Jul 29, 2008

The Foxhole. Part 2.

You have to know that when I posted on Friday I did it under some intense emotions. I wanted to tell you all every single word the doctor had spoken to me and how they had made me wait forever on that cold metal table with everything taken off "from the waist down" and wrapped only in a sterile white sheet. I wanted to...

But I couldn't.

I was so tired. And so spent. And so stinkin' mad.

My appt. was at 8:15 that morning and as is typical form for me I arrived 15 minutes late. Which they didn't seem bothered by. Thank goodness.

They took me back to the ultrasound room and explained that today's ultrasound would be to see just how far along I was and to see the heartbeat. The AG and I were immediately terrified and thrilled all at once. But first they had to ask me some questions.

Question #1: First date of last menstrual cycle? "Uhhh...okay, let me see, it would have been a couple days before we went to the beach with the Freeman's because Ronnie said something that totally made me so mad and I wanted to claw his eyes out but David just whispered in my ear, 'I think you need to take a Midol.' So yes, I think it was June 1."

Question #2: How many times have you been pregnant before? "Three."

Question #3: Does that include this time? "No. If you include this time that would be four."

Question #4: And how many babies do you have? "Uhhh...none."

Question #5: Okay, let's see you've had four pregnancies and no babies? "Yes, if you include this pregnancy I have had four total pregnancies. And if you are asking how many babies I left the hospital with and took home and stuck a sign in my front yard announcing? None."

Question #6: But what about her? (They look at Remi) "She's adopted."

Interject here the slight tilt of head, half frownie face and "sorry, hon" that accompanies most responses to the above mentioned questions. I hate half frownie faces. And I really hate the word "hon."

Which leads me to the part where we - UNFORTUNATELY - had the Remster with us in the office because we couldn't find anyone to keep her that morning and we felt like we had everything pretty much under control:
1. DVD player w/The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh loaded and ready to go? Check.
2. Apple Dippers? Check.
3. Sippy Cup? Check.
4. Princess Daisy Barbie? Check.

What could possibly happen in that room that would distract her from the veritable onslaught of spoiledness that we had prepared for her. HA! If we only knew.

52 minutes later the doctor walks in the room. 52 MINUTES LATER. Didn't anyone tell him we were stuck in there with a 2 year old? But you can't blame him, really. He's precious. And so you just have to let his lateness slide. He was probably helping an old woman cross the street or rescuing a kitten. I mean seriously, he's just that kind of guy.

When he walks in the room the first thing he says is, "Good morning Melissa, I'm sorry to keep you waiting but I am hoping you can show me some twins this morning. I am needing another set of twins to add to my list." And at that moment I really wanted to help him out. I really wanted to look at the screen and see two. I thought that would be just the piece of wonderful we needed.

And then, silence.

I hate that part. The part where they are doing the ultrasound and he's looking but not saying a word and the nurse is looking and not saying a word. And neither of them will look directly at you. And all you can hear in the room is silence except for Pooh saying, "I'm just a little black rain cloud, of course." A little black rain cloud.

"Okay, Melissa, what we see here is the sac. And what we see hear is the embryo."

My heart is beating fast. The AG is holding my hand so hard it is starting to hurt.

"Now what we see here is your pulse and so it seems to be distorting the picture just a little..."

Yeah, yeah, keep going.

"But what we don't see is a heartbeat."

Huh?

"If there were a heartbeat we would see it beating largely right here. It would be huge and very evident and I see no sign of it."

And then it was over for me.

I know he said a lot more. A LOT MORE. I know his knowledgeable medical talk was salt and peppered with "I'm sorry." I do remember that. I remember the nurse walked out eventually. And I remember telling myself not to cry. But I remember laughing at myself for even suggesting I was that strong.

And then I remembered that as crappy as this was - I had been through worse. I had to pick out a coffin for pete's sake. I can do just about anything.

But I'm all talk. And so I cried.

And then he told us to go home. Take two weeks and come back and we'd look one more time and that maybe things would change. I asked him if he was being kind. He smiled at me. I knew that meant he was. He said that hopefully in two weeks, "nature would take its course." I knew what that meant - go home and wait.

Wait to lose what you'd waited for.
Wait to lose what you'd hoped for.
Wait to lose what you'd named.

We're supposed to go back in two weeks to see if things have changed. But there's no heartbeat - so I know he's just being kind.

Little black rain cloud, indeed.

And then, just before he went to leave I asked the question all of us who have walked that road have wanted to ask but dared not.

"Will you look just one more time?"

Huh?

"Will you check just one more time? Just in case you missed something. Just in case you were wrong."

Of course I will, Melissa, I would be happy to. Just let me get my nurse in here.

