Feb 11, 2010

Is MORTIFICATION a Word?

There is a rule for blogging. It isn't a widely known rule, its more like one I made up myself. In some ways its my Mission Statement for my blog. Here it is:

The Stretch Marks blog will be dedicated to real life. Yada, yada, yada and blah, blah, blah. But it will primarily focus on the pain and embarrassment of others. Let it be known that if I know you, your predicament is my amusement.

See? Its easy.

The only problem with a Mission Statement like this is that it lends itself to people hating me. Or people not wanting to get too close to me. Or people avoiding me altogether. But I've always been a loner so to each his own. Pointing out the pains of those closest to me is something I find endearing in my personality. Its kind of like the way I snort when I start laughing really hard. Or the way my fingers dig into your side until you bleed when I try to tickle someone. See? I'm endearing.

But today, my lovelies, I have chosen to turn over a new leaf. Today I will share a tale with you that, well, happened to me. Today I share with you - my pain.

It is what we in the literary world call "a bloggable moment." I didn't personally refer to this story as a bloggable moment, that would have been my mom, who after hearing the story wiped the tears from her eyes and said, "oh yeah...this is going on the blog. This is what obnoxious people like you call a 'bloggable moment.' "


If you were to come out to our compound on any given day you would meet Mr. Patrick. Mr. Patrick has worked out here "the hill" for many years now. He is a little bit of a Renaissance Man. If it needs mowing or moving or painting or plumbing, if it needs to be hauled or built or burnt or chopped, if someone needs something pushed, pulled, plowed or picked up - he's your man.

He hung up the Christmas lights on my house. And then he took them down. It was the only time all season that I saw The AG wipe tears from his eyes. We love Mr. Patrick.

But unfortunately Mr. Patrick will never be the same.

As I do every morning of my natural life I got up, took a shower and proceeded to style my hair as if God were coming back and I needed to look the part. I don't believe one can have a fair shake at a day if they're hair isn't in top form. But I digress...

So on this particular morning, like most mornings, I am standing in the bathroom drying my hair when Remi comes to the door and begins wailing about something I can make no sense of. I hear things like "SCHOOL" and "DOOR" and "ROCCO" and I think I heard something like "SCURVY" but I had the blow dryer in my ear so I can't be sure. But as usual, I replied with a "Remi, I'll be done in just a minute - go play."

And as usual, she doesn't go far. Instead, her and Rocco begin to fight over something just outside my bathroom door. Or at least I think they're fighting. They are both standing there. And there bodies are in motion. So I'm assuming they are fighting over something. So I lean out to tell them to "STOP! I'LL BE DONE IN A MINUTE!" When I see what it is they are fighting over.

Mr. Patrick has come into the house. He has a question to ask and Remi assured him it would be just fine to go see momma blow drying her hair.

And here is the part where I forgot to mention: Every day of my life I blow dry my hair.......................................................................................naked.

Naked. Okay? There. I said it. Naked. I'll say it again. Naked.

I can't help it. I get really really hot and the lights in there are scorching down on me. And the dryer only adds to the hotness. And whenever I sweat my make-up off it just makes me so mad. And plus I live in East Texas and so even the coldest day is pretty hot. And you know what? I don't have to explain myself. I don't. I have every right to blow dry naked. Every right. Naked. Naked. Blow dry naked.

I am not ashamed.

So there I was. In all my glory. When I leaned out of the bathroom door to check on my kids and saw Mr. Patrick face to face. Well, it wasn't so much face to face as it was face to Laverne and Shirley.

"Laverne, Shirley, this is Mr. Patrick. Mr. Patrick, meet Laverne and Shirley. I would wave but I don't find it necessary." (I didn't actually say this, mind you, I only imagined I did. Actually what I did was scream like Jamie Lee Curtis ala Halloween 1.)

To make matters worse - it that's even possible - is that my daughter found this whole exchange to be one of the most joyful moments of her short existance. Suddenly, it was as if she were 16 years old and knew exactly what had happened, she literally doubled over laughing and continued repeating "...oobies, oobies. Mr. Patrick and your oobies." And so I responded to her as if she was 16 by stating, "Remi Hope, I'm fixing to ball up my fist and punch you in the nose if you don't hush." But she couldn't - she was a goner. And after I swallowed a good heavy chunk of my pride I laughed too. Becuase in all honesty it was just like something I would have - and probably have - done to my mother.

The saddest part to this whole thing is that moments later Mr. Patrick lost his sight.

He also lost the ability to ever look at another woman the same way again. I mean honestly, who can measure up?

My family was all abuzz at this story. Not because I told them - I didn't. But because my mother called each one of them and told them, in detail, about my pain. She's kind like that. They are all hoping Mr. Patrick doesn't quit out of pure shock. (Shock and AWE more like it!) The Attorney General didn't find it one bit funny, however.

