Jul 28, 2008

The Foxhole. Part I

Hmmm...
What do I write?
What do I write?

Do I write about how much I appreciate all of their kind words and faith-filled prayers that were specifically for me?

Do I write about how absolutely precious my husband was to me this weekend?

Do I write and tell them exactly what my doctor said so that we're all on the same page?

Or do I tell them how really, really, really hacked off I am?

Hmmm...
What do I write?
What do I write?

I'll be honest, if you're looking for "real" you have officially come to the right place. Cuz let me tell ya folks - it's about to get all rizzle up in hizzle.

I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Pretend like this isn't happening to me (AGAIN) and pretend like I'm not disappointed (AGAIN) and therefore pretend like everything is just going off without a hitch?

Uh, no.

Truth be told I may lose a few of you. I may talk about this today and I may talk about this tomorrow and I may even talk about this again on Friday. And you may get so sick of hearing about it that you move on to another blog, with funnier titles and snappy crock-pot recipes. (Not that I'm being sarcastic, though. I'm not! Because there is nothing I love better than a snappy crock-pot recipe). But this is, well, this is what's on my heart.

My heart beats with this loss. To not talk of this hurt would be to not talk about Remi or the AG. They are my heartbeats - therefore they are in my conversation. Sorry, that's just how I roll.

When I posted my feelings on Friday I never - ever, ever - expected to hear from so many of you. I assumed you would read my post and then ever so quietly tiptoe to the ESCAPE button and pretend like you never stopped by. Hoped I would never hear you come in and then leave. But you didn't. You came in, you read, you got angry and sad just like me, you posted your feelings and only then did you hit ESCAPE with all the frustration that I felt! And I couldn't thank you more.

I was so afraid that someone would leave me a message saying something like, "Well, hey stupid! Why did you tell us all in the first place? That's your own dumb fault!" But then I realized that I wasn't fearing one of you would say that, but rather that I wouldn't stop saying it to myself.

That was the reason I felt embarrassed.
I had shared my heart.
My plans.
And neither of them panned out.
It's kind of like running for Class President. You want it, everyone knows you want it. Why else would you make all those stupid posters and have your mom come and help you hang 'em around the school? Your feelings are out there buddy, you're wearing them on your sleeve. You make your election promises for vending machines and no after school detention and pass out hundreds of buttons. But when the big day comes - you lose.

Man, those days really blow.

So yes, I was embarrassed. But around 3:15 yesterday afternoon I decided this, "Melissa - you can go through it alone or you can go through it with friends. You're choice." So, I thank you.

The Attorney General was especially precious this weekend. Which speaks volumes to me - when his heart is breaking just as much as mine is. If I'm not mistaken I wasn't the only one crying in that doctors office. I wasn't the only one who felt like they had been forgotten. I wasn't the only one who felt like this must be some cruel joke.

And yet here he was all weekend, serving me. I woke up Saturday morning to a freshly drawn bubble bath and a cold glass of chocolate milk sitting on the side. In the middle of my bath he brought in my laptop and sat it on the side of the tub.

Now, I must admit that at this point I assumed he was going to throw it in while screaming, "I can't take it anymore. I'm killing you off and ordering one of those Russian brides that don't speak English!" And even though in one sick aspect I wish that would have happened, he just pushed PLAY and had an episode of The Love Boat waiting and ready for me to watch. Ahhhhh...a bubble bath, chocolate milk and Captain Stubing. What could be better? (Is this too much information?)

Later that afternoon he whisked me away to the Marriott just down the road where we could "get away." He put us up in a beautiful room, took me to my favorite restaurant and a funny movie. And then we sat up in our hotel room bed till past midnight just talking. Sharing. We laughed and cried and got mad and then talked about Remi and then shared some more...and, well, that was without a doubt my favorite part.

He said something to me this weekend that I'll never forget. He took my hand and looked at me and said, "Welcome to the foxhole."

A "foxhole" as most of you know is defined as,

"a shallow pit dug by a soldier in combat for immediate refuge
against enemy fire."

Rarely would a soldier find himself alone in a foxhole, but instead encamped with a fellow soldier. Someone who would "have his back," if you will.
Bonds were made in the foxhole.
Friendships were cemented in the foxhole.
Men became brothers in the foxhole.

