Jul 30, 2008

The Foxhole. Part 3.

Today is the end of my Foxhole series. I mean, it's part 3, people. And if we've learned anything it's that NOTHING is ever as good if it has a 4th and 5th sequel. Does anyone even remember Mad Max 4: Fury Road?

Thought not.

And though the last couple of days have not been easy posts for me I felt them necessary to share with you all.

Today I feel is neither easy nor necessary - but will be done because I'm committed to blogging. Okay, that's a lie. It's because I'm a glutton for punishment.

When we blog we expose a side of ourselves that we get to choose. How wonderful, huh? How wonderful to wake up and think today I will neither bath nor put clothes on - but I will post a picture my husband took of me three weeks ago and no one will be the wiser.

Or, today I choose to expose my patient and "fruit of the spirit" side even though I just chewed my kids out for the 5th time and hung the phone up on my husband.

Or, here's one. Today I will choose to be funny although I'm hurting.

I will choose to make a joke even though I stood in the shower and cried.

I will choose to write about sippy cups and playdates, even though my husband just walked out the door. Again.

Any of these sound familiar?

Today I will choose to write about how angry we are allowed to get with a God who is bigger and better and wiser and greater than we can ever dream of being. Because I am angry. And fed-up. And I feel jilted. And left out.

No, those aren't examples. Those are for real. That is a pretty good explanation of how I really feel. I'm just sayin'. All pretense aside. Today I choose...to be real.

And real ain't always pretty.

I think my biggest fear after losing this pregnancy was what people would think. Can you believe that? I mean, did I learn nothing from EIGHTH GRADE??? Who cares what people think! But I really felt afraid that people would look at me from afar and think, "How much more can she take? Why doesn't' she just give up already? Why doesn't she just quit trying to get pregnant. By this point she's doing this to herself."

I didn't want to be the lady that walked in to the church and people peered at and rolled their eyes at and thought, "Silly fool. Give up. Move on."

But then I decided that if a person did that - they obviously have never held a child before.

Because to hold a child in your arms and know that their nose is your nose. Or that they have red hair like your grandmother. Or that their toes are long like their daddies. Well, if you've done that - then you know.

Am I right?

So who cares who laughs or mocks or scoffs or makes their comments. Let them. They are ignorant.

But me? I am real.

I'm just as real as Job who screamed into the heavens, "But I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God." (Job 13:3).

I'm not saying I'm Job. Please don't compare my heartache to his. Besides I've never been one for comparing war wounds, I'm just saying that today in all my realness I long to get 5 minutes alone with Him. I long to ARGUE with Him. Hear His side. Have Him hear mine. Plead my case. And duke this thing out. Job said, "If only I new where to find him; if only I could go to His dwelling! I would state my case before Him and fill my mouth with arguments." (Job 23:3)

Not just for this pregnancy. No. But for the first one, that I waited five long years for.

Or for the second one. That was so devastating that it nearly took my marriage down with it.

Or for sweet Elisha. Who had my nose. And The AG's toes. Who cried when I held him and cooed when his daddy did. Oh yeah - give me a few minutes to argue that one.

Or for this baby, who I thought might be my God-given reward for, oh, I don't know, LIVING through the last one?!?

Oh yeah Big Guy, You and me, five minutes. Alone. Give me just five minutes to plead my case.

But what will five minutes do? Huh?
Honestly, what will pleading my case really do in light of a God who is wiser than I am?
Fairer than I'll ever be?
Full of justice and mercy, exceeding in love.
Do I really think I can outwit, outsmart, outlast?
No. I'm crazy to even try.

Look, I can't explain why this kind of thing happened. I don't know that I really need an explanation. I think I just want someone to argue with. And I know He can take it.

The last thing I am pretentious enough to think is that I can write a post on "why bad things happen to good people" and that it will be just the salve that anyone reading this blog might need. Please.

I don't know why things happen.
I don't know why things hurt.

I don't know why you lose your temper so easily with your kiddos.

Or why your husband walked out the door again.

I don't know why there was a lay-off at work.

I don't know why you're husband won't go to church with you.

Or how your going to pay for that bill that just came in the mail.

I don't know why I can't lose these last 50 pounds.

Or why Arrested Development wasn't renewed for another season.

I just know these things happen. All over the world. All of the time.

And, well, I know that when they do I have someone to turn to. And I want you to have someone too. Do you? (If not, would you please email me? We have so very much to talk about. Please don't be scared. I'm harmless.)

