May 16, 2008

Somethin' Bad's Goin Down At the Fun House.

The Fun House, the Play Place, the Jump Room, the Bouncey Thing. They're all the same. Annoying.

But I go because I love my child. And it's only 2 bucks. And her daddy is still out of town and I'm runnin' out of things to do, people!

But before we go any further let me remind you of my penchant for "bathroom runs" (no pun intended) at the worst of times. If you don't believe me please check out
this drama and this drama.

So I take Remi to the Bounce Around and immediately I am out of my element. I brought nothing to read while I sit lazily by hoping she doesn't hurt herself. And it's far too loud to talk on my cell. What'supwiththat? Do they not take these things into consideration? There should be a phone booth and a coffee table full of InStyle. Seriously people, do I have to think of everything?

At first we are not alone. The first 30 minutes we weave and bob in between Opie and his little sister. But then they had to leave, it was noon and apparently their mom feeds them lunch. But us? Nah. We keep playing.

I look around.
We're alone.
And suddnely, in what can only be described as a moment of insanity I decide...I'm going in.


The following story will now be divided into 3 parts.

Part One: Big Mistake to go in.

It seems so easy really.

You just hold back the little flap and inch your way in.

Anybody can do it. But not everybody should.

Take me for instance. I got in just fine. It was the getting out that was the problem. Thankfully Remi isn't 5 years old. At two it's "Fun! Mamma's coming in! She's going to play! This is the best day ever!" At five? I imagine it's, "Kill-me-now-my-mom-is-coming-in-and-dear-Lord-help-her-she-can't-get-out."

But I'm a good mom.
I'm not resentful that there are no magazines.
I'm not resenting the blatant disrespect for cell phones.
I'm not harboring ill will to your father who is laid up in a hotel room ordering room service. Naaaaaaah.
I'm a good mom.
See? I'm jumping. I'm jumping.
And................she's down.

Part Two: "Remi? Let's try the slide."

Now at this point the little thing you jump in is just not cutting it for me. So let's try something different. Something exciting. Something mommy can really embarrass you in.

We head over to what appears to be an obstacle course of sorts. Okay, this is different, this is cool, this looks fun. Right? Wrong.

Remi has no problem with it. She's good to go. She also weighed in at 27 pounds last we checked. Wanna know what I weighed in last we checked? How rude.

Now as I make the turn to do this obstacle course it becomes quite clear that there is no getting out - so finish it, I must. But who am I kidding? I can inch myself backwards and she'd be none the wiser. Except that now a little red headed boy with a really high pitched voice and an ax to grind has entered the room and is hot on my tail.

"Keep going," he yells at me.
"I'm trying," I yell back.
"Why aren't you going forward?"
"Because I'm claustrophobic and I'm about to hyperventilate. Do you even know what any of those words mean?" I scream.
His response? "Duh."
"Well then, back up!"
"I can't. Everyone knows you have to finish it once you get in here. You're almost done."

And at that moment I realize that in his own special demonic way he is encouraging me. And it feels nice. Because clearly, Remi could care less.

And then............it happens.

Part Three: Keep 'er Moving.

Today I can't blame it on fried foods.
I can't blame it on salty foods.
I can't blame it on eating chili for breakfast.
I can't blame it on the rain.
Because I had eaten nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

But in a split second I felt something come over me and knew that if I didn't evacuate that jump course right that very minute there was a good chance someone was going to die. And considering Chucky was behind me - it was looking like a bad day for him.

"Move back!" I screamed at him.
"Keep moving." He yelled back.
"I can't keep moving..."
"Keep moving."
"Do you want me to tell your mom?"
"I don't care."

"Oh really? Because I totally..."
"Ooohhhh gross...somebody..."
"Hush. Don't say another word."
"What is that?"

"It's your upper lip."

Yes, I actually said that to a six year old. Oh, I don't know if he was six. Maybe he was 27. All I know was he was standing between me and the door that said "Please flush only once" on the front of it. And by George, if I had to take him out, then call it collateral damage.

But in that instance I knew that it was do or die. It was: take that obstacle course or lay there in a pool of my own filth.

