedom, the unadulterated freedom, to critique me at a moment's notice if you do not like what I'm dishing out.

Really I do. I'm being honest.

Sorta.

So far I've received emails regarding my frequent misspellings. Now just so you know, I do hit spellcheck people. So if the computer doesn't catch it, do you really think that I'm going to? Do you think that I think that I am smarter than a computer? I mean c'mon.

Oh, and then there's the actual, literal, phone call I received to let me know that kickin' a shout out to my good friend Kelli on her birthday was both boring and cheezy.
(By the way, I've already told Kelli about said phone call. And she was both hurt and also a little in agreement.)
I was warned that if I ever try to kick a shout out again to a friend that this person will just bypass it altogether and go somewhere else for her daily blog fix.
Apparently it's only fun to read about someones birthday if it's yours. Duly noted.

And now I have been given word that the recipe contest is getting old and overdone. Or overcooked, I suppose I should say. Well as Steve Martin said "Well exxccuuuusssseee mmmme." (And yes I know that was misspelled. It's s'posed to be.)
My fear was that if you all sent in these recipes and then I tried them at home and gave the prize to the winner that you would think I was lying and didn't really try them (which could very easily happen knowing my penchant for all things Pancho's and that I generally ask to eat out 5 to 6 times a week.) Or that you would think I just gave the prize to someone I liked and wanted to give a gift too. (Though this wouldn't be true because I genuinely like very few people and I certainly don't buy other people gifts for no reason.) So that's why the whole recipe thing has been going on since 1998. I've only got 3 more recipes left - although the Attorney General has told me he's tired of eating meat. So I'm not sure how the meatballs or the other meatloaf is going to go over.
Okay, okay, I may be cutting it short. But it's not my fault. Besides, let's be honest ladies - you're not gonna beat Carole who put in two sleeves of Ritz Crackers. It's just not gonna happen!

Okay, so you all give me your complaints. Well, here's one of mine. See that little comment button at the bottom?? Use it. How else do you know how popular you are or how much your worth is valued at if people don't leave you messages telling you on a regular basis?

You know I kid, right?

So what do you want to hear about? My hair? I can do that. My child? Oh please say "yes." Give me suggestions. Seriously. Tell me what you want to hear more of and baby, I'll deliver.

Oh, and the other complaint I received was that the stories about my mom are "boring and no one cares...besides 90% of it is made up." But that came from her - so it doesn't count.

That is not Velveeta.

Well, I knew this day would finally come. The day I made a recipe and forgot to take pictures. Please forgive me, although let's be honest, what were those pictures really helping? As if you don't know what ground meat looks like, I have to take a picture for you? Seriously, I can't babysit you all like this anymore.

I kid.

THE MEAL

So tonight we had Nicolle's Meatloaf.

Now, before we go any further let's go ahead and make it known that meatloaf is something I do try and cook, occasionally. Especially for my meat and potatoes man that I love. But over the years I have never come across a recipe that the AG has loved all that much. Until about a year ago. I tried my hand one night at Paula Deen's Cheeseburger Meatloaf. I think he saw the Lord that night. So to my dear, sweet friend who sent me the recipe I cooked tonight... no offense, but no one can compete with Paula. It's a losing battle for all of us mere mortals who try and keep the home fires burning. So don't take it personally.

The recipe is good and easy though. Which I love:

1 lb. sirloin

1/2 white onion, finely chopped

1/2 cup bread crumbs

salt and pepper

3 tblsp. mustard

1 tblsp. ketchup

5 tblsp. BBQ sauce

Cream of chicken soup

Mix all ingredients except for soup, make a big burger/loaf and put in loaf pan and cook at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to one hour or until done. The last 10 minutes, take the loaf out of the oven, pour soup over the top and cook for 10 more minutes.

THE TIPS

My recipe-giver suggests' Open Pitt BBQ sauce but I just used some that we had leftover from eating at SaltGrass last week (which on another note, I highly recommend.)

She said to pair it with mashed potatoes and corn. So I did. It was Americana at it's finest.

