Jan 26, 2008

Somethin' Bad's Goin' Down at the Changs.

I will never eat at PF Changs again.
So let it be written.
So let it be done.

Okay, maybe not ever. But at least not for a few months. Unless The Attorney General wants to go there. And if he's buying? Baby, I'm going.

I love PF Changs. I do. I love it as much as the next caucasian who goes in thinking they are trendy, and ethnic. I love their lettuce wraps all filled to the brim. In fact, I never think they bring enough. They over do on the lettuce, under do on the filling. I love their fried rice and kung pao chicken. I love their honey chicken. And I would put my mom up for sale on Craig's List for one piece of The Great Wall of Chocolate.

But on this particular day I went in innocently enough - me and The Attorney General and Remi and mom and dad and Mallory. We weren't looking for any trouble. But dear friends I got up and went to the ladies room around 12:15 and I didn't see the light of day until about 2:30. I kid you not. Mom said she expected me to walk out with a makeover or something since I was in there so long.

So here is what one experiences when they are left to die in stall number 3 at the Cool Spring PF Changs...

I experienced two teenage girls who came in giggling, texted three boys from their school - Chet, Burke and Jay - and made plans later that night to "hook up" with them at the movies. *To the mama's of Chet, Burke and Jay: keep those boys inside tonight. All the while I am trying to give off silent warnings of them to leave. For the Love of God and all that is Holy please leave! They can't hear me over their giggles.

An older lady comes in (I am guessing on the age, I couldn't see her face but could smell her cologne: Chloe) and decides stall 1 and stall 2 are not to her liking and will lean against the wall and wait on stall 3. WHY GOD? WHY? I place my head in my hands and pray for it to all be over. Finally, after me having 3 cold sweats and 1 near fainting spell she relents. Turns on her heels and leaves. Here's my thought...if stall 3 was where she wanted to be then how ungodly must stall 1 and stall 2 have been?

Mallory taps on the door.
"Melissa, are you all right?"
"Go away."
"Mom wanted me to come and ask."
"GO away."
"Mom also wants to know if know where she left her new earrings. She couldn't find them this morning."
"She also said to remind you to go and buy some Big Sexy Hairspray."
"GO AWAY!!!"
"I'm telling mom."

Felicia, the local real estate broker comes in with a BIG call, a BIG call. I know this because she continues to repeat to the other end, "I know, I know I've been waiting for a call like this. This is a big call. I've been waiting all week for a call this big." Felicia then shuts up for one second. Apparently takes a deep breath. And leaves.

I rush out and put cold towels on my face. I hurry back to stall number 3 before old lady comes back in. I take the cold towels with me.

I pray to God to bless my husband with a good woman who is fun (but not that fun), heavy and cheap (Dave Ramsey cheap. Not hooker cheap.) I pray for Remi to grow up and be a godly woman who will inherit the White House. And then I commit my soul to Him and ask Him to please come quickly.

45 minutes later and I am not dead. Barely.

I walk out of the stall to find Felicia still on the phone. Two tweeners sitting slumped over at their parents table while texting underneath the table cloth. And "old woman" passes me to give stall number 3 a shot. She is in there for all of 2 seconds. Apparently stall number 3 was not up to snuff. And no amount of Chloe is gonna solve that problem.


Kerri said...

I laughed until I cried. That's what you get for not coming to church this morning.
Love you

Leslie said...

Thanks for a laugh that I REALLY needed today! Found your blog from KUWTJ. Never eaten at the Changs. Don't want to now!

Ruby said...

I am laughing with tears in my eyes. I have got to meet you one day!

PF Changs is not my friend either. They put some oily crap in there that is destined to rip your intestines apart. At least mine.
Thx for the laugh!

Gramma 2 Many said...

Oh my gosh!! This has to be the funniest. I am sure it was not for you at the time, but I am rolling on the floor.

Amy said...

I had to read this post..too funny. Every since I had my galbladder out--I can hardly eat ANYTHING without being in the restroom for hours! Man, did I just say that on a public blog where other people could read it?! But hey, I bet YOU dont have your gallbladder either! DO ya?!

Rhonda said...

I should have known that there was another gooder in here! I sooo love your bathroom stories.

Does that mean there is something wrong with me? lol