Even in all my anger and all my rage and all my heartache and all my disappointment. Still I go to the One that Psalm 56 says has, "...put my tears in a bottle." That is one mighty big bottle by this point, might I add.

But still I go.
Through every pregnancy - I go.
Through every ultrasound - I go.
Through every tear - I go.
Through every trial - I go.

Oh yeah. I'm angry. Don't get me wrong. I will be for a while.
But even as deep as my anger runs, my love for the Lord runs deeper. Much deeper.

And that, my lovelies, is about as real as it gets.

65 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well put Melissa. Thanks for being real. There's not many people out there like that anymore.

Michelle

stefanie said...

Thanks for being completely real. I'm still praying for you all.

ugagirl30 said...

We talked last month in SS about beig angry with God. I am glad to hear that even though you are still in pain, you are still seeking God. He wants to hear from us, even if we are telling him how angry we are or disappointed we are, and even if he already knows our hearts and our minds, he wants to hear our voices. I so wish that I could explain why this happened, that someone could explain. But know this, you are loved. I know we here in blogworld don't really know you, but it is possible to care about people you don't know. And we will stand by your side and listen to what you have to say whether it is funny or whether you choose to remain in the foxhole indefinitely.

Perksofbeingme said...

First of all, I can attest to Melissa being harmless. As I've emailed her and we have talked some. This just amazes me Melissa. YOur strength in all of this, your reliance on god. I mean I'm still figuring things out and I'm no where near what you have. I think that's amazing. Truly truly amazing. KNow that please. And thank you for being real. Thank you for being you.

The Collins Family said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us like this...you are an amazing woman. I'm still praying for you.

Lula! said...

YES! This is what I needed to hear from you. This is what I needed to know God was going to do through you. This is what He guided your hand in writing.

You might as well be standing naked in front of the cast of Lost. (I'd do it with you if it meant we'd get to meet all of them and find out once and for all if Ben's the good guy or not.) Because THIS, Melissa...THIS is as real as it gets.

And I'm proud of you. And I love you. And I'm still praying for you.

p.s. And I will be triumphant this week--we will be in salty goodness Heaven in mere days. You and me. Yes, we will.

bigjohnsgirl said...

It is so wonderful that you are not shying away from God right now when it would be so easy to do so. I know that my story no where near compares to yours but I had a hard journey down the ttc road. There were so many times that I questioned and yelled at God. But then I decided that He had a plan for me and changed the way I was praying. Instead of praying for it to happen NOW, I started praying that if it was in His plan for me then please let it happen when the time was right. About 2 months later is when I found out I was pregnant. I know that He was waiting for me to get my priorities right and to realize that things aren't done in my time, they are done in His time. I thank you for sharing your hurt with us. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!!

Melissa said...

Your realness is what keeps me coming back to read again and again. I feel a kindred spirit with you, woman with the best name ever!
I talk about you at my bible study, Wednesday night prayer meeting and at Sunday School. You are truly someone who's touched my life. You've given me a reason to talk to God more often (which I need to do). Email and I will give you the rest of the lowdown on that one.
Never give up, Melissa. Love you, sister.

Deb said...

that was on of the most honest and truthful posts i have ever read. thank you for continuing to share with us Melissa.

Midwest Mommy said...

Wow, thank you. Great post.

Kelley said...

Psalms 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy."

I, for one, find great comfort in that and, as I think about you and your situation, I can hardly wait for your shouting to begin for the tears you have certainly shown.

Go ahead, be angry with God...He can take it.

Heather said...

When I read your "silence" post, I cried. As if I know you. I was so sad for you and your family, and I told my girlfriends about you. I wondered how you would continue to blog about it. Now I know. Lula is so right; this is God-inspired writing. If I wasn't already saved, you would inspire me to do so. Your faith is amazing. I have referred other blog readers to your site, I hope you don't mind. Because you have a gift, Melissa, and you are using it well, despite your anger and sadness and tears. Keep on keeping on, girl.

Lauren W said...

What a beautiful burst of reality. You are so so right, on all counts.
Clearly God has blessed you with wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Pace e Bene.

Kendrawolf said...

What a beautiful post. I can feel the pain and the love for God that you have. I know that God feels it too and He is there with you.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

One of the things that I have hated most from "Christianity" is the misguided belief that we can't get mad at God. He can create the world, set all things to order, but somehow can't handle our anger? What kind of a realtionship would that be if we could only present the our sunny sides? I'm glad you're getting mad at God... so is He.