If Chucky could do it, I could too.

And do it, I did. I began throwing myself into positions that have never been seen before. I hurled myself into inflatable things that would pop back and hit me square in the face. I bounced. I fell. I cried. I screamed. I begged for God to give me the strength to endure. And with every inch that bathroom door looked closer and closer.

I finally mustered up enough strength to climb up the stairs and shoot myself down a slide.

It took every single cell in my body to hold it all in. I kid you not.
I. Thought. I. Was. Going. To. Die.

I took the slide so fast that I nearly landed directly on top of Remi. But I had to look at her as simply an obstacle in my way. I picked her up and threw her as hard and as far as I could. I dove for that little opening in the doorway and inched every piece of me out of it, all the while praying that God would grant me 15 more seconds on this earth.

I cleared - in one fail swoop - 2 pairs of Crocs and a hair bow. I looked around for Chucky's mom but never saw her. Figures.

I ran in to the little piece of heaven that was built just off the main room. I shut the door behind me, leaving Remi to fend for herself with Chucky. (I wasn't worried. She could take him.) And I thanked God for some privacy and that there was actually toilet tissue.

Epilogue: Don't build a bathroom right off of the main room. It's humiliating.

I spent a few minutes in there, I'm not gonna lie. The situation escalated and it required some time that I hadn't intended on giving. But when all was said and done - I felt like a new woman. I could face the world. I could find my child, put her Crocs on her and still still "fry it up in a pan."

But as I opened up the door into what I assumed to be a room with no one but Remi and Chucky. I find 14 little tiaras running from pillar to post. A birthday party.

And boy, have I just helped them get it started with a bang.

I grabbed Remi up - and slapped her shoes on her as fast as I could. I had to get out of there before one of those little 5 year olds said something nasty about me. I'm scared of today's youth. I'm not gonna lie.

But all I heard was Chucky, screaming, "Ooooohhhhhhh gross....somebody......"

105 comments:

Mrs. Romero said...

You are hysterical. I am laughing so hard because I SO know this story. Keep up the posts, you are a fantastic story teller!

Evi said...

...damn that would have made a great scrapbook layout! hahaha.

Heather said...

I am laughing SO hard right now. Seriously. I can't breathe. We've all been there.

Sissy said...

The more embarrassing thing would to have NOT made it to the bathroom. I mean, to be the "woman who took the obstacle course down for a half hour while they cleaned it" would have been way worse!

Anonymous said...

Uh... I'm Speechless!

Kimberly J

Carrie said...

Ha, don't have time to read you know ... I will be back. I just have to compose myself after reading your BigLots comment to Tif.

Gorgeous site, I'll Be Back (I typed that with a German accent, but it isn't coming through)

Debbie said...

Oh my goodness, Melissa, I am laughing so hard I am crying...that was so stinkin (no pun intended) FUNNY!!! BTW, I linked you AS soon as I saw your email.

Debbie said...

Oh Melissa, I am laughing so hard right now I am crying. That was so stinkin, no pun intended, well maybe, funny! BTW, we can absolutely exchange links. I already did it!

Lula! said...

Wait...I gotta stop hyperventilating for a minute. OK. I'm fine.

First of all...hey! Debbie told me I needed to check you out because apparently we have both blogged about Twitter recently. Great minds think alike and all, right? I'm now goingto follow you. Because Twitter is NOT stalking, right?

Secondly, I think we were separated at birth. Because I have ISSUES with my constitutions. Seriously. When people mention being sick & diarrhea in the same breath, I'm all, "What? Sick? I'm sick if I don't have the runs!" OK, too much info here, but I just had to let you know. My most recent bout of public humiliation occured last fall, during a high school football game. First quarter...the sensation strikes...I grab my 6 year old (as a "shield" of sorts) and run to the stadium bathrooms, i.e. the last place you want to lose your lunch. God was totally ordaining this entire experience, though, as a very loud fan was running and I felt at peace with my ever-running bowels. Ah...I feel better, or as better as one can feel in a public bathroom while "4th down and the Generals are gonna go for it" can be heard in the background.

