The Bachelor: On The Wings of...what the what??

Last night was episode one in what I fear will be 13 looooooooooooong episodes with Jake the bachelor.

Jake was not my first choice as bachelor.

Jake was probably not my third choice as bachelor.

But apparently America disagreed with me. Alas, I am not America.

Now don't get me wrong, Jake seems like a nice guy. I mean for pete's sake, the man said "okey dokey" to Chris Harrison not 15 minutes into the show. He is also building a gazebo in his back yard. Has an affinity for his parents and their values and their marriage and old pictures they took back in the 80's. And he drives a Suburban.

Help me Lord, the man is ready for a family.

But sometimes "sweet" is too much of a good thing.

Note to self: Call dentist. Make an appt. Cavities in near future.

Enter Tenley: one of our Bachelorettes whose biggest claim to fame is that she has played Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and for nine months she played Ariel in Japan. (Question: If you play Ariel in Japan, are you still considered Ariel? It would just seem like some things might change in context....I'm just sayin'.)

Jake ended up giving Tenley the "first impression" rose, which was shocking to me considering she didn't show up with a gift from her son (is this ever a good idea?), she didn't get out of the car and pretend to fly, she didn't ask to feel his abs (seriously? Am I the only woman who really doesn't care that much about abs?), she didn't bring him dirt and she didn't wear motorcycle gloves.

If those things don't get your attention then maybe playing Ariel in Japan will.

But Tenley didn't tell him this. Noooo, she's waiting to bring out the big guns for a one on one date I'm sure.

And speaking of big guns....

Anyone not trusting Rozalyn? Gia? Or Elizabeth? If you don't know who they are, they were the ones with, uh, the big guns.

Am I happy that Jake is the Bachelor? Nah.
Am I still gonna watch? Uh...yeah. I'm not dead.

And last night, just as sure as you can count on the changing of the seasons, The Bachelor "glimpse ahead" gave us another "This will be the most dramatic season ever.....on.....The Bachelor." Dum-dum-dum. And just as sure as you can count on the changing of the seasons, Meridith and I looked at each other and actually said, "What? More drama? Seriously? Okay. I'm in. As if there were ever any doubt ABC, you have once again hooked me." And we meant it. Because apparently something scandalous is going to happen and I don't want to miss a thing. I suggest you don't either. Who else am I going to have to talk to about this if you all don't watch.

Besides Meridith.

And my dentist.