She walks in and sees what we're doing and I tell her, "Don't make fun of me when I leave."

Huh?

"Don't make fun of me for having you all do this again. Don't laugh at me for wanting to see something different. Okay? Promise you won't laugh at me."

Melissa...

And as I lay back on that cold, metal table tears are streaming down my face. I can't hide them. I tried and failed. Big deal. And as I suddenly realize how weak I am I decide to screw it. And I bawl. And suddenly, with Pooh still giggling in the background Remi crawls up beside me...

"Nooooo...don't cry mama. Don't cry mama. I'm fine mama. You're fine mama."

I know Remi.

"Don't cry mama. Okay?"

Okay, Remi.

And she lays her head on my cold, wet shoulder. And from her player in the corner I hear...

"So promise me Pooh that you will always remember, you're braver than you believe,and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
"I promise, Christopher Robin. I promise."

74 comments:

Lane Boyz Mom said...

(((BIG HUGS)))

Karol said...

You are such a strong woman for letting us know what you've gone through. I wish I could say something to make it all better.
God bless you, AG, and little princess Remi.

Adelaine said...

Oh my honey :(

Prayers for you....

ugagirl30 said...

Even in your sadness and tears, Remi's hugs and sweetness had to be some comfort. I wish there was some way to explain this, but there is only one person who can--and I can't touch what He would say.

And on a lighter note, he's a Freeman. I know that that statement explains so much more to me than to you. Just know that there are more like him and more that are worse than him. You just have to love him, Freeman and all.

Z's Mom said...

Oh Melissa....I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

Your Remi is precious!

Hugs and prayers to you all!!!

Jill said...

Holy Hell.... I'm crying over here for you. I'm so sorry that this had to happen and I'm sending you the warmest thoughts and the best hugs.

Perksofbeingme said...

Oh sweet sweet melissa. I'm sitting here bawling with you and I wish I knew the right words to say. Pooh says things far better than I ever could. Just know that I love you and I'm always here. Remi is precious and I know she'll bring you a great source of comfort.

Me said...

Still praying.

twintoo10292 said...

Wow, you are quite the writer, thru the pain you still have humor. That is so rare. You have a wonderful and understanding husband. He sounds like one in a million and your little girl is too precious for words. They are the sunshine that will break through the dark clouds and help you find the peace and happiness you so deserve. Twin

NoahandMaddysMom said...

Okay, we're 3 for 3 here!! At least I had the tissues ready...but if you keep this up, your buying 'em!!

God has a plan, something bigger than you, the sweet doctor and a Pooh dvd...and it is going to be amazing when it is revealed.

Keep sharing girl, someone out there needs to hear this, and maybe they are reading this right now.

Midwest Mommy said...

I am so sorry.
I cried with you this morning...

Caroline said...

You said the exact words my sister has said about her miscarriage two months ago. Losing your hopes, dreams and the baby you named. This baby was significant. This baby was loved, and this baby was prayed for. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Jaci said...

I would have asked him to check again, too, and any nurse who made fun of you isn't even human. I'm so sorry for you and your family Thank goodness for your little girl, huh? What a sweetie with her Winnie the Pooh and Barbie dolls, and big hugs for Mommy and Daddy.

Amy said...

I woke up dying to see what you wrote. How are you feeling? Stranger things have happened right? It is possible. With God ALL things are possible. Im sorry-I cant help that I am an optimist. I have been thru this twice myself and always hoped-I would be now..

Lynda said...

Melissa, thank you for sharing.

Remi is a doll. I am an adoptive mom, and we adopted our girl when she was 14. We feel like we have had her since she was a baby - sounds weird, I know, but it does. Love doesn't know any better.

You are an amazing woman, amazing wife, mom, and writer. God is good - all the time. Keep moving TOWARD love.

Prayers for you all.

Lula! said...

You are so brave. And you're my hero. And that's just all I can say.

Hairline Fracture said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through such a devastating loss. I'll be praying for your family.

Mindy said...

If you are crazy or if they laughed at you - they laughed at me too. I did the same thing. I made them check again. I even went to another doc to have them check - Just. To. Be. Sure. Each time they look and see nothing it is hard but I am so so glad you asked - for you!

I am crying with you this morning.

Kelley said...

I'm so very sorry.

Robin said...

Sending you prayers, warm thoughts, and hugs today.

Trace said...

Oooh, my heart hurts and I'm crying here (plus I'm at work). Saying prayers, and good vibes for you.

Deanna said...

Keep writing, keep sharing, keep healing. Many prayers are coming your way!

Apryll said...

oh my stars, I can't stop crying for you. I wish I could offer you some sort of comfort. I am praying for the peace beyond understanding that only our Lord can provide.

