May 26, 2008

It is, after all, Memorial Day.

I rarely post twice in one day. I'm too lazy. And too boring, to be perfectly honest.

But I'm having a moment.

And so I will now act as if this blog is my journal. Here's what I write...

My house is so quiet. After a very full day of chocolate chip pancakes and 15 trips around the zoo we are finally back home and my two dearest loves are asleep. I, however, couldn't sleep.

My house is dark. It is Memorial Day. It should be sunny and hot. We should be splashing in a plastic pool and grilling the steaks we've been marinating. But it's raining outside. Lightening. Thundering. The satellite on my TV won't work in the storm - so there is no light from the TV screen. All is dark.

And I, well, I miss my boy.

I miss him so terribly that I wish (at this moment) that I could rewind time and say "No" to God. I know me, though, and in a few hours or a few days I will regret having even thought that. But He is a big God. A huge God. And He can take it. So I will be honest. I wish I had said "No."

I wish that when I was a child I had never told Him, "...everything...I give you everything."

I wish I didn't know all the verses to "I Surrender All."

I wish I had never heard that stupid song. Sung that stupid song.

I wish that it had been someone else He had chosen.

Another lady. With more confidence. More gusto. More fearlessness. (I even came up with a few names that I freely offered up to Him.)

I wish the only problems I had were having to buy new clothes because what's in my closet "swallows me" or deciding where to go eat after a nice night out.

Instead, I sit in a quiet place. A dark place. And I feel now, more than I have in a really long time, an overwhelming sense of loss. And I know that the flowers on his little grave are getting tossed around by this storm. As am I.

So I keep saying to myself, "This storm doesn't touch him. This storm doesn't touch him now." But it does me. In so many ways.

And I feel today like I felt the first time it snowed on his grave. And I cried all day for fear that he was cold. When clearly, he was perfect.

I don't understand why there have to be days like this, where the tears fall so fast that I can't even keep up with them. Where I worry that the terrible storm will affect him; when inside my heart I know it won't. Or when I feel like a part of my insides are missing. Today I feel every one of these things.

And my arms ache a little. That has never gone away. And though I wish him here...I said "yes." And I'm a woman of my word. So "yes" is what I meant.

Yes, I'll do this.

Yes, I'll walk this.

Yes, I'll trust you.

Yes, I'll learn you.

Yes, I love you.

Yes, here he is.

Yes. And Amen.

- Melissa


Kelley said...

There is absolutely, positively NOTHING in me that can relate to what you're feeling...truly. I can try to imagine it....but I can't....not really. I can say all of those things that I know you must have heard a million times before. But I won't. I will simply pray...for you...right this second. I know that my God (and yours) will give you just what you need just when you need it. He's good like that.

Heather said...

BIG, huge hugs. I have no words.

Anonymous said...

Melissa~ I notice that many of your posts have 13 comments. Today, this one has only 2. People don't know what to say to your unimaginable pain. We don't know exactly what you need and at excatly what time. Like Kelley- we have no words...when you write with brillinace and comedy, we laugh. And, when you write with pain and brokenness...we cry. That's what we do, we laugh with you when you laugh and we mourn with you as you mourn.

May the Spirit give you what you need as we pray with groans we can not understand.

Ashley said...

I wish I had words. I don't because I don't understand.
But, I thank you for sharing and I thank you that your life and his are a testimony to faith through dark days.

Debbie said...

Anything I would attempt to say would be trite and cause me to trip over my words while typing. So I am just going to say, that He does nothing without a Purpose. And someday, you will dance together in heaven. I don't know your pain, but I feel it through your words. As a sister in Christ, I am praying for you.

Teresa said...

Thank you for bearing you soul and sharing your pain. I'll be standing in the gap for you tonight my friend.

Jo Ann C. said...

I'm praying for you sweetie. I remember the happy anticipation and the days we prayed for that precious baby boy. God does have other plans that we will never ever understand until we get there with HIM. In the meantime I will continue to pray for you when you are sad....Pawpaw is rocking that little angel and keeping him warm. You have so many people that love you girl!

Anonymous said...

It rained in St. Louis all weekend as well....and it was bringing me down. Then I read this post and made me put things into perspective. I agree with the other posts that I cannot relate to what you are feeling. But I am truly sorry for your pain and thankful that you do share your feelings. God bless!!!

stephanie davis said...

Melissa, there are no words just as these women have said, no words, just silence, after reading this, it makes my heart heavy, and I am praying, thanks so much for being real! so many times many of us are thinking the same things that you write but none of us are real enough to admit it, so thank you and even in this time of mourning God is using you to minister to us, I love you and am saying a prayer as i type this.

Trish said...

I am weeping.

I don't know your pain, but I know your God and I know that He understands your pain, remember he gave away his son also!

I wish I were there to sit in the dark with you.

Praying for you and your beautiful spirit!

Sissy said...

What a sweet and truthful post. I am thinking of you, my friend.

Big Nanny said...

Thanks for letting us in on the fun times and the not so fun times.

CEU said...

Melissa, I love you. It was three years before I heard my mom laugh - really laugh after my brother died. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am praying for you today. I get tickled when you are funny, cute, and clever, but I come back because you're real.

Isaiah 61:1-3
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty insted of ashes, the oil of gladne instead of mourning, and a garmet of praie instead of a spirit of depair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Lula! said...

The first thing that came to mind (thank You, Holy Spirit) when reading this was Ginny Owens' "If You Want Me To." How many times have I sung that song & not really meant it? God, help me.

Today you might not believe this, but you are so strong & courageous. Tomorrow might be easier, or it might be worse. I dunno. But your obedience & openness inspires and convicts me. So thank you...God has used you in my life today.

And I'm praying...

Ruby said...

I didn't know.
God bless you my friend as I can't imagine what you've been thru. I really have no words except sadness right now.

Swirl Girl said...

as hard as this was for you to write - you must know that you are helping someone else.

I am sorry.