I asked him, "Aren't you the least bit mad that a grown man walked into our house because a three year old told him it was fine?"
To which he replied, "No. I'm just worried that there's a good chance he'll be asking for a significant raise. For both you and him."


Why do I stay with these people?

26 comments:

Amy H. said...

I'm sorry for your pain...so much so that I even cried over it. hahaha! No worries, I've been the captain of the S.S. Humiliation maaany times--and believe you me, it set sail on its maiden voyage long, long ago. And, like you, my friends and family thoroughly enjoy those moments when my ship is sinking b/c...well, it's not them. Love reading your blog. Thanks for keeping it real.

TAVA... said...

That was just terrific...feel like I know you. Thank you for a late night laugh!

Crazy Sister said...

Ohhhhhhhh my! I'm dying laughing, but poor you!

Jenny said...

This was just what I needed as I lie awake not able to sleep. Girlfriend...you crack my butt up. Thanks for the chuckle.

Jenny said...

This was just what I needed as I lie awake not able to sleep. Girlfriend...you crack my butt up. Thanks for the chuckle.

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh Melissa! Thankyou! Sorry. But thankyou. Don't forget that the whole "Something bad's going down" series was also devoted to your own humiliation. You have suffered much in the pursuit of entertaining your readers. And we humbly appreciate your sacrifice.

Please tell us if/when Mr Patrick regains his sight.

Sissy said...

The UPS man walked in on my mom like that once. I don't think he ever delivered anything to our house ever again.

Mandy said...

I'm sure it was totally embarrassing for you, but thanks for sharing! I needed a good laugh! And a reminder to never be naked once my daughter can talk to others and let them in! haha

MBush said...

I have found in my experience with life, that if I keep my big yap shut and don't tell people about stuff like this....they never know. My favorite part of this entire story is that you told your mom. NEVER. Thanks for the laugh!

cat said...

Oh my no! LOL!

Lisa @ Another Day Today said...

Oh MY!

That is too darn funny...

Beth said...

HA HA HA!!!
I totally dry my hair naked too and fear one day (when I have children) something like that will happen to me too.

Thanks for sharing!

Deb said...

you are so funny...I think I'm rolling around just like your daughter....okay I'm fine now...Poor man....good thing he didn't have a heart attack....that would be hard to explain....your Mom sounds like a hoot...

Kat said...

Oh, Melissa, how embarrassing for you! Thanks for sharing so we can laugh WITH you, right? =)

Hey, at least you weren't bent over, blowing your hair dry upside down like I do...

P.S. I will say a prayer for Mr. Patrick's sight!

Vickie said...

Melissa - don't feel bad - We have all (if we admit it) done embarrasing things like that. I love it! I dry my hair in the same way - I live in East Texas, too. I'm menopausal - I'm always hot. At least my kids are out of the house now! This was a hoot! I'm sure Mr. Patrick was more embarrassed than you!

Kaye said...

Thanks for the laugh! Too funny!

Anonymous said...

Can I tell you I might be a blog stalker, but some people say Ellen makes their day...you make mine! This made me laugh/cry and I think it is because it would be something to happen to me!

Heather in IN

Anonymous said...

Can I tell you I might be a blog stalker, but some people say Ellen makes their day...you make mine! This made me laugh/cry and I think it is because it would be something to happen to me!

Heather in IN

Janis said...

Thanks for making my morning! Been up all night with sick kid and knew I could count on you for a smile!

Lynda said...

Goodness! I feel for you. And Mr. Patrick. And your mom is a hoot!

Rhonda said...

It absolutely is a word. And it describes my week too.

Although I didn't get caught doing the naked blow dry, I did send a seathing email to my daughters coach and then made it my blog post since no one knows I blog.

Oops.

The coaches wife read my blog. I made a "Little Man Syndrome" comment.

Oops again.

Then my marriage is on the outs.

And now my daughter has been suspended for three days.

Can this week just END already? Sigh....

Debbie said...

Sounds like Mr. Patrick went into shock with loss of eyesight resulting. He may never regain it, you know. Too much trauma. I know these things. I think you and I were born twins and were separated at birth.
Melissa, God bless you.

Karen Carter said...

Hilarious! You are so funny. I can confidently say this would NEVER happen to me. Only because if he looked at where the girls should be, by the time his eyes made it down to where they are I would have time to escape.Because I am a perfect 36 long now! oh that Remi kills me. You just wait because I think she has your sense of humor.Children learn what they live and between you and your mom she is gonna be full of the dickens. Just invite Mr Patrick in for grapefruit next time he drops by and smile.

Leslee Rapp said...

I also blow dry my hair sans clothing. My roommate knows this but since we have separate bathrooms it has not been an issue...that is it was not an issue until the day I thought that she was not home and decided to blow dry my hair with the door open, you know, to let a little of the hot air out.

You know that point of fixing your hair when you are bent over at the waist, you know, for a more voluminous look? Well, that is when she walked past the door and got a glimpse of my full moon...

I know your pain, I know it and I have shared it with you.

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