Vicki said...

Oh my heart is absolutely breaking for you. How sureal and ironic the Pooh commentary must have felt.

Deb said...

Oh Melissa, I have been crying fo ryou for a couple days now. I dont know the "right" words. I'm so sorry. All my love and hugs and prayers are with you and the AG and Remi. Every ounce I have.

Lauren W said...

You've been in my thoughts all weekend, and you will continue to be in my prayers.

Breanne Vasquez said...

Oh - I am so sorry. We are praying for yall. Remi is so sweet!

Karen said...

I would so ask them to check again. In fact I did.

I'm so sorry. You have been in my thoughts and prayers.

*BIG HUGS*

Christine said...

Huge and all encompassing hugs.

Amy said...

Oh wow! That was deep. I hope you find the healing you need in writing out all of your feelings.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Oh Melissa... what a beautiful post... I'm so sorry you had to write it. I want this to not be real for you. I want to hug you....

Melisa@andbabywillmake4 said...

I have no words as I sit here and want to cry for you and hug you.

mallory your sister said...

i didnt read it but it rocked

Mark Lunsford said...

Melissa, I really appreciate you sharing your journey. It has allowed me to see the faith and the trust that you have put in God through all of this, and it has allowed me to pray for you during this awful time. The only thing I can say is that I am so sorry. I am praying for you!!

Jenni said...

I know there is nothing I can say to make it even a little better. I've struggled to conceive, but that can't compare to losing like you have. Just know that you are loved, and hug that girl of yours.

Finding Normal said...

More hugs for you today. And tomorrow. And as long as you need them!

Me said...

I'm crying just reading this, and there's no shame in that. It's not like we're at the Firestone or anything!

I'm still praying for you, AG, and Remi-what a precious little girl.

Evi said...

Remi...she's your little Pooh.

Gives whole new meaning to 'little shit'...

Oh those little guys...the ones that just barely got here from heaven...they know how to touch us like nobody else...

What a comfort she is, hey?

Sissy said...

You are so precious, as is Remi. I certainly don't blame you for asking for another look. I would. I would want them to look 5 times.

Keep your chin up!

Sherri - KaysvilleMomma said...

I would have asked for another look and then another and another....

Sweet little Remi.....

Leighann said...

"Why are you crying, mommy?" That's what my little girl is saying to me right now. We are all with you.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I just keeping thinking, WHY? It's so unfair.
Sweet little Remi, comforting her mama.

Rae said...

You do realize that I am sitting at my desk at work, crying. And in a minute I will have to walk out of the office into the hallways of a Junior High and have kids ask me- "Why is the counselor crying?".

Thank you.

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your pain.

Thank you for opening your heart and allowing us in.

emily said...

That please-check-one-more-time bit took me over the edge. And then the please-don't-make-fun-of-me part. Wow. That is so what I think I would do. And say. As would any mother with a broken heart. I have no words.

Amy said...

Crying as I read this today...My prayers are still with you...

Thank God for Remi and her compassion and love for you!

Amy Jo

Tracy said...

I knew I loved Winnie the Pooh for a reason - he gets us through, I'm telling you.

I have silent tears running down my face and that ugly lump in the back of my throat that refuses to let me breathe.

My coworkers probably think I'm a nutter, but they don't know.

Melissa...

I don't know. I'm with you.

StitchinByTheLake said...

My heart hurts and I have a lump in my throat that takes my breath and I wish I had the words, but I have none that will make one bit of difference to your pain. But God does. He has the words and the touch. He will carry you. Blessings, marlene

Shari said...

I have never read your blog before. I read everything. My heart's with you. (((HUG))))

Mikki said...

Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Melissa said...

Melissa, that was so well written. I continue to intercede on your behalf. Love you, girl....

Shelley said...

Melissa,
I know that I don't know you and you don't know me from Adam's housecat, but I have to tell you that I love you from the depths of my heart.
You are an incredibly precious person to me. I read your blog each day and I cry and I pray for you.
I'm a new blogger and I have to tell you that you have touched places in me that I didn't know I had.
So, you just talk and cry and blog all you need to because (unless God calls me home) you are not going to lose this reader.

Kendrawolf said...

Praying and crying here too.

Rhonda said...

Melissa, if we can't not cry reading this, then how on earth could you expect yourself to stay dry-eyed living it?

Big hug.

Strawberry Blonde said...

There is wisdom in the words of Christopher Robin. You, Melissa Lee, are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

I pray that God makes His plan very evident to you soon. I am glad that Remi and AG are there to help you cry.

-- Brandi

Merrie said...

