Dec 19, 2008

One Week.

It's one week until Christmas. And my hair is red.

Yes, that's RED. Not red as in "oh look how beautiful that fall color of red is," but more like, "Oh, look, it's Debra Messing's drunken sister."

But it's red because it's one week until Christmas.

And if you know me, and you love me, you don't ask me why my hair is red, you just accept it and tell me how beautiful it is - when secretly you hope to sweet goodness I change it back in a month. Or two. But you know that now is not the right time to tell me it's not the right shade, or I completely missed getting the color on 2/3 of it in the back, or that it washes me out to the extent that I may appear invisible to passersby.

But nope. You keep all of these things to yourself because you know - it's one week until Christmas.

And I tend to do things; things that aren't necessarily "me" for the other 352 days of the year. But things that are me, right now. And, well, I must admit, things that are cheaper than therapy.

Because, I'll be honest, I miss my boy.

And I know that one week from today I'll go to see the only thing that is left of him. A concrete marker. Except for that deep space in my heart. That seems to be left.

But for today, my hair is red. Because it seems to be, at this time of the year, the only thing I can control. My hair.
I can't control my hurt.
And I can't always control my tears.
I can barely control my emotions on any given day.
And I don't have the energy to control my thoughts.

But my hair? I got that covered.

And so I color it, and pouf it, I dye it, and perm it. I tease it and braid it, only to stick a hat on it when I'm finished. But I - nonetheless - am the one to decide what color it will be on any given day. Which gives me much pride and even more comfort...

On those days when tears flow to freely and emotions take their toll. And I miss. I miss, terribly.

And although two beautiful children in my home can never, ever replace the one that isn't - they sure do make it much more bearable. And even beautiful.

Like this incredible shade of red.


Sissy said...

When I still lived in Florida, one of the things I always did over the holidays was go to my dad's grave and tell him about my year. I would leave pictures and talk to him. I think he heard me.

Have a blessed time with your boy. I think he'll hear you.

Rhonda said...

My hair, sadly, turned a brassy yellow when the stylist was apparently just doing the roots. So then I had to fix it. And now it's orange. Yup. Sucks to be me sometimes. lol

As for the rest of your post, hugs. Just hugs.

Candice said...

I once colored my hair black... you heard me... black. Now, you know how "fair" and pale I am with blonde hair. Just imagine black! And then, when I tried to get rid of it because of course it was accidental, I looked like a zebra... my hair was blonde, gray and black striped!

As for the rest, I pray that God would wrap his arms around both you and David and give you such an overwhelming sense of peace.

Ruby Red Slippers said...

A picture would show us HOW red!!
I have accidently gone red, and Barney purple...yes, purple-right before my husband's Christmas work party...I paid a fortune to have it fixed. AND I had to open the yellow pages to find ANYONE to fix it...
But seriously, my heart breaks for your pain-nothing can take the pain away. Only God can comfort you (as you well know).
God Bless and Merry Christmas with RED hair and all...

Sumer said...

It is cute and sassy and festive, and if anyone can pull it off you can. I am praying for you this week!

Outnumbered2to1 said...

I can't relate to your pain but I can relate to doing stuff to my hair when times are tough. Sending hugs!

bushfamily said...

Hugs and prayers....enough said.

The Willmons said...

I know I'm just an old school Christian Geek, but this is the first thing that came to mind:

"RED is the color of the blood that flowed
Down the face of Someone Who loved us so
He's the perfect man, He's the Lord's own son,
He's the Lamb of God, He's the only one
That can give us life, that can make us grow,
That can make the love between us flow."

You get extra points if you can name artist and song.

Robin said...

I don't know your pain, but I pray for your peace of mind. And if the worst thing you do is color your hair red, then so be it. What did Remi say?

Anonymous said...

I'm positively sure that "Red" looks awesome on you...God made you so special that any color you choose is perfect! Heather and I are praying for you during this time as you enjoy those 2 beautiful babies and mourn your precious son whose sitting on the lap of Jesus this very's an emotional roller coaster..but God is there every moment! We love you!
Marlene & Heather

Jenn said...

I say dye the kids hair green, the AG's hair silver and take your Christmas card picture!!! :)

Hugs to you!

katy said...

There's really nothing I can say to make you feel dye your hair any color you want, and cry as many tears as you need to.
I'm sorry for your pain, your loss...and thankful we have a GOD that helps us through times like these. Take care, sweets. <3

Ashley said...

Your red looks ravishing! I think I may try out your blonde!!??

(I once only colored the top layer of my hair by accident and got lots of comments on how hip I was with the darker color under)

Thinking of you during this season!

Wep said...

Aw, hang in there hon!

Pamela Johnson said...

I was thinking about him too the other day, thinking what friends he and Avery would be. I miss my sister too!

Hey, at least your hair looked great today after Rhonda. What did David say?

Karen said...

Well.... I just so happen to like red... alot ;)

Melissa said...

Oh sister. I'm praying Psalm 3:3 over you. I had no idea this all happened on Christmas.

Anonymous said...

I’m a lurker. I have been for months now (almost a year). I think about commenting. . I’ve started to write an e-mail. . but as the tears come the words leave. The tears are here again today but I don’t know what else to do. My husband is so sweet and tries to encourage me but as the years have gone by and the tears continue to flow I can see the sympathy in his eyes changing to frustration and pain. I’m tired of causing him pain; I’m tired of feeling the pain. We pray each day for a child – why aren’t our prayers answered? Neither of us have ever wanted anything more. But as we pray for a child we also pray that the Lord’s will be done and that he will give us peace to follow that will no matter what it is. We feel no peace. We know we may never have a child – how do I pull myself together enough to be the wife that my husband needs? He is already grieving our lack of child and I feel like he is beginning to grieve over my sadness. How do I have a testimony to bring others to the Lord – I clam up whenever I’m asked when we will have children. When I have told people they are nice and tell me they will pray but then later get all excited that we are “trying”. They don’t even remember my tears, my pain. Why can’t I have peace to share with others, instead of tears and fears? Instead of bitterness that those I tearfully tell don’t even remember. Better yet why can’t I have a miracle. Why can’t I have one of those precious little ones that are unwanted by their biological parents? I thought this Christmas might be different – that I might be the difference to a little one who was the result of a one night stand and who has been passed around for almost a year by people who see her as a problem. But at the last minute it her “mother” decided to “keep her” (if you can say that since she hasn’t had her at all prior to this). I don’t know how to hope without feeling the let down each month; each time I realize we can’t do a traditional adoption. But I don’t know that I can survive without hope. I feel lost and without control – I totally understand the desire to dye your hair, to control something/anything. Thanks for sharing your story.

Trish said...

Red is good.
So is God.

Peace, Grace and Rest to you and Anonymous above.

I don't know your pain, but I know your God and he loves you and wants to see you through your pain.

Lula! said...

I will think of all 5 of you on Christmas Day.

I already think of y'all everytime I hear "Untitled Hymn." And you know why.