Idol Chatter.

I don't think in all my years of watching American Idol I have ever posted on it. Maybe I have, I really don't know. Besides, I try to erase from my memory from anything I post on here (want to know why? See this, this and this.)

But now I will give you all my take on American Idol because I feel certain you have all been sitting around, biting your nails, wishing for this.

You haven't?

Hmmph.

Last night's Idol was "songs from motion pictures." I would now - for the record - like to list 4 great songs that no one thought of. Why, I do not know.

1. Holding Out For A Hero (Bonnie Tyler) - Footloose
2. Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler) - Bandits

I would now like to go on record as saying that I heart cheesy power ballads. And I double heart Bonnie Tyler. And I triple heart Footloose, so let's go with any song from that movie.

3. Rapper's Delight (Sugarhill Gang) - The Wedding Singer

Please note: These songs are not personal suggestions for anyone to sing. Though I feel certain that kid that looked like Chicken Little from Season 5 could have tore this up.

4. Think (Aretha Franklin) - The Blues Brothers ("Two whole chickens and some dry white toast." Anyone remember that?)

Okay...on with my thoughts.

Dear Allison,

Just one week would you dye your hair black just so we can see how it looks? Please? I heard your voice described as "a set of vocal chords that have been marinating in Jack Daniels for 30 years." I couldn't have said it better myself. For 16 you are amazing. I do not think you did yourself justice with that song from Armageddon, but mainly because:
1. No one can sing like Stephen Tyler. NO ONE. (Hey Adam, NO ONE.)
2. And lastly because no one can sing like Stephen Tyler.
So next week, sing something from Pink. That's who you sound like. And color your hair...black...just for me. Think about it.

Dear Anoop,

I love you. I really do. I don't know why everyone has been so mad at you and continually putting you in the bottom three. I'm confused by this. I think you are cute as a button, you have a beautiful voice and I loved you in Slumdog Millionaire. Granted, the song you chose was as cheesy as heck and all I could think of while you were singing it was the date I went on to Robin Hood with a really cute cowboy who yawned the entire time and then apologized for it by saying, "Sorry, I was up early cutting meat." I never really figured out what that meant, but I gave up cowboys and married an attorney. And I have to say, things worked out a lot better for me. I hope they work out for you, too. I think you deserve to stay longer than Lil, for Pete's sake.

Dear Adam,

Uh...................................I'm not a fan. And it's not because I feel like I am watching a Broadway musical every time you perform. And it's not because you gyrate, though I hate it when people "gyrate." And it's not because you lick the microphone like you're trying to get it pregnant. It's because you wear more make-up than my 10th grade science partner. Bare Minerals. The end.

Dear Matt,

Dude. What is up? You could have sang any song from the movie Ray and yet you chose a Brian Adams song from a movie about a shirtless Lothario? What gives? My desire is for you to shave your head, wear white sneakers, sit behind a piano and sing Senorita. Oh, wait. Maybe my desire is just to go download Justin Timberlake from itunes and call it a day.

Dear Kris,

That performance? A.W.E.S.O.M.E. Really wonderful. Delicate and simple. And who in their right mind doesn't like that song? You just keep showin' up, little man.

Dear Danny,

Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny. I want you to marry Meridith. Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny. You and Meridith would be perfect for each other. I like you so much. And I love your voice. But Meridith, she loooooovvvveeesss you. And it's not just because you sang Endless Love and it's not because you kind of got weepy eyes when you sang it and it's not because your eyeglasses are the cutest thing since Leo's side swept bangs. It's because...okay, I lied, it's because of all those things.

Dear Lil,

It's been nice knowin' ya, Lil. But my dear, you tried to do something that I will always and forever object to: You tried to pull off a Bette Midler song. And pulling off a Bette Midler song can only, should only, be done by - ME. Of course, this is my own personal opinion, but it's one I'm sticking to. I guess I just find it astonishing that out of all the songs (Hello! Preacher's Wife, DreamGirls, Body Guard and Blues Brothers) you chose, The Rose. Hmmm. Call your kids, momma's coming home.

So there you have it. My thoughts.

Oh, and just so you all know, if I was on American Idol on movie soundtrack night I would be breaking out in some Queen of the Night, oh yes I would. Would it be good? No. It'd probably be horrible, but I'd go down in a flame - that's for sure.

Meridith said it's too bad that American Idol isn't for people in my "age range". She said, "American Idol was made for someone like you, Melissa. You have so many different personalities, and you could showcase them all."

I don't think anyone has ever said anything that nice to me.