You Give Love A Bad Name.

Today's Stretch Marks post is a special collectors edition of an interview conducted with Meridith.

Sweet Meridith. Sweet, innocent Meridith. Sweet, innocent, single Meridith. Meridith: The worst bachelorette in the history of the world. And now you will know why...

~~~~~~~~~

Me: So Meridith, tell me where you were on Sunday morning.

Mer: I'm not funny at this. And then you're gonna write this...no, that's not funny...you're gonna make up stuff...no, stop.

Me: Meridith, just tell me where you were on Sunday.

Mer: I was at church.

Me: Meridith, what church was that? Was it "Bedside Assembly?" The church you've been going to the past several weeks? The church with Bro. Sheets and Sister Pillow?

Mer: No, this was actually church church.

Me: Okay, Mer. What happened on Sunday at church that made you call me in a panic from the church parking lot?

Mer: Well, I was actually going to text you while everyone was giving offering but I thought that might be inappropriate so I waited to call you.

Me: And what did you call me about?

Mer: I wanted to tell you who was in church...who was only two rows in front of me.

Me: And who was that?

Mer: Danny Gokey.

* For those of you having trouble following us, Meridith is sitting in church with Danny Gokey. He is single. She is single. He sings. She voted for him.

Me: Meridith, did you enjoy your conversation with Danny?

Mer: I enjoyed the view.

Me: That is not what I asked.

Mer: I didn't talk to him. I was respecting his anonymity.

Me: Let me ask you this...did he get up and speak at church?

Mer: Yes.

Me: About his stint on American Idol?

Mer: Yes.

Me: That's not anonymity.

Mer: Melissa, he just started a foundation in the name of his deceased wife. I have a feeling he's not over it.

Me: What exactly is your point?

Mer: I don't' know how to answer that question. That was my answer. I can't be the silly girl that runs up to him and acts interested. Wait, don't type that...stop it. STOP!!!

Me: Meridith, how do you expect me to marry you off if you won't play by my rules?

Mer: I never asked you to marry me off. You're not my father.

Me: Don't get too serious, too heavy.

Mer: I told you I'm lame on paper.

Me: Meridith, you're not lame on paper. You're Andy Richter to my Conan O'Brian.

Mer: Okay, anyway...I didn't talk to him because I didn't want to be some pathetic groupie girl. I didn't want to come across as needy. Desperate. One-without-a-life.

Me: But I had the perfect opening line.

Mer: I was not going to say that!!!

Me: All you had to do was walk up and say, "Adam - I loved you on American Idol. I voted for you the night you wore the snakeskin pants."

Mer: (Laughs) I would have ended up saying something lame like, "I was so touched by your ministry."

Me: But see? We could work that to our advantage if you would have just said, "I so badly want to be touched by your ministry."

THE END.