Amy said...

I cannot imagine the hopeless feeling that people without God must feel. In the midst of tragedy, we have Him. Praise God!

Trace said...

I call it "raging at the world and it's inequities" and I've wondered similar things.

Mommy said...

"Praise you in this Storm" by Casting Crowns is playing in my mind. How difficult it must be to share the "realness" of your story. I don't know what to say except I'm praying for you...

Cresta said...

All week, tears have come to my eyes as I read your posts. May God bless you and keep you.

Lynda said...

What amazes me the most is that, in the midst of your heartache, you are blessing more people than you can even begin to imagine.

Vicki said...

We're never closer to God and more able to be molded by Him then when we're at our weakest. I'm so glad that your faith and trust are in Him. And I'm still praying for you.

Melissa Workman said...

Melissa #1 - I love you and your realness!!! Melissa #2

Breanne Vasquez said...

Thank you that was so wonderful. You either make me laugh out loud or cry. Today I was bawling. We are praying.

Deanna said...

Sometimes things just get a little too real.

Glad God is always in control even when I completely and utterly don't understand.

Karen said...

Great and wise post, Melissa.

After my last miscarriage, I got so angry at God, that I went out into my backyard and started throwing rocks, from my garden, at the sky. I was also yelling my head off at him at the same time.

I believe very strongly, in unconditional love. That's what my relationship with God, and others in my life, is all about.

At times I may get angry at God or them, question him or them, even not like him or them very much. However, that acceptance and unconditional love is alway there, even in the worst of times.

I just want you to know that I really admire your strength, your wisdom and your grace.

*HUGS*

Amy said...

You are a very strong woman. I truly believe that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I have never lost a child, but did lose a mother and a marriage. It hurts, but I am strong for the sake of the people who are still in my life. I wish you well.

Jenny said...

All I can say is AMEN!!!! I think more people need to understand that they really can argue with the Lord and it is OK. He and I have had many a diagreements over the years, but in the end, I know He'll love me through it all. I'm so thankful you haven't given up, because our God can do anything He darn well pleases. Hold on to your dreams.

Trish said...

You, my friend, just did all that our Savior asks of you. Through your pain you still managed to glorify Him.

You are so right on every aspect of this post.

Now, may I please hear you sing "Jesus Bring the Rain" cuz I know that you singing would be the most beautiful version I have ever heard.

You are loved,

Trish

NoahandMaddysMom said...

Thanks for being real. Your testimony will be the salve to someone elses wounds...it sur eis to mine.
You are an amazingly strong woman, a child of God, and a REAL as it gets!!

Octamom said...

...and your realness is beautiful...

Blessings~

Caution Flag said...

Thank-you for articulating what I feel but can't say.

Gramma 2 Many said...

Melissa, cannot say anything that has not been said. You are amazing. Your strength in a time of sorrow, your faith, your willingness to share...all will touch someone who needs it most. I am sure someone is reading this who needs to know our wonderful Saviour, and you will be instrumental in introducing her/him to Him.
I will dry my tears now and continue reading, but you are never far from my heart.

Sarah B. said...

I have nothing to say other than I don't know you but I love you. Your strength comes out as you ask all of those powerful questions to the Mighty One and I LOVE YOU FOR IT.

Momma T said...

Well said.

Anonymous said...

I GO WITH YOU!!! I am so proud of you and I love you!

Kimberly J.

marigold said...

Thanks for sharing what you're going through. Don't feel that you have to be anyone else but YOU. That's who I come to hear. If I felt like I had the right words to say, I'd say them.

robin said...

I have been arguing with Him myself. Thanks for letting others know that it's not supposed to be easy to have faith. My Psalm has been 69...David says "I am weary from crying; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God"...but then he says "You who seek God, take heart! For the Lord listens to the needy and does not despise His own who are prisoners."

Strawberry Blonde said...

The foxhole is large with your Lord with you. It is great as he wraps his arms around you. It is strong as He stands to face the fight you have. He brought the rain and you praise Him.

You are faithful. He is too. Thank you for the words you share.

-- Brandi

Carrie said...

Melissa, thank you so from the bottom of my heart for your real post this morning. It has made a difference in my life. I've been throwing myself a pity party all morning because I've been stuck in bed for TWO weeks with pneumonia and I have six kids!! I DO NOT have time to be in bed for 2 DAYS, let alone 2 WEEKS and counting....and your post this morning let me be frustrated and upset with God's plan for me right now and then kept me from beating myself up for being upset and frustrated with God.