We've been in a foxhole or two...or three...or four...in our day.
I know what it looks like.
What it smells like.
I know how small and tight and cramped it is.
And what it feels like to be stuck inside, when the weight of the world is falling down around you.

And I cannot imagine being inside of it with a better man.

So Saturday night, as I fell asleep with his hand in mine, I whispered "Welcome to the foxhole, baby," to which he sweetly replied, "It stinks in here."

To be continued...

74 comments:

Kendrawolf said...

Oh, how well I know the foxhole. We all hunker down at one time or another, for various reasons. These are the moments in our lives that define us. It's not the mountain tops, but the valleys. Sucks, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

Glad you came out of the foxhole long enough to let us know how you are doing. I hope you start to feel a little better each day but I do know it will be tough. Snaps to the AG for being such a sweetie.

XXOO
Michelle

Lisa said...

Glad you have such a good friend in the Foxhole with you. I wish I had had a blog when I went through this. It sucks - no good spin on it. You just write/talk about it as much as you want to.

Perksofbeingme said...

You might want to create a larger foxhole because I'm pretty sure you're going to have quite a few bloggers who are in there with you. Tell the AG he just has to deal with it =)

Also, talk about it as long as you need. Know that I'll still be here even if you talk about it 27 years from now. (Wow, I just realized I'll be old then...)

Love,
Me

Does Anybody Hear Me said...

I hope things get better for you, Melissa. You don't have to be embarrassed about anything...the promise of a new baby is a blessing and of course you--or anyone-would want to share. I did that many times, only to have the same result that you did.
The AG sounds like a wonderful man! Prayers are sent to Heaven today for the both of you..

Caroline said...

wow, that brought tears to my eyes. you have such a gift in the ag. my sister says that people who lose a baby never "get over it" as some people might expect, they just "heal through it". they always carry around in their heart the hopes and dreams of a baby they'll never get to see or hold this side of heaven. i pray that you can being to heal, but take as long as you need to. we'll still be here.

Lynda said...

Melissa, never be embarassed about being real and don't worry what your "readers" think. Did you start this blog for you or for everyone else? Right.

Having readers is like opening your soul - you're brave to share your heart. The good thing is you learn, as your husband showed you, life IS interconnected and we are all in this together. We ARE each other. And we love you.

Praying daily for you and your family.

Todd Wright said...

More proof that the AG is assuredly part-super-hero.

Still praying...

Amy said...

First of all, you have an AWESOME husband (but I think you already know that).

Secondly, you can write/talk about it for months, and nobody that is a true human would not understand. Sometimes (well, most times) it is good to talk and get out your feelings.

Take care of yourself :)

Karol said...

You are truely blessed with an amazing husband. Don't ever be afraid to share, this is YOUR blog. You can write about it for the next two years, if that's what you want, we'll be here.

I know I'm new to reading your blog, but I really enjoy it. God bless you, I pray that it's safe to come out of the foxhole soon.

Amy said...

Good Morning. I have prayed for your beautiful family all weekend. I am here, reading and you will not lose me for no stinkin' crock pot recipe ;)
Praying peace and joy for you today.

Apryll said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I'm new to your blog, but I'll be here...laughing, crying, and getting mad with you. I'll be here praying for you. It's ironic you mention foxholes, because part of yesterdays sermon was that everyone needed a "battle buddy". Sounds like you have a pretty amazing one in the AG...and a ton of them on here. :)

kelliinreallife said...

Praying for you and your husband.
Sending you lots of hugs!

NoahandMaddysMom said...

Okay, Melissa I am either going to have to stop reading your blog or invest in Kleenex stock (just for the record, some of the time I cry reading your blog cuz I am laughing so hard..but its better than peeing my pants, huh!)
Thanks for putting this out here..you never know who else might be goign through this now (or in the future) that needs to see this is survivable, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

Adelaine said...

What a blessing AG is to you! Isn't it great that God gave you exactly what you needed in a man??

The one thing that I learned from my m/c is that every life deserves to be celebrated and if necessary, deserves to be mourned. Life is precious no matter how small it is.

Oh and thanks for being real. I so appreciate that in a Christian woman because I'm real too....no facades here.

