Coming Home Coming.

Dear Attorney General,

Oftentimes when you are out of town I will write you letters and post them here on my blog because I know you'll read them first thing when you wake up in the morning. Right? First thing, right? I can't hear you, speak up.

But normally when I write these letters to you its because I've done something silly, like........go to Target. But you do not have to worry about that this time, no sirree. Not this time. I have been a good little budget team player. You would be so proud of me. I haven't gotten my hair or nails done one time since you've been out of town, can you believe that? And you've been gone since Tuesday!! Can we say REFORMED?

What I was actually writing to you about today is just something I want you to think on, mull over, ponder and pray about when you are flying home tomorrow, okay? You probably have plenty of time to just sit....and think....and do absolutely nothing...when you are sitting on that nice, big, airplane. That big airplane where they bring you drinks and peanuts right to your seat. (Hold on, please honey, while I pick up that bowl of cereal your son just spilt on the floor. Ask for a pillow or something while I do this; I don't want your neck to start hurting.)

Okay, now I'm back.

Ya know, instead of thinking about it on the plane you might want to think about it while you are in your hotel room tonight. If you have time. What am I saying? Of course you will. You'll have all night, just to sit and think. Unless of course you're watching a movie. Or having some dinner delivered to your room. Or maybe taking a long bath. I know those things can be taxing and I do. not. want to put too much on you. (I'm sorry, really quickly let me run go get your son. He's standing in the toilet again. Draw yourself a bath, I'll be right back.)

Now then, that's better. He's all dried off and I hope you are enjoying some relaxing down time and that you don't have to answer that pesky room service door when they knock. I know that's a bother. (Oops, someones got gum stuck in their hair. If you'll just let me...)

So was your day good? Mine was. Did you spend yours with strangers you don't know going out and talking business all day? I spent mine with two people under five who in the span of one hour bit, licked and kicked...themselves. Did the people you were with ever do that? Did they ever take their pants off and ask you to smell them? Did they shampoo their dry head and then walk through the room like it was no big deal? Did they ever ask for a juice box 87 times in a row just as you picked up the phone to talk? No? They didn't. That's weird.

So what do you talk about when you meet these other business people? By any chance do they talk about their roots (and I ain't talkin' ancestry), the trouble they're having with their neck and the fact that they washed their Spanx in hot water and now they can only fit on one leg? Because that is exactly what I spent my entire evening discussing with my mother. My mother! Did you get that? I spent the entire evening with my mother. When are you coming home?

I'm probably driving you crazy with this going back and forth aren't I? Its like when you call someone to talk and they continually talk to their kids in the background. I hate that! (Rocco, please don't lock your sister out of the house.) I have always thought that was so rude. (Remi, put the matches back!) So I just wanted to apologize to you for doing that on the phone last night. I could tell you were really tired after eating dinner out with your clients and the last thing you needed was me being unable to talk when you called.

By the way, how was your dinner? Was it good? Cooked just like you like it? Great. Great. Mine was cold and wet. Oh, wait, that was the kiddos. They had cereal. I had a handful of dry cereal, two pieces of pineapple and something fried that I found waaayyyy back in the back of the fridge. But I don't need all that fancy stuff like steak and lobster. They can keep that for the businessmen who come in for dinner all tired from their afternoon of Starbucks meetings and the lousy bed in the Hyatt Regency, right?. Poor guys. (Okay, this is the last time, I promise, but someone let the dog in and she has wet paws. Guess who cleans it up?? ME! You might think it would be a maid since that is who cleans up your mess every morning while you are out of town, but nope! It's not a maid, it's me. Do I sound hostile? I assure you I am not.)

So anyway, what I had originally written this letter for was to ask you.......

Ya know what? I've already forgotten. It must not have been important. See there? I get so excited about you coming home that I completely forget what it is I need to ask you. So I'll sign off now. Besides, I think I've said it all.

Haven't I?

I love you. Come home soon. I'm sure you'll need the rest.

Melissa