Then...isn't there always a then? Then my daughter says very loudly, "Ugh...Mommy, you smell really bad! Do you feel better?" E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-I-N-G. And yes, Libbey...I do feel better. I might not smell better, but I feel better.

Now that I've totally shared really personal information with a total stranger (and the rest of the blogging buddies--hey, y'all!), I will make up for it by also sharing a brilliant find of sorts. Courtesy Flush. "Personal Toilet Deodorizer." I keep one in my purse, for times such as football games and Bounce Around. www.courtesyflush.com
I highly recommend.

And thus ends the longest comment I've ever left in my life. :)

Ruby said...

Ahhhh, I typed up a long comment and lost it!

Okay what I was saying was that I got sidetracked yesterday by reading the 2 links on PF changs and Marriott that I forgot to actually read this post! I came back this morning to finish dying of laughter! OMgosh my eyes are tearing all over again.
I love your stories because they're 'real' and so dang funny! I went to bed last night telling my husband about the Marriott story (the part about the AG saying "oh you got us a room? and you saying "babe, please. just turn in here, my stomach really hurts") and my husband just cracked up falling asleep.
Love your stuff. You are wonderful and keep us all entertained.
xxooxoxoxox

Scott said...

It's not as bad as getting stuck in the tire on the "Ropes Course" at Angelina College, believe me. Just picture John Candy from Stripes and you get the idea...

I'll have to tell you about that sometime.

Rhonda said...

OMG!!! I am reading this at work and trying so hard to hold in my laughter that I darn near hyperventilated! I have tears streaming down my face ....

I'll be back to read more!!! Keep the stories comin'!

Scott said...

Hilarious! That is just too funny! Sounds like something that would happen to me!! *LOL*

Amy said...

Popping in from SITS....I love it, that was TOO funny! I have been in your shoes, that's for sure!

Mrs. S said...

oh dear...I can't imagine.

Outnumbered2to1 said...

I came from SITS and this was too hilarious!

Sheri said...

Ohhh, being lactose intolerant (how DOES that stuff sneak into my food) I am WELL aware of the side effects. Fortunately, my friends know now that when I say bathroom NOW they know I mean NOW. Thanks for sharing your story . . .

Kristy said...

omg thanks for such a great laugh! i woke the baby up in the process of laughing and crying! still worth it!

The File Family said...

Popping in from SITS! Oh my - hilarious!

Amy said...

Here from SITS..I THINK I just peed a little! That was TOO funny! I gotta share your blog with my friends..who will also leave you nice comments! Love it!

Maggii said...

OMG Hysterical!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

WAY too funny.... I hate trying to explain outright guffaws at work.

Jill said...

I can totally see this as an episode of a sitcom.

here from SITS

Christine said...

HEHEHE, I have soo been there - too funny. Enjoy your SITS day! One time I actually contemplated leaving my son alone in the dept. store when he wouldn't cooperate with leaving...

Sunshine said...

You poor, poor, pooooor, but VERY funny woman. I'm sorry, but you are immediately being added to my blog roll. I don't feel so bad for Chucky BTW. ;D

And LOL at the comments above too. Had to laugh at hubby laughing in his sleep. I *think* I'm gonna be here a while. ;D

Happy SITS day! I love your daughter's name and she is ADORABLE!

Jessica said...

here from SITS... LOL OMG!!! that was funny. I hate when that urge hits at the most inaporpriate time. but with kids they shouldn't care. LOL I have two boys and my oldest is funny when it comes to farting.

Melissa said...

Okay, can I say this? I love you and where have you been all my life? It's my story, too. Multiply Remi x's 3 at Publix Supermarkets with a cart full of groceries. Have you ever tried to keep 4 children under 7 in a bathroom stall from touching anything foreign? Virtually impossible. Whoever invented that seat in the family stall where you can strap your small bitties in is my BFF. Unfortunately, there wasn't one at Publix! I always try to bring reinforcements to the grocer now, i.e. a babysitter....

P.S. Love your name...:)

Party of 5 said...

*giggle, giggle*

I can laugh cause I have been "there".

Dropped in from SITS. Congrats on your feature.