Thank you so very much. I just read your blog this morning for the first time, coming from Rocksinmydryer's WFMW. I clicked on your "what doesn't work for me" post and I have to say a huge AMEN to that post also!! Thanks for the great laugh, it shook me out of my pity party and I stayed to read more of your posts because of your realness. I don't know if you're a person who gains strength from other people's war stories or not, if so keep reading, if not, stop here!

My DH's Aunt had 9 miscarriages before she had her first child and then I believe she had some between her next child, and those two were all she had. All the while her two sisters were dropping kids left and right, ending up with a total of 8 for my MIL and 7 for the other sister. I often think of her whenever my life is hard and I want to quit, if she could continue to try and to have faith in such heartrendering circumstances, then I too can go on, no matter how "hard" I think I have it.

Thanks again for your real posts and please know that another family will be praying for you today.

Amy said...

Melissa,
I came across your blog a few weeks ago and I am coming out from lurking to say that I am so sorry for your loss(es). I love how real your blog is and love the end of this blog. It is such a difficult question to answer about what bad things happen to good people. Thanks again for keeping it real by keeping connected to God.

Oh, and by the way, I love the title of your blog! One of the reasons I began reading...

And one more thing, please don't be embarrassed, anyone who looks at you that way or thinks that way is just ignorant.

wy-not said...

Amen to that, sister!

Kendrawolf said...

Hey Melissa, I have an award for you. Stop by my blog when you have a chance and pick it up.

Rhonda said...

I love how real you are. You lay it out there, just as it is.

And let's all not forget that the AG is hurting too.

Hugs to you both.

Take care.

Tracy said...

You are stronger than most people I've ever met.

And it's never hopeless, if anyone WAS to roll their eyes at you and think (or God forbid, SAY) for you to give up on your hope; send 'em my way... I'll show 'em a thing or two eh?!

Heather W said...

That's why I like you, because you're real. I don't like fake people who never say what's on their mind, or confront a problem head on, who act like they know it all when truthfully they know nothing. I love real. I am a real, straight-forward person who can dish it out but can also take it. I need real otherwise what is the point. You keep leting it out and I'll keep listening. You're not alone in this. I am not going to say that I know exactly what you're going through because that wouldn't be real. I am also not going to say that things happen for a reason. I can't stand that saying. It's what people say when they don't have the answer and they think that it is going to in some way make you feel better. It doesn't. All I can say is that someone in Texas cares and is thinking about you. Also to be real, I am not a prayer. I have my own thoughts about religion and God and most of the time I keep them to myself. I don't attend a church because I can't find one that I whole heartedly believe in. I will tell you that I prayed for you and your family. So for what it's worth I am here the fellow blogger that is always and will always be real.

Karol said...

You truely are an amazing woman.

Sissy said...

You said it much more eloquently than I could ever say. I cry in the shower too..it doesn't matter if I get all red and snotty cause I am in the shower.

Kelly said...

Melissa, I've been reading faithfully for the last couple days, but for technical reasons on my end, I've not been able to comment.
I know there are others out there like myself that wish we could come up with the perfect words or actions to ease your pain a little. My heart aches for you and your struggles; how I wish that I could make it a little better (I know kinda scary from a complete stranger...)
Your blog today is inspirational...I was raised Catholic and am practicing nothing...I envy people who have the faith to trust/believe wholey, etc. Many times these past couple days have I wondered how this will affect your relationship with God when things like this continue to happen...how do those with complete faith continue down that path. You've opened my eyes as to how a faithfilled person accomplishes this...and taught me along the way...

Shelley said...

Melissa,

You are beautifully real. And I love you. I was talking to my mom and said you know this woman I talk to just lost another baby and my mom said, Melissa who? I said oh, i read her blogs and I feel like she's my bud. Weird, huh?
Keep on being real. I'll keep on reading.

jennifer said...

I scrapbook. And I never wear make up. And I haven't watched Miss America since I was a kid.

Can we still be blog buds?

Your story, your pain, was very eloquently written. I think God reads this and says Well Done. You have made Him PERSONAL. As in relationship. You don't have to put God on some psuedo pedestal - not the God who willingly came down and hung on a cross for you, and me. Who will wash feet. Who will lovingly point out that as sure as the cock crows three times, you will betray me. He came to our level to fellowship with us. PRAISE GOD!!