THE RESULTS

Well, when I pulled it out of the oven the AG immediately got excited when he thought the soup was actually a layer of ...VELVEETA...covering the loaf. Can you believe that would actually excite someone? Lordy.

After I explained that it wasn't Velveeta I also had to explain that "No, it doesn't have fried onions on the top." "No, it doesn't have 2 cups of cheddar cheese in the middle of it." See what you're up against when you give a man a slab of Paula Deen on a plate? Therefore the AG could only give it two gavels. While I, for it's sheer ease, and the fact that I should have lied and told him it was Velveeta, give it three.

Resulting in...2 1/2 gavels (out of 5) gavels.

Well played, Carol. Well played.

I cooked again last night. (I am really on a roll, ya'll.) And just so you know, we may have a winner. Don't be scared though - we still have a few recipes to go yet - but last night's was mighty good. Here's why...


THE MENU


Last night was Carole's Chicken Casserole. But really it should be called Carol's Chicken and Angioplasty Surprise. In other words, my dad's heart doctor, would not have been a Carol Fan. But who cares! He doesn't get a vote.


I am an avid reader of Southern Living Magazine because with any recipe they give you, you can almost be assured you will have the ingredients in your house. Same with Carol. Who doesn't have these things? I ask you. In fact, if you don't just naturally have sour cream, white meat chicken, Ritz crackers and butter laying around your house - chances are, it would never work out between us.



Here's what you do:

Line bottom of 9x9 ( or 8x8) baking dish with a sleeve of crushed cracker crumbs and pour melted butter over the top.
Boil chicken until done. Cut up.
Combine chicken, 1 can cream of chicken soup, 16 oz. container of sour cream and pour over cracker crumbs.
Crush more crackers on top and top with melted butter.
Bake for 30-40 minutes at 350 until top is browned and crispy.

* Much like Poppy Seed chicken that I got from a few folks, but just no poppy seeds on top.


Carole wasn't very descriptive in how much Ritz to use or how much butter to use. So I just assumed she meant - a lot! And I went for it.



THE TIPS:


I wasn't sure how much chicken to add, so I added enough for my family - 3 breasts. But next time I might add one more just for a little more chicken less goo. But that depends on what kind of mood I'm in.


I didn't change anything since it was so easy, but I did pair it with a green salad so at least if I died in the middle of eating it God would show me some mercy.


THE RESULTS:


Needless to say the Attorney General and I loved it. In fact, I hoped to goodness he had a lunch meeting today so that I could have to rest for my lunch instead of packing it up for him. Thankfully, he did. In the middle of eating it he asked what was different about this than something similar to it we had eaten before. I told him the Ritz crackers and butter were on the top - AND THE BOTTOM. He replied, "Well played, Carol. Well played."


I agreed. Carol, my friends, is in it to win it.


So we give it a: 5 (out of 5) gavels!

Where's the beef?

You had to know that title was coming sooner or later.

I have to be totally honest with all of you. I was not looking forward to tonight's meal. No offense to the precious Miss Kim who sent it in, but it was full of fresh things. Full of greens and reds. Full of goodness. Yawn.

But upon closer inspection of the recipe I noticed that it called for 3/4 - 1 cup of mayo. And my friends, things started looking up.

THE MEAL:

So tonight I made Kim's Pasta Salad.

This was not like things I usually make. When I go to the grocery I don't normally stay on the outer section. Did you know they serve fruit and veggies at the grocery store? I know! I normally stay on the inside aisle; where the good things grow.

Here's what you do:

1 box of shell pasta (cooked according to directions and rinsed with cold water)
1 can of black olives, chopped or sliced
1/4 cup chopped green pepper
1/4 cup chopped onion
small can sliced mushrooms, drained
1-2 chopped fresh tomatoes
3/4 - 1 cup of Miracle whip light

Mix and enjoy!

