The Bachelor: Tip #1: If He Doesn't Invite You On A One on One Date It Might Be Because He Thinks You'll Kill Him.

Guess what time it is?????

That's right. Pull you up a chair, pour you a big ol' glass of something sweetened with Splenda because you're fasting sugar, and get ready to get catty.

Our episode last night started off with Jake going on a one-on-one date with Vienna. Here's the deal about Vienna; she's 23 going on 14. She has long blond extensions and a past. That's right, a deep dark past. And understandably she did not bring it up with our little Bachelor friend, because her past involves a little yappy dog that she carries around with her everywhere and dresses it up in sundresses and takes it out to lunch with her. She is quoted as saying, "I will miss her, but hopefully I'll bring her a daddy back home."

And she didn't mention this why? C'mon, Vienna, If this doesn't win him over nothing will.

Our next outing was Jake and six of the girls. Or you could call it: Jake, five women, and one woman that is 5 minutes away from a CourtTV exclusive. (It's long, but catchy.)

Their first stop was to a comedy club. Okay, ,maybe it's just me, but if someone told me I had to get on stage in front of a room full of strangers and tell jokes, I'd say, "Where do I stand? And can you turn the microphone UP please???"

I'd be all about it.

But then again I think I'm hilarious.

But to have someone ccrrryyyy because they have to tell jokes? Does anyone else see the irony in this? Send her home, Jakey. Send her home.

This was a difficult night for Jake, by all accounts the man was not having a good time. And therefore nary a woman donned a bikini and jumped in the hot tub. I think they knew he was in no mood. And who can blame him? Michelle, our resident nutso, cried (again), threatened to go home (again), and asked Jake if she could kiss him (again.) Finally, and without any regard for his own well-being or his trachea (because she looks like she could cut a man), he let her go. Asked her to leave actually. And for that moment, all was right with the world.

Sandra Bullock wins a Golden Globe. Jake sends home Nutzone. I'm sleeping good tonight.

Next up Jake went on a date with a Tennessee momma. No, I'm not trying to be funny. She really is from Tennessee and she really is a momma. In a nutshell: ABC brought her kid, she gave all credit to Jake, "he would make a great father," kid leaves, Jakes gives her a rose, the end.

It was uneventful and I am pretty much losing all feeling for the "bringing their kid out" dates. You wanna see what real life would be like? Pack Remi up and send her out with two knuckleheads for a day at Sea World. Whoever is left standing gets a rose. I assure you, Remi will be the only one walking away with a thorn cut.

Finally at the end of the evening Jake let two women go: one was a brunette and the other was a brunette. On my record that is: 2 brunettes left, the rest are blonde's. Hmmmm. Wonder what Jakey prefers? I suppose I should call them by their names, but I don't remember them. One is a brunette who has kids and never got any face time on camera. And the other is a brunette who also never got any face time. But for completely different reasons.

So tell me, my lovelies, what did you all think? Anybody think Jake's wife is in that group? Anyone else feel like somewhere there is a high school yearbook staff wondering where Vienna wandered off to?

Until next time America.