I will be praying for you and the AG!

Melissa said...

I feel truly blessed to fellowship with you, not only in the joys of this life, but the sufferings. You are such a beautiful, amazingly gifted person and I consider it a gift that I've gotten to know you through this ridiculously addicting thing we call blogging.

Kelley said...

I'm here for the long haul. Sorry!

Thank you for your transparency - always. What a blessing you are to me (and so many others) as you share all that life sends your way.

I'm thanking God today for sending you such a great husband and praying for your both.

Tabi said...

How precious you are and your AG....and you keep talking, it was your baby and that desearves to be talked about. You are in my thoughts and prayers

Connie said...

I can relate to how you're feeling...you speak your heart so eloquently. Your post brought tears to my eyes.
I've been in that foxhole with my husband a few times too...what a beautiful analogy. What a wonderful man. Continued prayers for you and your family.

Breanne Vasquez said...

We will not get sick and go to blogs about crockpots. So gald you have a great husband to help you through this.

BTW
You have a blog award on my blog.

StitchinByTheLake said...

This man is definitely a keeper. And what a great analogy - being in the foxhole. I know that in your pain you are giving comfort to others. God is good, all the time. He does not let us stay in the foxhole alone - His tears are there with ours. Blessings, marlene

Robin said...

Thank you for sharing.

Lula! said...

Please. Like you could get rid of me. Surely you know better.

And I'm still praying. Even in a stinky foxhole.

Mindy said...

Well, he sounds like a keeper! I know you are still hurting.. It is OK... But Thank The Lord you have such a wonderful partner in life to get you thru.

STILL... Be Ware! If I see you out at Target... I will hug you!

:-)

Sarah Shalley said...

melissa, i am sooooo sorry. my heart hurts for total strangers when i hear such sad news as this. i hope that you find PEACE and that your hear will begin to heal.

i'll be hanging out here for awhile. :)

Finding Normal said...

Okay, thanks for making me cry. My hubs and I have spent months in the foxhole together, on several separate occassions. I had just never thought of it that way, but it's the perfect analogy. I'm sorry you're there now, but we'll be right there with you!

Sherri - KaysvilleMomma said...

Sitting here crying......

We all have foxholes. Sometimes it is best to stay hunkered down for a while....Sometimes we just need to jump out of it and not look back...... Whatever our choice is and no matter how hard it is we have to look at the big picture.... for me the question is .... "What does my Father in Heaven have planned for ?"

wy-not said...

Melissa, how one dimensional would life be if we only shared our joy and never our sorrow? Count me as another one whose prayers this weekend were more about you and your family than they were about world peace or saving the planet. Your foxhole sounds like a place for comfort, shared with a very special AG and a darling little Remi. Be well, my friend. We pray for you.

Deanna said...

A wonderful husband is an amazing blessing. I have one too.

Sidney said...

You and your family have been in my prayers, and will continue to stay right there.

I'm so sorry.

Sheri said...

What a perfect analogy! I had thought about you and yours several times over the weekend . . . I love that you are completely real and share your feelings . . . not just the "high" times. Thank you.

The Rivers Family said...

Sharing "real" feelings is what I don't do. It's too hard. I think secretly people are snickering, rolling their eyes and saying who cares. You just proved me very wrong. People are showering you with how much they care. I care too and am hurting for you. I have been in that same foxhole and the AG is right....it does stink in there.

Kari said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now, but have never left you any comments. You have such a sweet, sweet family. I enjoyed working with you and the AG in the crawlers room two weeks ago at church. I enjoyed getting to know your sweet Remi when she was in that class. I'm enjoying getting to know more about you and your sweet husband through this blog, and I absolutely love hearing you sing. My heart is truly breaking for you and your loss. I was praying that you would never have to have another bad ultrasound. I think my heart stopped too when I read your first post about it. Tears are flowing down my cheeks for you and your family right now. I'll certainly keep praying for you.

Deanna said...

I thought of you so often this weekend and was constantly checking back hoping to "hear" from you on your blog. Thank you for posting and sharing! You are still in my prayers...even when it's a 10 second pause in mid-bathroom cleaning to say, "God, please be with Melissa right now."