THE TIPS:

Okay, first of all, it calls for a tomato. But the AG hates tomatoes, so I have to be tricky. If I put in those little cherry tomatoes then he doesn't really think he's eating a real tomato. Okay, he's probably figured this little trick out since he's 35 and all...but I think he's just being sweet to me and doesn't want to be too difficult. But I add the little cherry tomatoes since we have this little game going.

Also, it calls for Miracle Whip light. Light mayonnaise? Okay, this goes against everything I believe as a Christian woman. A believer. A wife. An American. I cannot fathom putting light mayo in anything. So even though the recipe calls for it - and it may even make the recipe taste better - I couldn't do it. So I prayed about it. And God agreed.

THE RESULTS:

You have to know the Attorney General loves him some pasta salad. In fact, he knew this was coming up on this weeks menu and he has asked about it every night. Every. Single. Night. I was happy to make his dream come true tonight by serving this up on a plate for him. Of course his first comment? "Is there any meat in here? Would a little chicken really hurt?" Hmph.

I probably will add a little chicken to it next time, just to make it a complete meal for the AG. But I liked sitting down to it, it was light and easy and I would be throwing the chicken in for him. Not for me. Well, maybe a little for me.

I am not huge on pasta salad, so this wasn't something I would want to make all the time. But he loved it. But he has the mind of an 80 year old and could eat at Golden Corral every night just for the pasta and macaroni salad bar.

She, however, loved it. And on occasion I would see her just licking the mayo off of her hands. That'samygirl.

So if you average our thoughts together you get: (3 out of 5 gavels)

Fried Chicken and Julio. Mmm, mmm, good.

So today I worked hard. Really hard. So hard that all I want to do is lay in bed and complain about how hard I worked today.

So my friend came over today and worked my fat fingers to the bone. And that's a whole lot of work! My kitchen is in top running, effective order. All my pots and pans are stacked and my spices are arranged and my pantry is organized. You may think...that sounds pretty simple to do, Melissa, you can't do that on your own? No.

In fact, let's put it this way...when she began cleaning out one of my kitchen cabinets she found 8 cans of green beans, about 14 cans of soup (which we never eat), a rose scented candle, about 60 random Kleenex, some empty bags from Publix, some Rotel, a colon cleansing system and a book on adoption. Those are the things I keep in a kitchen cabinet.

And the "fellowship hall" closet is actually HUGE! Who knew??

Oh, and in case your wondering where the recipes have been. Here's the deal. Last night was Wednesday night. Wednesday night is church night and I don't cook on Wednesday nights. I barely have time to eat on Wednesday nights. So we do leftovers. Or Taco Bell. Last night we did leftovers. So thank you again to Kristen's Chicken Pot Pie and Ashley's Taco Ring. It didn't earn you any more gavels the second go round, though. So don't get your hopes up.

Then tonight...well, I'm an addict. Let's just say that. After a long day of working around the house and my sweet AG having a really hard day at work I felt we needed to celebrate. And nothing says "celebrate" to me quite like fried chicken. So fry it up, I did! And oh ya'll....it was goooooood.

I'm sorry, I'm not bailing on the recipe challange - honest I'm not. I just needed something to make me feel a bit of comfort tonight. And don't think I didn't search this house high and low for some Reese's that I might have hid, but chances are Miss Organization threw them away without asking. I hate her.

I suppose before I sign off for the night I should address the sweet lady who emailed me totally offended that I called Julio Iglesias an easy, cheezy, Mexican. She is a huge fan of his and was upset that I had referred to him as a Mexican when he was born in Galatia, but raised in Madrid. She also wanted me to know that is he neither easy nor cheesy and sent me a link where I could watch him host a television show from Spain in the 1970's. And so it is time that I address the comments I made and make sure she is alright.

But I won't.

Good night my lovelies.

Someone please call and check on me tomorrow. If I am in this mood again then I am going to try and slide up under my bed and find those lost Reese's. And if I get stuck...

A Couple Things...

Okay, so here are just some random things that I feel important to mention.

1. I am excited about tomorrow. And I'll probably be excited until I'm about 10 minutes into it. But tomorrow I am having someone come to my house and...
Clean it?? No.
Paint it?? Wrong again.
Torch it?? Nope.
ORGANIZE IT! That's right. A friend of mine has her own business and she organizes (and cleans) your home for a living.