Rhea said...

I have a Remy, but he's a boy and it's short for Remington. I LOVE that name.

This post had be laughing so hard at my computer that both my kids and my husband came in asking me what I was laughing at. Apparently I don't laugh that hard or that often. lol

You're good. I'm sorry you had that moment, but you're good. I'm impressed how well you cleared that course. This post was awesome.

At Home Redesigns said...

Bummer...no pun intended....

Jenni said...

I have been reading your blog frequently lately because everything you write is funny. Even when it's eveyday stuff it makes me laugh.

Deb said...

oh my gosh have i been there. i heve never told those stories quite that eloquently though.

Me said...

As my nail laday once said to me, in her greatest compliment ever, "You funny lady!"

Keep up the good stories.

Sherri said...

This is so funny!! Why? Well you know we have all been there - some of us just don't talk about it!! It's just so funny to read this!!! Love your blog!!!

Kimberly said...

Popping in from SITS...
This is the funniest thing I've read all day, at least all day, maybe all week! You are a great story teller!

Kacey said...

Oh my goodness...I canNOT stop laughing! You are hilarious and such a good writer. Love your blog. (Especially your thoughts at the bottom about Why Stretch Marks?)

Robin said...

I have been there and done that. I think I have broken a few road rules trying to make it to the bathroom in time. And kudos to you for actually getting in the plaything with your daughter. I bet that was the last time though, huh? =)

-Bridget said...

I appreciate a woman with a self deprecating sense of humor that can tell a story well. This post fits the bill. I can already tell I'm going to be a new fan of yours.

MomMega said...

Oh my! You are hysterical! I have an issue with Barnes & Noble and REI...never fails! Going to read more!

my2boyz said...

First that was AWESOME!!! You my friend are a brave soul and I would NEVER have follwed my child into a crazy maze. You deserve an award! Second...Happy SITS day!!

Jennifer H said...

Hilarious! And I'm in awe of your control and of how you handled Chucky. You tell a great story.

Came over from SITS--so glad they featured you today!

Mama Dawg said...

I'm crying from laughing so hard right now. I have sooooo totally been in that place (metaphorically speaking, that is). I know how you feel/felt.

Came from SITS. Gonna check out the rest of ya!

Melanie said...

Hilarious. I have these kind of moments, I blame mine on not having a gallbladder.

Lisa@BlessedwithGrace said...

Hysterical. Thanks for sharing this moment of humiliation will all the SITS girls. You rock.

Merrie said...

Wow -- you can really tell a story. Here's hoping you don't have to suffer through that again any time soon! But thanks for making us all laugh. :)

Linds8 said...

That was too funny! I was laughing out loud in my office! I'm looking forward to reading more.

http://thelifeoflindseyd.blogspot.com/

Karen said...

That's just too funny. You are an extremely good story teller :-)

justjuli said...

Wow!! Laughing so hard at my desk right now. Because I've been. right. there. Been trapped in a fun house.
And had something bad going down (but not in the fun house - on a blind date..)
needless to say - it was our last date.

Also - love the explanation of Stretch Marks at the bottom of the page.

Paty said...

Everybody's been there! For me, I had just finished shopping at Sams Club and bought their gigantic bag of dried apricots. Before I knew it, I had eaten more than half of the bag in one sitting. I know...what was I thinking? I wasn't! Didn't think of it much. I had a date that night and it decided to hit me right in the middle of the movie. Nice...huh? I missed the rest of the movie and all my date had to say when I tried to explain was..."that's gross." Let's just say I ignored that insensitive jerk's calls from there on after.

Smoochiefrog said...

Visiting from SITS.

You are too funny! Love the explanation of you claustrophobic situation. Too much!

Summer said...

Hopped over from SITS. You're a good story teller.

Tsosie and Peterson Bunch said...

I think I peed my pants that was SOOO funny. Oh the stories of youth Remi will tell her Children.

Caution said...

Boy oh boy, have I been there, too. Love that little piece of Heaven reference. I also know how to get out of town fast afterward.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

SITS brought me here, but YOU will keep me coming back. You are a gem :) Thanks for the belly laughs!