And foxholes reminded me...they were used in WWII...guess what else came out of WWII? M&Ms! So grab a bag of those for you and AG while you hunker down.

Karen said...

Thank you for sharing your experience. I found your blog on Friday...which happened to be 4 months since my last miscarriage. You've gained a reader here, not lost one!

Karen said...

Thank you for sharing your experience. I found your blog on Friday...which happened to be 4 months since my last miscarriage. You've gained a reader here, not lost one!

Scott said...

If you've never read "Band of Brothers" by Stephen Ambrose, it's a wonderful book. He talks about the men who fought WWII and those men who fought together, shared foxholes together, and sometimes died together. Those men developed friedships that lasted a lifetime. Those foxhole times are trying, but they also are uniting. They built bonds of friendship and loyalty that nothing could ever take away. Thank you for sharing your foxhole with us. Hey, I can't smell a thing!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

This post gave me chills.
You should post about this any time you want, as much as you want, and nobody should dare to judge you.

Christine said...

Well, there is so much for me to say. I am just going to blog about it - so check it out. But, you are lucky to have a person that is so understanding and so loving and so supportive, as that is the only thing that will help you move on and through this.

Heather W said...

This could be long or short but either way it is from the heart....

I am a newbee to the world of blogging and you were one of the first blogs I met and loved. I read everyday and feel apart of your life. Not in a stalker way but in a long lost friend way. I feel that if we were neighbors that we would be good friends. We are kinda the same in humor, sarcastic come backs, etc.

I am rarely speachless, ask anyone, but I really don't know what to say. I don't feel that sorry is good enough. I am angry! I have a hard time understanding why bad things happen to good people. I am a self proclaimed pessimist. I always think the worst and hope for the best. I have learned in my life that thinking this way keeps you from getting hurt or at least not surprised when you do get hurt. I know what a downer. I read your blog and you sound like an optimist. Someone who always sees the good in everything or at least the humor in everything. I think your view is better. It's better to laugh then cry. Please stay just the way you are. Don't let life's tragedies turn you into a pessimist like me. It sounds to me like you have a great husband and a beautiful little girl. And if you have to be in the foxhole for a little while what great company you have. Even though you don't know me I am, in spirit, in that foxhole with you. I will be the one organizing the foxhole and using my label maker to label everything under the sun. Brighter days are coming. In the mean time if you need an umbrella for the rainy days don't hesitate to ask. (I guess this was a long one. Oh well, I always over do it.)

ugagirl30 said...

I'm crying again. How wonderful was it to have the AG in your corner this weekend (and always). I am so glad that you could turn to each other for comfort.

Lacey in the Sky said...

I've been checking daily to see if you've posted. Wondering and still praying for your beautiful family. I cried again. I got pissed again. I'm so glad God has blessed the two of you with one another though...

You could tell the same story everyday this week and I'll still read every word... no worries. Say what you need say.

Thinking of you...

Sissy said...

I hope there are men reading this, because the AG just gave them a lesson in compassion and loving their wives!

Trish said...

Guess what?

I.aint.goin.nowhere.


Can I sit w/you in your cyber foxhole?

Praying that the pain lessens a bit.

Trish

Rhonda said...

Hmmm. What Trish (see just above) said. That about sums it up.

It amazes me that I can feel so attached to someone I have never met. That I would so desperately want to grab someone up that I have never even seen in person (that's not Brad Pit or Mel Gibson)and pull them in for a bear hug. It amazes me that I think so highly of you, when seriously, you could be some man, with 17 wives and a bank robber to boot. Oh, I so love the trust and faith we put in the internet. lol

YOU amaze and inspire me. You are the poster girl for strength and faith. While I think the AG (who is actually a 76 year old female Walmart greeter) is wonderful ... I also think that HE is lucky to have YOU!

If I lived closer I would so be sitting with you right now eating fried chicken and Julios!

Thank you for coming back today.

Vicki said...

Oh wow, how thoughtful was he! I'm glad you're still going to blog your feelings and not mask it with dumb crock pot recipes...not that they're normally dumb, but...you know.

Trace said...

I won't repeat what all these wonderful commenters already said. My heart hurts for you...I'm so sorry...

{Anissa} said...