No harm in looking twice. Why spend more time wondering? I'm glad you spoke up. And I think Remi would agree with me -- that I think you are a wonderful mother.
(((Melissa)))
Heaps of love and prayers on you. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Deanna said...

You want me to go smack the nurse that called you "hon"?? I'd do it for ya! and then I'd run like crazy, but I'd do it for ya!

I cried with you again today and I ache on the inside for this story that you're sharing. I'm praying. If I was there, I'd give you a big ole hug and we'd sit out on the porch with cold milk and hot cobbler (with vanilla ice cream).

kelliinreallife said...

Sending you lots of love

Connie said...

I'm sitting here bawling as I read this...there are just no words.

Tiffany Crawford said...

Nothing I say can ease the pain. No words can give comfort to you. No understanding will truly comprehend. There are times in life that are ours, that no on shares. That even though we claim we've been "there", we've only been in some version of "there"--not YOUR "there".

BUT... even as you sit and think "All these people care, but do they really GET IT?" There are parts of us --or rather I should speak for myself---there are parts of me that don't, but that does not make my heart break for you any less.

I've never met you--and may never this side of heaven--but you are a kindred spirit. Thank you for allowing me to see inside your foxhole. It is a privelige.

You will be sad and angry. You will question and blame. Remember not only the promise of God...but the promisemaker of God. His joy will be complete in you in ways that you will never comprehend. I pray his healing power on your heart, and a new hope in your soul.

much love...

half-Past Kissin' Time said...

I'm so sorry...Thank you for sharing your heart.

Jenn said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and have touched my soul. My heart just aches for you and I wish you god's strength as you heal.

Insane Mama said...

YOu are so brave to share your pain with the word. I have had three miscarrages, so I understand the pain. I am so sorry.

Angela said...

Oh, Melissa, I am just now learning about your painful heartache. Your words here have been so honest. My fingers don't know what else to type. Just know that you and AG are in my heart.

Adrienne and Jim said...

Melissa,

Thank you for sharing your story with me today. Reading this post brought back all of the feelings I had with each of my 5 babies as I lay on that cold table, exposed and vulnerable, and was told that same news I just didn't want to hear. I wanted so much to just say "Don't say anything. I know. I can't hear this another time." My heart aches with yours, for you, for your husband, for Remi.

I am grateful to have "met" you today and pray you will be comforted just as you need it as you wait. Oh the waiting... I just couldn't wait this last time. I had to have the d&c and chose to have it done quickly so we could test the baby for chromosomal issues and to find out the gender. It just hurt to much carrying her around any longer, knowing she wasn't going to survive.

I have heard stories of not seeing a heartbeat and then later seeing one after waiting 2 weeks so maybe there is something to be said for that. I am so sorry this is happening to you again.

Adrienne

Givinya De Elba said...

Melissa not many blog posts make me cry, not even the sad ones. But this one did. I was one of the people who prayed for you and your little one in the beginning. I don't understand why it has to be this way.

Swirl Girl said...

what a darling child you have. you must hug her. lots.

Tiffany Crawford said...

It's me again...lucky you...

Here is a Blog I stalk...thought it might be an encouragement to you...
BRING THE RAIN
www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com

TJ

Teana said...

I'm so sorry...truly I am. You and your sweet family are in my prayers. Our great God is the God of all comfort and He is the only One who can bring peace and meaning out of this mess. I will trust Him with you, Melissa.

jennifer said...

I am weeping.

Bless your heart. Big prayers, right now, going before the throne for you.

Jen

Anonymous said...

so powerful and honest.

i feel blessed to have randomly come across your blog.

may God help to comfort you in your pain.

Louisa said...

My heart breaks for you. I am so so so sorry that you are going through all this.

Kaza said...

I'm so, so, so sorry. This is a heartbreakingly beautiful post. I have had that moment happen, a year and a half ago now, though my toddler (at the time) wasn't in the room so I didn't have that extra layer to manage. I'm catching up on my reader so I'll have to see what has happened since. I'm just so sorry you had to have that sucky, sucky ultrasound experience. And girl? Good for you for saying what you did at the end. I didn't have the guts to ask the tech to look again. But next time I would because nothing matters but getting the reassurance you need in that moment.

Belle-ah said...

I am new to your blog, so I hope it isn't too strange that I chose this post to comment on but I have laid on that table and been told to go home for 2 weeks and come back. I haven't ever talked about it (and that was 12 years ago) but I still remember...prayers...

-Bridget said...

I hadn't been on your blog in a while, but I was thinking of you as I started a little series on my blog on how our two-year old came to be and having similar heartaches as yours. I was back reading all of your posts, really hoping I wouldn't find this one. I'm so sorry. I am crying for you and my heart hurts for you.