Jul 25, 2011

I Like My Bralettes With A Side of Texas Toast.

Here, I provided a link for you.....because I'm really accessible like that.


Go to it. Go to it and read what made InStyle magazines
Top Bras of 2011.

Go ahead and read it. I'll wait.

Did you read it? Did you notice that there were a lot of great bras that look really good worn under Gap t-shirts? Because as you know, nothing says "Middle-aged-mom-of-two" like a form fitting see through t-shirt from Gap. For pete's sake.

Oh, and also one was called a Bralette. Ummmm, girls like me don't wear "bralettes" - and not because it sounds like a vegetable that tastes better when fried ("oh yeah, I'd love some bralettes. Do you have ranch to dip them in?") - but because Bralettes don't work for any and all girls that have graduated from 8th grade.

So now, on to my list. Oh no, don't worry, I'm not coming up with a list of The Best Bras of 2011A. Nope. Been done. I'm doing my very own...

Melissa's Top Five Worst Bra's of All Time

working title: Melissa's Top Five Worst Bra Moments and if You've Had Them Too,

I'm Sorry.

(Here they are in no particular order):

1. If your Granny tells you she wants to take you bra shopping....and you let her....I'm sorry. If she proceeds to take you to one store....in Diboll....I'm sorry. If there is not a bra within a fifty mile radius that has less than six hooks on the back.....I'm sorry. If the only way the store owner can gage your size is by cupping your bosoms and yelling out, "We're gonna need that box in the back!" I'm truly, very sorry.

2. Do not watch infomercials on Sunday afternoons. You know you're tired. But you will be easily swayed by the bright lights and all the women smiling and their super white teeth. And then you will go and get your credit card - just like the robot they have brainwashed you into being. And then you will order what they're offering. A buy 3 for $20 special on Aah Bra's. And from the moment you put them on you will regret that $20 because you could have easily spent $8.99 on mosquito netting and produced the same results. But you still wear them. Only you have to wear all three of them at once. The ladies with the really shiny teeth never had to do that.

3. If it is your birthday and you're mother hands you a check for $50 and says, "Take this check and cash it. Put the money in your purse. Don't pull in to a movie theatre or a Chik-fil-A, do you hear me? Put the money in your purse. Drive straight to Dillards and buy you a bra. A real bra. For big boobs. Because you aren't kidding anyone. Find one that fits and that doens't embarrass your daddy. And then wear it. Day and night. Happy Birthday." Just save yourself the heartache and do it.

4. If your search for a new bra gives you three "Are You Sure's" then chances are you are barking up the wrong tree. Case in point: I bought a beautiful new summer outfit that I just loved and I wanted to wear it to a special event. I tried it on for Meridith who asked what bra I would be wearing. I told her it would only work with a strapless bra, she replied, "Strapless? Are you sure?" Later that evening I tried it on for the Attorney General. He did a once over and said,

"Are you wearing a..."

"No, because I need to go buy a strapless one."

"For who? For you? A strapless? Are you sure?"

Upon entering the store I asked the saleslady to direct me right to the strapless bra area. She mentioned that they had a new line of underwires in; they were in my size and had been made from prison wire from the gates of Alcatraz no doubt. I reminded her I was there for strapless.......she simply asked, "Are you sure?" Turns out strapless bras don't keep me in the game, ifyouknowwhatImean. And yes, I'm sure.

5. It is Christmas. You are at a party. In fact, you are about to sing at said party. Your cousin, who shall remain nameless (MERIDITH!) asks you, "What bra are you wearing?" You know there is likely to be trouble.


"Because I can see right through your shirt and I'm pretty sure I see..."

"I have on a bra. In fact, I have on a cami over it."

"Let me see."



"Fine." I raise my shirt.

"I can see through this, Melissa! You can't go out there like this."

"But I have on a cami..."

"That I can see through."

"And I'm wearing that over my bra..."

"Which I can see through."

"And I'm wearing my bra over those three..."
"Not the infomercial bras. Enough with those. Throw those away! So you have on three Aah Bra's, a normal bra and a cami? Did you have nothing else?"

"I had a strapless."

"YOU have a strapless? Are you sure?"


"I don't understand how I can still see through all FIVE layers, Melissa. Where is the good bra your mom bought you for your birthday?"

"I drove past a Chik-fil-A."