You have a wonderful husband -- I'm hear reading no matter how long it takes you have my shoulder to cry on -- Sending big hugs your way -- I'll keep you in my prayer. My sister-in-law lost a baby about years ago you may want to check out her blog she posted on it
http://smalltownlouisianagirl.blogspot.com/

Tracy said...

You gave me goosebumps. I feel for you Melissa, truly. Obviously I can't know EXACTLY what you're feeling but being as empathetic as I am, I feel your pain, distress and anger over this.

Things will get better, never perfect... but better. I feel that for certain.

Thinking of you all the time,

Tracy

Z's Mom said...

You make me laugh....then cry....then laugh again....

We'll be here when you're ready to come out of the foxhole...

You know...I've been in real foxholes....sometimes snakes get in....that freaked me out a bit....had to kill it with a shovel....I digress.....

Me said...

I'm not leaving you, and I'm not going to stop praying for you. I do hope that you find your way out of the foxhole. I wish that I were your next-door neighbor so that I keep you supplied with Julio Chips, take-out from PF Changs, and cookie dough.

Kori said...

So very sweet of Mr. AG. Glad you got to have a little time alone just the 2 of you. God will see you through this one moment at a time. God Bless.

Lane Boyz Mom said...

Sounds like you are in the foxhole with just the right person, Hon;)

Carrie said...

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have been praying for you and will continue to.

Amy said...

I'm so firmiliar with foxholes myself, and I certainly don't mind being in one with you.

You take your time, and you talk about it as much as you need to.
I'll be listening and praying. and praying. and praying some more!

Amy Jo

Rhea said...

Sounds like you've got a great man there, Melissa Lee. I love the foxhole analogy. Perfect.

Rose said...

How precious to hear what the AG did for you guys. That is so sweet. Still praying for you to have peace.

Kimba said...

Darling Melissa,

I haven't been around here since last week so I hadn't seen your sad news. I am so, so sorry. I wish there were words that could make the pain and sadness go away.

I read this post about an hour ago and have been thinking about you and praying for you as I pack my boxes. I have a thought that I want to share with you.

You know that rule about not sharing your pregnancy news until you're 12 weeks (or whatever the guideline is)? I'm quite sure it was developed by a man.

And I don't mean that in an "I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar" or "These Boots are Made for Walkin'" kind of way. I just mean that men and women are different in the way we process just about everything but especially grief. Men often need to go into their man-cave to process. They don't want to talk about it.

Women need connections to help us process the things that happen to us. We need to talk. We need to share. That doesn't make us weak or soft. Although I don't see anything wrong with being soft. God just made us different.

I had a miscarriage between my two sons and it taught me something. I hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy because we hadn't reached the 12 week mark. Then I had the miscarriage. It was devastating. I was in mourning. And I kept it to myself while it was happening.

Then one day I shared it with someone and she related. She understood. She cared about me. She supported me. And I felt a little better that day.

Then I shared it with someone else and the same thing happened. She really understood because the same thing happened to her. She shared her story with me and we cried together. And I felt a little better that day.

Then it dawned on me...How utterly ridiculous that we are supposed to suffer this grief alone. Why? If your father died would you feel the need to keep your grief to yourself. That's absurd!

And so it is with a miscarriage or a lost baby. Why are we supposed to keep this one particular grief to ourselves and suffer alone? Your loss is real. There is nothing embarrassing about it.

Why on earth should you try and pretend that everything is fine when clearly it's not. For better or worse, you are a blogger. You have real connections with the women who come here everyday. What were you supposed to do? Not share your exciting news and then continue to entertain us all with your fabulous stories while you suffered your grief? It wouldn't have worked. That's not who you are.

I can't begin to tell you how many women told me their stories of miscarriage and loss after I shared my story with them. Each time, I healed a little. And I suspect that they did too.

You are not alone. Even here on the internet. You should share your pain and eagerly accept the love and support that will continue to be offered to you.

Alrighty then, I'm going to pack up my soapbox now. The movers will be here in a few days. I hope it's not too heavy for them to carry.

Kim

Kimba said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Merrie said...

What a lovely post from Kimba -- she says it all. You are not alone in your grief, and you should never have to be.