LOVE what I have read so far. You are annointed!!

Jen

Tracy P. said...

Oh my goodness, Melissa! What amazes me is that in these three posts you could be so close to your pain and write with such amazing clarity! Praise to the God who is big enough.

Adelaine said...

Refreshingly real - Amen!

Thanks for putting it out there. You could have chosen not to deal with your feelings at all - pretended that everything was fine. But instead you were real and look at how many people appreciate that!! I for one do!! I have family members that acts as if they are living a cookie cutter Christian life and think that I should be that way too - um no.

Again, in my prayers for healing...

Z's Mom said...

Amen.

Teresa said...

From one disgruntled sister to another I say Preach It Girlfriend!! You know we are still praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Melissa, I don't have the time right now to read all the comments, so if I'm just repeating what everyone else has said, forgive me. But here is what is on my mind:

I desperately want to tell you that I understand what you are feeling. But that is not true. I have never been in your shoes. But I can IMAGINE the heartache. Hey, I cried just reading about it. But here is my point: please, please, please feel free to be real. Be real each and every time you write, each and every time you speak. Feel free to be totally transparent. I think it is safe to say I speak for everyone who reads your blog when I say "we can handle it, and we love you for it." What I wouldn't give to have a magic wand that I could wave and make everything perfect for you. But this is real life, and it just doesn't work that way. So, here's a big hug for you ... because showing you our love is all we can do to comfort you. But it's easy to do that ... because you are indeed loveable ... even in your "realness."

Jenni

Hillari said...

I recently found your blog and am working my way through your older posts too. You've made me bust at the seems laughing, have a broken heart for you, and given me so much encouragement with your faith. Please know that another Daughter of the King is before His throne lifting up your name. Thank you for sharing all of life...the good and the really awful parts. You have lived what I know to be true...God is big enough to take it all...and He still loves us.

ann said...

Transparent works. Someone needs to remind me that when I am mad at God, I can't hide. he already knows. SO, you did that. Thanks. And whatever makes you feel better, I wish it for you.

Michelle said...

This is beautiful.

Have you read Bring the Rain? If not, I would highly recommend it. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

thotlady said...

Good post.

Becky said...

Thank you, for being real, for reminding me that I need to GO during joyful times but that I need to GO even more in times of hurt and sorrow.

Blissful Nikki said...

Hi Melissa,
you dont know me, but I found your blog about a month ago.
I just wanted to say thank you for being so real, for talking about real pain, because it makes me feel like Im not the only one who deals with it and has hard times. Times of hurt. Times of doubt. But I know that everytime we fall, and we get back up, we get stronger. I can somewhat relate to your stuggles. My sister has gone through infertility for about 10 years now. I know when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, at 17 years old, that I was breaking her heart. But it just made her stronger, and prepared her for the awesome mom I know she will be one day.

I think the challenges that the Lord gives us are always for a reason. Even if we dont see it now.
But I would like to think that your little one is sitting next to God on His throne and chatting to Noah about how he built that ark. And asking Moses what that burning bush was really like.

I know you will pull through this, and I know that you will be blessed again and again because of your strong faith!

Thank you for being strong, because it makes me want to be strong too!

I will be praying for you!
--Nikki

Sherri - KaysvilleMomma said...

reality BITES!!!!

Kristen Schiffman said...

Oh, Melissa.

You being real encourages ME to be real. And honestly, I needed to read this today.

He is able to handle our questions, our pain, our rants, our devastation...

I am still praying. I won't forget you in these coming days, weeks, months.

Givinya De Elba said...

Thanks for sharing. I ache for you.

Britt said...

Hi, Melissa. My sister sent me to your blog. I see that she posted above (blissful Nikki). After reading this post all I can say is Wow. You have echoed the very sentiments of my own heart here. After 7 1/2 yrs. of infertility and counting, I can't tell you how many times I have felt as though people are looking at me and questioning why I don't just give up. Honestly, I've questioned myself a million times. But, as I read your words "they obviously have never held a child before" I realize why I can't give up. I remember how I felt holding my niece when she was born. I ached for the day that I would hold another baby in my arms and see my own nose and my husband's toes.

I'm still aching for that day and I find myself arguing...pleading my case with Him all the time. I don't understand and it probably isn't for me to understand. But, like you, my love for Him runs deeper on a daily basis.

Thank you for sharing your heart, you give me courage.

God Bless,
Britt