Apr 17, 2009

Fat Gap.

Meridith: When was the last time you came to the mall?

Me: I have children. I don't come to the mall.

Meridith: I didn't think so, cuz you didn't know what Williams Sonoma was and you asked if they had a Chess king.

Me: Chess King rocked. They outfitted all of the guys in my 8th grade class for our 8th grade prom: "Fireworks and Friendships."

Meridith: Do you like that store?

Me: Yankee Candle? Uhhhh, yeah. Hello? They can make my entire house smell like cookie dough.

Meridith: Yum. You wanna go in there?

Me: No. Their candles cost like, $800.

Meridith: Do you wanna go in there?

Me: Thomas Kinkade Gallery? What am I? 80?

Meridith: Thank the Lord. What about there? You wanna go there?

Me: The Cookie Company? Yes, yes, I do.

Meridith: Good. Me too.

.......10 minutes later.......

Meridith: There's the Build-a-Bear store. I bought Remi that gift card for Christmas and still haven't taken her yet. I need to do that. You and I should plan a date to take her and do that.

Me: I'm not going.

Meridith: Why???

Me: Because not going to Build-a-Bear is my gift...

Meridith: To whom?

Me: To me.

Meridith: Wanna go in there?

Me: Buckle?

Meridith: Yeah.

Me: Uhhhh....no. Girls my age need thicker material. Thank you.

Meridith: Ohhhh....look. The Gap. I love The Gap.

Me: (nothing)

Meridith: What? You don't like The Gap?

Me: (silence)

Meridith: What don't you like about The Gap?

Me: (wait for it)

Meridith: Man, that's a big Gap. I would love to go in there, but...

Me: (stay silent long enough and it will come...)

Meridith: I mean, I've tried on their clothes, but...

Me: (and here it comes.)

Meridith: I'm too fat for their stupid clothes.

Me: Really? (My college counseling class would deem this the "let them talk it out" phase.)

Meridith: Yes. See that dress in the window? Do you think I should try and put that on my body?

Me: (my mother did not raise a fool, I keep my mouth shut.)

Meridith: They're sized too small.

Me: Oh yeah?

Meridith: Yep. And they're too expensive.

Me: Oh.

Meridith: But I do like them.

Me: I know.

Meridith: You know what I think?

Me: What's that?

Meridith: There should be a store called...

Me and Meridith at the exact same time: The FAT GAP!

.......Hysterical laughter......

Meridith: You were thinking it too?

Me: I was.

Me: Their clothes also shrink really bad when washed.

Meridith: Yes, yes they do! Thank you. That makes me feel better.

Me: And I'm pretty sure they give their money to save the planet causes.

Meridith: Ooohhhh, I hate that! Thank goodness I'm not giving them my money.

Me: Yep. Beautifully hip clothes, a huge spacious store, a company that tries to prolong the existance of all nature and living things. They suck.

Meridith: Yes they do suck.........want another cookie?

Me: Yep.

Meridith: Me too.


Faith(ful) Reader said...

A great post, as usual & I so identify! Thanks for my morning chuckle, dearie...

Givinya De Elba said...

I think that was an awesome thing to do when you felt in over your head - hit the mall with Meridith. Sometimes you need a strategy like that to help you along. I do too. I like to buy myself comedy DVDs on huge sales.

Carrie said...

ha ha ha That's hilarious. :) I went shopping with my 2 skinny SIL's when we were on family vacation, and they were in like Gap, Old Navy, PacSun...I'm like, okay, can we go to K-Mart now??? :)

Jennifer Henry said...

Hahaha! Loved your post today! :) Chocolate chip cookies are my weakness!

Shelley said...

Make mine oatmeal raisin with pecans thrown in for good measure.

50s Housewife said...

I'm came over from Bienvenue and I'm glad I did! You are a hoot! You and Meredith sound like me and my BFF. :)

Lynda said...

The Fat Gap - I love it! Where can I find one??

Painter's Place said...

OMG! This was so funny. I about spit my water out when I got to the part about Chess King. I had forgot all about that store. You funny!!

Tracie said...

HAHAHAHAHA...I think I have snot coming outta my nose from laughing so hard. Love this post!!!!!

Aja Jenise said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! My side hurts this is SOOOO FREAKIN FUNNY!! My hubby is sitting here while I read this... he didn't understand my need to gasp for air... I LOVE YOU!!!!

I needed this... it was a long day!!

Marci said...

oh this was a good one...i hate the $%!@ mall. i swear to you that every store was made for those smaller than me.;) it just depresses me. luckily i have a skinny little 17 yr old who still makes shopping somewhat fun.

Scooterblu's Whimsy~Rhonda said...

Hi Melissa, I came to your blog via Susie's post highlighting it. I have spent the last hour reading through it and have loved every minute of it! You are a very insightful writer and humorous to boot! So nice to meet you...or well, your blog anyway! :) ~Rhonda

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I would totally shop at Fat Cheap Gap.

In fact, I do... they call it Old Navy.

Sissy said...

Love it. Totally agree. Can't shop there either.

Rhea said...

The Fat Gap. lol Old Navy is the Cheap Gap and they carry plus-sized clothing.

~ Lisa @ AbidingThere~ said...

You are so funny!! Thank you for this good laugh!!! :)

Anna See said...

Oh my goodness! This is so funny! I never go to the mall, so the Chess King line really cracked me up!

Deanna said...

I want to go shopping with ya'll!

Rachel said...

How histerical. I can almost hear your conversation going on in my head, how funny! Next time you go to the mall get me a cookie, please!