Isn't it amazing how God made each of us so different? For instance, she wants to organize my home and I want to sit and do my nails while I watch her.

Her first task is to tackle what my friends and family all refer to as the "Fellowship Hall Closet". (If you've been in church very long at all, you get that reference.) She'll have that cleaned up and spiffed up and junk thrown out and dishes given away so fast - it'll make your head spin. Then she said she planned on moving furniture, cleaning out from behind beds and armories. I didn't even know that could be done. She's tackling my closets and our home office. She said there a "place for every pan and every pan should be in it's place." Just between you and me, it's like she's speaking Spanish half the time, but I just shake my head and tell her how excited I am.

I'll let you all know how it goes.

2. So chances are you have received this mass email that has been going around about the Oprah Winfrey fiasco. I received it last night, and there's something I want to say on the topic. But before I do, please take one second and watch it.

However, let me say this first. I have never, ever downloaded anything on my blog for people to watch - I'm not really a big fan of doing that (mainly because I've never known how.) And before you watch it I want to warn you...The first part ? Cheezy. The last part? Cheezy. The middle part? Horrific.

I'll be back with more after you're done.



You know whoever created this video put a lot of time and effort into making sure that the narrators voice was booming and effective. That the graphics looked good and the colors were impactful. But after all the time they spent, only one thing moved me. It wasn't the narration or the music from The Passion of the Christ that played at the end. It wasn't the picture of the family standing together at the cross or "church of Oprah" graphics.

It was that one woman who stood up and said something.
It was that same woman who sat with her legs crossed hoping to have a wonderful day seeing the most powerful woman in the world do what she does best - talk.
It was that same woman who entered that studio like it was any other day; as just another fan.
It was that same woman who spoke the truth against Oprah when no one else in that studio dared do so.

That, my friends, was the most powerful woman in the room. And it's not Oprah I want to be like...it's her.

I told the AG at lunch today how glad I was God didn't give me that task on that day. I feared I wouldn't be strong enough to speak out like that. But this afternoon, as I thought long and hard about it, I wish to re-tract my statement. I would be strong. Not overly strong, mind you. And not just a little too weak.

But just strong enough.

I'm saddened about Oprah. I think she was given a platform unlike anyone else I've ever seen in my lifetime. And I'm sad about what she's done with it. But that's being a tad selfish, isn't it? The truth is I'm sad for her. Her, personally. Not her platform or her pedestal, not her following or her exposure. I'm sad for her heart. I'm sad it's been led astray. I'm sad it tricked her. I'm sad it convinced her that everything she needed was found right there, inside of her heart. Because we know "the heart is deceitful above all things." And we know there'll be no place for her in heaven as long as she believes that her heart will lead her there.

But ya know what? God is still God. Whether Oprah knows it or not.
So I wouldn't count Him out just yet.

"What is that? Some kind of turkey wreath?"

Let me get one thing straight. Fancy, I ain't.

So no laughing.

THE MEAL:

Tonight we had Ashley's Taco Ring.

Love, love, loved it!

Here's what you do. Now, you'll want to grab a pen and paper. Or better yet, a digital voice recorder because the ingredients are lengthy and the instructions? Impossible. So hold on to your apron.

1 pound ground meat / turkey

Taco seasoning

Cheese

2 things of Crescent Rolls

Onion (if you want)

Brown your meat until done. Add taco seasoning (and water. And cook according to package directions.) After finished cooking, add cheese - as much as you like. Stir together. (These are Ashley's directions verbatim) "Now place your crescent rolls in one of those cheezy little Pampered Chef rings" and fill. Cook at 375 for 20-25 minutes until golden brown.

THE TIPS:

Her recipe didn't call for onion, but in my family onion is like a fruit. We eat it in everything. So I added it to my meat while it was cooking so it could soften.

Of course you have to buy Mexican cheese - cheddar just won't do.

