Jan 11, 2010

Jefferey Osborn Wants Nothing To Do With What Happened Here Tonight.

So here I am posting my Bachelor:On The Wings of Love recap on Monday night instead of Tuesday for fear that I would forget something. And if you watched tonight's episode then you know Steven Tyler said it best when he said, "I don't wanna miss a thing."

Not since my mom and I hit the town to find me a dress for my 8th grade prom have I seen so much drama ensue.

Not since my best friends found me trying to smoke a cigarette at the VFW carnival in the 7th grade have I witnessed so much drama. (In a nutshell: I don't smoke, too big of a chicken, they told my mom, I was beaten severely.)

Not since...okay, you get the point.

Since it would be really hard to go over absolutely everything allow me to pinpoint the details for you. Let's begin.

#1. Jake takes several women on a group date to a photo shoot for InStyle magazine. Finally, Rozalyn will get the fame she has been so desperately seeking. How does she do this you ask? By lifting her skirt, making out with our Bachelor and having an "inappropriate" relationship with one of the shows staff members. She is nothing if not driven.

#2. Jake goes on a group date with several women. One of them pulls out a "letter" she has written to him (apparently letter writing is something she does, it makes her feel naked. Her words. Not mine.) In her letter she tells him that she will not kiss him until he chooses her in the finale. Moments later she leans in with quivering lips and tells him to "make out with her forehead."

Many of you are wondering why, at that exact moment, I did not change the channel to something remotely deep. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because.

Apparently she has values. Big values. We see her big values in almost every tank top she wears. So kudos to her!

#3. Ali and Jake go on a one-on-one date. The editors decide to play On The Wings of Love by Jefferey Osborn (circa 1982) as they fly through the clouds. Meridith and I look at each other and then back to the television. What we are witnessing is beyond cheezy and yet, we cannot look away.

Later Jake takes Ali to a concert in the park, for just the two of them. The band is Chicago. It was like watching The Bachelor: Winging Through The 80's. Up next week? Jefferson Starship and Sheena Easton.

#4. Michelle, the nut, decides to leave. And then to stay. And then to leave if she's not spoken to. And then to stay. And then to leave if she's not given a rose. And then to...oh wait, she's supposed to leave if she's not given a rose. (Please Jake, don't give her a rose. Please. Jake, don't. Don't give her a rose. Ohhhh noooo...he gave her a rose. Boo! for Jake. But yeah! for me and Meridith who will get to watch more drama next week.)

#5. Rozalyn is pulled aside by Chris Harrison (the smoothest host in all the county, let me tell ya) and asked to leave for her inappropriate relationship with staffer. She fains disinterest and repulsion. She admits to nothing. And seems unfazed by it all. She is beautiful and pitiful all rolled in to one. It was like watching that cheerleader that was always nasty to you in High School finally get what was coming to her - but feeling so incredibly sorry for her that it took all the fun away. Some people never truly get it. And that is the saddest part.

#6. Jake tells the girls that he is glad that they are all still there because he feels his soul mate is in that room. Several girls smile. A couple of them cry. And Michelle picks up an ice pick and begins to sharpen it.

Stay tuned........its gonna only get better.

32 comments:

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Melissa said...

Who is this wackjob above me? Michelle, is that you????
Yeah, she is a psycho. If they could have named this epi it would have been "Basic Instinct: Every Roze is a Thorn". We had the censored cha cha shot. We had the 80's music. And we had a scary vision into what will happen to Jake if he "picks" Michelle. The end.
Not quite. I love this show. The end again.

Lynda said...

I love your Bachelor updates!

Kacey said...

LOL! LOL! I hope the Bachelor never stops just so I can read your recaps every season. They are my Tuesday highlight!
I'm not sure how they can top last night's episode!

Wade's World said...

This was such a brilliant recap of last night that I just might not watch the show this season and just read about it in your words. Too funny!

A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

I never, ever have to watch Bachelor. You know this is a public service, don't you.

Thank you.

Melissa Lee said...

Ahhhh...so my recaps are a public service? I'm flattered, really. Shouldn't I be getting paid for this now?

And the Anonymous post who wants you to know really badly (apparently) that you can buy Clomid...what'supwiththat? Have any of you others here on Blogger been getting these messages left at your doorstep? I hate them. How do we get rid of them? Let's ban together. POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!

Mel

Ashley said...

We had a newborn care class last night so I missed it. Thanks for the recap!!

Deb said...

I guess it's like a train wreck..you just can't help but watch...I refuse to get sucked in....

Natalie said...

Oh, this is amazing! I haven't even watched it, and I don't feel like I need to... your recaps are by far much better. Thanks for sacrificing your time (and sanity!).

bunchofbull-ers! said...

I did not catch the whole episode, but enough that at the end I thought...I CAN NOT WAIT TO READ STRETCH MARKS TOMORROW!!!
You complete my Bachelor episodes. HA, thank you!!

Kat said...

Haha- even though I don't watch the Bachelor... (I heard the audible gasp from all your readers...) your recaps are-

hil.ar.i.ous!

What I'm really waiting for, is your AI recaps. 'Cuz you're gonna watch that, right? It starts tonight, people! I can't wait to see the train wreck of Kara's hair and wannabe singing corrections.... Not to mention Ellen!

(Okay, I'm starting to sound giddy...better calm down now)

Sissy said...

When Roz said that she didn't believe her personal life was their business, I started laughing at her. The whole show is ABOUT their personal lives. I mean, it's about dating and there she was throwing herself at Jake and then evidently at some staffer. I wonder how they found out, did they catch them on camera, somehow? Hmmm.

Glad she is gone!

Charloe said...

Yep, last night when I was watching the cheesiness that is The Bachelor, I couldn't help but wonder what your recap would be like! You hit every nail on the head with this one.

This is my first time watching The Bachelor and I'm LOVING it! Just really entertaining and funny. I'm really glad I watch it alone because I would be embarrassed to watch it with someone else.

Joyce said...

Technically I lurk here but I think I've commented once or twice so maybe I'm not quite a lurker...anyway loved your recap. I haven't watched since Trista but we're sucked in now. I have kids in college who watch it so I like to think watching makes me a better parent.

In spite of all the drama I think my favorite line was Vienna (think that's her name) saying, "I've been searching my whole life for this." She is 23.

The music is way way too much. But I do like Ali.
There must be a bonus for keeping Michelle but my advice to Jake is lock up your pet rabbit.

Stay tuned? How can you not?

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