Anna said...

:-) Found you via SITS, have added you to my google reader... love your stories!

Apparently we're in the same locale... I live in Goodlettsville.

Heather W said...

I am laughing so hard that my mascara is running down my face. THANKS A LOT!! The one dy I decide to put some make-up on and look what happens! Enjoyed it and keep it up.

Angela said...

Definitely you shouldn't have jumped...I never get on a trampoline before I scope out the nearest potty!

You paint a fine picture, my dear!

Mommy Meryl said...

omigosh - soooooooooo funny!! We all totally get it!! That is the beauty of being in the mommy club!

Kara said...

That is truly hilarious! I love the way you tell a story.

Hairline Fracture said...

Came here from SITS...and laughed myself silly. I will be back!

Trish said...

hey howdy hey. you are famous!!

and rightly so.

congrats!!

alicia said...

ha ha great story! I am here from Sits! Love your blog design!

Mamasphere said...

Totally frickin hilarious! Thanks for the warning about the inside of those jumpy things. I've been dying to go inside and see what all the fun was about, but not anymore!

I can't even imagine how hard it was to slide down that slide without "letting go".

Perez Family Spot said...

ROFL!!!! My hubby had his "accident" after he drank a "diet tea" and sat in traffic and had no where else to go!!! Let's just say that outfit went in the trash in a dozen bags and I still made him take it somewhere else...anywhere else except at home. He went to a nearby apartment complex and "dumped" the bag in their dumpsters. He never drank diet tea again.

Debbie said...

It is not often that I sit at the computer and literally laugh out loud. I smile, I roll my eyes, I may even chuckle. But laugh? This was a hysterical story, and I love the way you describe the poor victims! :)

mrsbear0309 said...

Visiting from SITS. You tell a mean story. lol. I can relate, I have unpredictable digestive issues as well. Love the site.

Swirl Girl said...

Hi Melissa-
they used to call me 'two exits - no waiting' in the digestive tract department.

I hate bounce houses/pinatas/(up)chuck e. cheese - pretty much anything created for children.

By the way - TAG , you're it too!
I meant nothing by the non-taggage...I figured you've been on vacation and would have other ,more fun things to talk about.

Love, Swirl Girl

Linney Shvede said...

Great story! We all "lose it" from time to time!

the brock clan said...

Hilarious! I go in them too...but only because my 2 year old gets scared EVERY time, yet insists on still going in EVERY time, so I sit and listen for the scream and that is my cue!

Marla said...

we had one of those obstacle courses at a sales meeting for "team building" I was 3 months prego and not telling anyone yet. It was on the beach and when it was my turn to race a fellow sales rep thru the course I nearly vomitted at the end - I will never get it in them now when I go to the "bouncy" places with my kids

Laurel said...

Oh honey (can I call you that?) - that was hilarious. You know - I think we've all been there - but I don't think many actually put it in writing. THanks for my laugh of the day (with you baby, with you!!).

Jen said...

Absolutely hilarious!

Rock and Roll Mama said...

So glad I'm not the only one with an aversion to bounce houses. And half the time, my kids come out of them looking like they're suffering from some kind of post-trauma stress...but sometimes. we've gotta do what we've gotta do! Which could be an alternate title to your post.:)

Caroline said...

Man, that's funny! And you told it brilliantly. I'm totally LOL!

~Sheila~ said...

I loved that. It made me crack up in front of my husband making him give me a funny look. He then asked me what was so funny and when I proceeded to tell him he automatically lost interest cause something shiny flashed across the room.

Men.

That was a great funny story.

EmBee said...

Sadly, I can relate... IBS SUCKS!

Talisman said...

You poor thing. Have you been back there since? LOL

Melissa Lester said...

Oh, bless your heart! I feel like time stands still when we are at an inflatable-fun center, but I guess I know now that it could definitely be worse.

Michelle said...

Congrats on being featured. And wow, I never thought about a bouncy place like that before. Have you thought about getting a bouncy house of your own so you can stay away from the Chuckies and princesses of the world? :)

Givinya De Elba said...

