Feb 1, 2011

You Have A Little Leakage On Your Chin. (Bachelor Recap)

There are 3 guaranteed ways to know that The Bachelor episode you are about to watch is going to be stellar:

1. You are surrounded by friends.

2. You are surrounded by twice as many Peanut M&M's as friends.

3. Within the first five minutes he goes on a date with an embalmer who talks to him about "vein drains," "leakage," and "molding a face."

Aaaaahhhh. Pass the popcorn, won't you? Mama's suddenly got an appetite.

I suppose I could recap this past episode for you, but it wouldn't do you any good. The Bachelor at this point is like the tenth week of American Idol: You still got four terrible singers and a guy with a sob story you gotta vote off before you can get down to the ones who should really be there.

And that's how The Bachelor is right now. Oh sure, we're getting closer and closer every week, but we've still got Not a Petite Behind and Food Critic that are weighing us down like dead cargo. We gotta throw those suckers overboard so we can move this ocean liner along.

See how crass I get when I watch this show?

You should see me when someone steals my popcorn bowl.

Sure that will leave us with nutso-crazy 30th Birthday, the high-maintenance Dentist and the Embalmer, but if a Dentist and embalmer don't sound like a good time waitin' to happen - you are wrong! (Actually, it sounds like some B-horror movie just waitin' to happen.)

So The Bachelor this week was just another episode where we sit through the ordinary to get to the extraordinary: The moment when we can finally say...

"Here we are, the last four. This is the time when we dissect these women down to their smallest pinky nail. The moment when we follow them on home-town dates and tear their families apart piece by piece by piece. The moment when we see them interact with his family and make classic fools of themselves and we sit back and laugh at their pain while thinking to ourselves, 'Brad, it could have been worse - she could have been an embalmer.' The moment when we ask ourselves 'will it be Emily, the angelic choir-girl who just wants to love and be loved? Or will it be 30th Birthday, who appears to be one hairstyle away from killing everyone she rooms with?' The moment when we pause the television to ask, 'Is she really wearing those shoes with that dress?' or make comments like, 'If I had a body like that I'd wear that bathing suit, too.'"...

and it will be all the more sweeter because I will be saying it with good, Godly women like myself.

So pop the popcorn, pour in the M&M's and wipe that leakage from your chin, cuz this is about to get reeeeeal good.


Givinya De Elba said...

Wait - I'm still stuck back at the bit where there are only two Peanut M&Ms for each person.

Frankly, I'm thinking that ratio could be slightly more stellar.

Amy said...

I wondered what you would say about it! I of course, as I have mentioned a "few" times LOVE Emily. He needs her!!! I dont think she will stay though! Because, of course, he cant pick em right!

I say the ONLY reason he is keeping Michelle there is because his pecker is doing the picking. Even though, she isnt that pretty in the face. I thought for SURE after last night he would get rid of her. He looked disgusted after her one on one time at the party.

Oh well, til next time!

Austin & Amanda Wallis said...

As I was watching last night all I could think about was how awesome your blog post was going to be. with details on the profession of embalmbing, how could it not?

But I, too, was concerned about your 2 to 1 m&m ratio. You should improve that before next week.

Ok can you remind me who not a petite behind is? And what's your nickname for 30th birthday's arch-nemesis? And why has the drama between the 2 of them slowed down? That's a disappointment to say the least.

I love Emily. And because of that, I hope Brad sends her home soon and lets her find true love.

can't wait for the next episode of the most controversial season of the bachelor ever.

Ess said...

This is the second recap I've read of yours. hahaha, love them!!!! I share them on my facebook wall so my Bachelor watching buddies can laugh too! Thanks!

Vickie said...

OK, I missed last night, but I totally know what went on after your re-cap. Only I missed the M&M's. Thank you, Amy, for telling it like it is, girl. And thank you, Melissa for keepin' it real for us.

Sissy said...

I haven't watched it yet, but now I'm really excited!