AG sounds like a keeper to me. I'm so glad you have each other.

(((Melissa)))

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Many props to the AG, what a AWESOME man you have. That totally gave me the chills reading it. Glad you have shared all this with us. I absolutely love your blog!!

Strawberry Blonde said...

You, the AG and sweet Remi have been in my thoughts and prayers often this weekend. What a blessing you have in AG, but I'm sure that you know that.

It's ok to be darn right mad. It's ok that you told bloggy world as soon as you found out. It's ok to vent frustration. I've never crossed your bridge, but I've held the hand of friends who have. I cry with them. We're here to help you cry or to listen as you share your emotions. Thank you for being honest. Maybe one day, I'll have a good crock pot recipe to share with you, too. :)

Love you dear!! Brandi

Rae said...

I do think the world of bloggers have spoken. Boggers prefer heart- be it funny, regretful, or tearful.

PLUS- I'd much rather hear your heart than your beef tips and rice recipe anyday! ;)

Heather said...

I'm so glad to read your post...at least you came out of your foxhole long enough to keep us posted. And I really doubt you'll lose a single one of us; frankly, I'd be a little worried if you started cranking out crock-pot recipes right away.

Do what you need to do; write what you need to write; and we'll still be here when the funny comes back. 'Cause the virtual foxhole filled with your blogging friends is here, baby.

Erin said...

The realness is refreshing...thanks for letting us in. Still praying for you.

Amy Beth @ Ministry So Fabulous! said...

Weeping.

Octamom said...

While the fox hole is not fun, it certainly seems the Lord has feathered yours with an amazing and compassionate man~ and has given you an amazing and real way to share your heart and share your pain and share your journey.
Beautiful.
Blessings~

ann said...

Go girl, pour it all out, all the realness of it.

Julie said...

So is it strange to worry about someone you really have never met. Because I did that this weekend. And then I just knew that you were going to be okay. Maybe not right now but in time...Must have been about 7 on Saturday night and I think you are in the same time zone with AL. I even love the AG and I don't even know him. He sounds alot like my Tripper who said to me "I am with you in this to the end". This was after I threw a fork at him. Yes, I did. (all over some too crunchy broccoli but we won't go there) The fertility meds and "chemical pregnancies" and failed cycles were taking there toll and he loved me even though I was a crazy witch.

You blog all you want about it. There are lots of us who know what you are going through. Those who have been on this same road. Those who have not been on the road don't quite get it but those of us who have been or are do get it all too well.

Julie

Leighann said...

We're here to listen. Talk as long and as often as you need to.

Kelly said...

One of the things I love about your blog is your realness. You are always real for the funny, everyday things you blog about. Why shouldn't you be real during the rough times? We are what we are! I am still praying for you and AG through this loss. He sounds like a keeper! I absolutely loved Kimba's comments.
Here's a verse I refer to often:
Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

Karen said...

I think that you will find that there are a few that have been in that particular fox hole ... and yes, it does stink.

Talk about it as much as you want and for however long you need to. Therr are people here who will listen.

*Hugs*

chasity said...

My best friend Heather (from texas) snet me a link to your blog and I have been addicted ever since! I am sending a big hug from Texas! I think you are an amazing writer and the way you express your feelings make me think I am reading a novel and I can't wait to get to the next chapter! I am sorry for your losses, I can not imagine your heartache. I also thank you for sharing it with others because you may not know it but although you are helping yourself by getting your emotions out, I can bet there are many people that will read this that are going thru a miscarriage at this moment and your blog just might be what they needed to get them through it. I have only had one miscarriage so I can not begin to say I know how you feel, but I too was hesitant at first to spread the word of my next pregancy for fear of the same outcome until I realized that if i did miscarry again, I would need my friends and family then so why not let them in and share the joy as well. Extra prayers never hurt! Anyway, I am jumping from one thing to the next so hopefully it will make a little sense. I don't have any advice or anything wise to say that will make you feel better, but just know I am saying a little prayer for you and your family and with God's help, each day will be a little better. Thank you for sharing and giving me a much needed breather when I can sneak in a second to read your blog!

emily said...

I came here through Out on a Limb and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for sharing your story. No really. THANK YOU. It is powerful, beautiful, messy and rich.