I just love a good euphemism!

"I spent a few minutes in there, I'm not gonna lie. The situation escalated and it required some time that I hadn't intended on giving. But when all was said and done - I felt like a new woman." That was awesomely put!

I attempted to follow 2-year-old Sonny Ma-Jiminy into the playtunnels and stuff at McDonalds while 8 months pregnant. He was too little to get into things and once he was in, he was too little to get himself out - it was awful. Lived to tell the tale and give birth a fortnight later. Never doing it again.

Kris said...

Here from SITS!! You are too funny - I'll be back for sure!

Adiel said...

Way to turn that life-or-death story into something entertaining. Well written!

Favorite part: "in his own special demonic way"

Lauren Horsley said...

Loooooove this! It's like you developed superhuman powers in your time of need! Amazing the things that motivate us, eh? It used to be simple things like sales at Abercrombie and Fitch. Now it's a gastrointestinal system that's taken so much abuse (blame the pregnancy) that it's decided to fight back. Sadly, I can relate.

AFRo said...

ROFLMAO. That's funny! Congrats on being the feature today!!! I know you're feeling the love.

WheresMyAngels said...

Too funny. I had to take out Little Chucky one day. My two year old and I were going down the slide in the fun house and we were going at 80 mph, chucky was coming up the slide as we go down, I screamed at him to get out of the way. He didn't. I had to elbow him so he didn't hurt my baby. He cried and I looked for DFS. His friends , god bless them, told me he "deserved it for not listening"

Gina said...

That is slightly worse than climbing through the toys at McDonalds for teh 2 year old who won't come out- when you are about 3 days from delivering his little brother.

Jennifer said...

I had one of these incidents yesterday. But, I'm not near as funny as you!

Congrats on your SITS feature!

Jennifer P. said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I've been there before (sounds like we all have)--but usually when driving the car, not stuck in an inflatible death trap! :)

And thank you, thank you for not being a scrapbooker. I thought I was the only one....and now I feel free to admit it! ;)

Cara Starr said...

Your Blog *BLESSED* me today. Blessed me with laughter. Awesome stories!

Nichole Jolene said...

tooting in from SITS~totally not what i was picturing you rushing to the potty for. i was thinking vomit. nice surprise ending. did i really type that? great story

Adrienne said...

OMG. hAHHAHA. Not that I am laughing at the unfortunate side of things for you, I am laughing at the fact that I HAVE BEEN THERE! Almost every morning. LMAO. And I hold it FOREVER, every morning. i don't know why these things dont happen until I have driving.....

Judy Haley said...

"I'm scared of todays youth. I'm not gonna lie."

Ha! I'm right there with you - especially when they're between me and the bathroom

Vicki said...

OH! Hilarious! Why is it we're in the least convenient places when all we need is some convenience...

I picturd the whole thing in my head...only I was the one doing the shimmy dance.

Kristinia - Loving Heart Mommy

said...

WOW this was a really funny post.. umm sorry it had to happen to you though.. but I definately know that feeling.. when you have to go.. you seriously have to go... and it can be difficult especially when you have younger children... cause you seriously just want to run to the nearest restroom with or without them! Your a strong woman!

I'm stopping by from SITS and I'm glad they featured you on Wednesday!

Missy said...

Very belated SITS check in - and I'm so glad I did! That story is ridiculously funny!

HaddockTeacher said...

OMG that is SO funny and I can SO relate! It sounds like you are having a "Crohn's" moment!

Blessed are gas stations with clean & "sound proof" restrooms.
Blessed are stores that "allow" you to utilize their "facilities."

Blessed are the people who make Angel Soft & Charmin!

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Anonymous said...

I leave a response whenever I like a post on a website or I
have something to contribute to the discussion. It is triggered by
the sincerness communicated in the post I read. And after this post "Somethin' Bad's Goin Down At the Fun House.".
I was excited enough to post a comment :) I do have a
few questions for you if you don't mind. Is it simply me or do a few of these responses look like they are coming from brain dead visitors? :-P And, if you are posting at additional online sites, I'd like to keep
up with you. Would you list every one of your shared pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?


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