After I placed it the meat in the silly ol' Pampered Chef ring (which I secretly thought was super cool and far beyond anything "homemakerish" I have ever done. Ever.), but before I folded the edges over I poured a little Taco Sauce on top. And then a little Old El Paso Zesty Ranch sauce. We love that stuff.

And I served it with a blackbean/rotel/corn salad. We love this at Radke Ranch!

THE RESULTS:

I loved this meal. I am not hard to please when it comes to my dinner. I like my dinners kind of like Julio Iglesias - easy, cheesy and Mexican. It didn't take long to fix and when I was done I wished that I had friends coming over to eat and watch AI with us because I was so awed at how my ring turned out.

The Attorney General also liked it because it was easy to eat in front of the TV. Keep in mind we all sat around the table tonight, but those were his words, "this would be easy to eat in front of the TV." And let's be honest, sometimes that's important. Who are we kidding?

But when he walked in from work he looked at and said, "What is that? Some kind of turkey wreath?" Uh! Offensive! It's a "taco ring." Get it right. Men.

However, the AG asked specifically that I use ground meat next time. I told him that due to the 8 crescent rolls making up said ring I was trying to do his heart a favor. He still wants red meat. And I have to agree. Turkey meat is not known for it's absorbing qualities, so the taste of the taco seasoning didn't really stick to it. I would prefer ground round next time as well. And maybe offset it by using those new low-fat crescent rolls. APRIL FOOL'S!

We're not even going to discuss Remi because she simply ate the crescent rolls and let the rest fall out of her mouth. She did down 8 pounds of Mandarin oranges though, so that should count for something.

This might not be for everyone's family, but we liked it. But we're just really good, salt of the earth, don't come better than us, down home kind of people. Maybe your too pretentious.

So the AG and I give this: 4 (out of 5) gavels.

The Last Time I Talked to My Mother...

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

So, what do you think of my new look? I really like it. And it's not just because every time I pull it up I get to see a picture of myself. Honest.

I can't thank Misty enough for all of her hard work. She really went into a little "overtime" on this one. And it's not because I'm demanding and a bit of a diva to work with. Honest.

But if you know me at all then you know I needed a new look. That blog was old, tired. I needed something fresh, exciting, inviting, relevant. I personally believe a woman should change her blog like she changes her hair. Which means I'll be blond by next Tuesday and this entire thing will change again once I give in to the slightest shift in hormones.

Anyhoo...

So I call my mother the other day to give her a Remi story. This is what is required when grandparents live 12 hours away (which I am getting kind of sick of, by the way. I would like them here. Now. Funny, the AG holds a different position on this subject.) So anyway I have to call Texas to let them know the latest Remi story - and it really is funny, indeed - when my mom sweetly informs me that she watched the latest Dateline exclusive on the two girls who were mistakenly identified. You know the story? Goodness I hope so, cause there is not enough space here to try and explain it.

She proceeds to tell me the story in its entirety although I think I told her, "Mom, I watched it" four or five different times.

"So the girl they thought was dead..."

"Mom, I watched it."

"She wasn't dead at all, even though they had held her funeral."

"I know mom, I watched it."

"Do know what she said when Matt Lauer asked her about..."

"Yep I do - cause I watched it."

"I wish you could have seen how sweet these two families were. That is how Christians are supposed to do their business."

"I agree. Cause I watched it."

Considering that getting mistaken for someone else, being cared for night and day by a family I've never laid eyes on, later being discovered to be alive as opposed to dead, and then watching my actual funeral on video is, in fact, one of my biggest fears, I was relieved to hear her say.
Oh yes, here it comes. Wait for it. Wait for it.

"I just want you to know that could never happen to you."

"What?"

"That would just never happen to you. I would never get you confused with someone else. You don't have to worry about that. BECAUSE I KNOW EVERY INCH OF YOUR BODY."

Yep, we all just put down our forks on that one. Didn't we?

Surprise!

Good morning Melissa. I hope you love your new blog design. I think it is perfect!

Happy Tuesday!
M