Jan 5, 2010

The Bachelor: On The Wings of...what the what??

Last night was episode one in what I fear will be 13 looooooooooooong episodes with Jake the bachelor.

Jake was not my first choice as bachelor.

Jake was probably not my third choice as bachelor.

But apparently America disagreed with me. Alas, I am not America.

Now don't get me wrong, Jake seems like a nice guy. I mean for pete's sake, the man said "okey dokey" to Chris Harrison not 15 minutes into the show. He is also building a gazebo in his back yard. Has an affinity for his parents and their values and their marriage and old pictures they took back in the 80's. And he drives a Suburban.

Help me Lord, the man is ready for a family.

But sometimes "sweet" is too much of a good thing.

Note to self: Call dentist. Make an appt. Cavities in near future.

Enter Tenley: one of our Bachelorettes whose biggest claim to fame is that she has played Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and for nine months she played Ariel in Japan. (Question: If you play Ariel in Japan, are you still considered Ariel? It would just seem like some things might change in context....I'm just sayin'.)

Jake ended up giving Tenley the "first impression" rose, which was shocking to me considering she didn't show up with a gift from her son (is this ever a good idea?), she didn't get out of the car and pretend to fly, she didn't ask to feel his abs (seriously? Am I the only woman who really doesn't care that much about abs?), she didn't bring him dirt and she didn't wear motorcycle gloves.

If those things don't get your attention then maybe playing Ariel in Japan will.

But Tenley didn't tell him this. Noooo, she's waiting to bring out the big guns for a one on one date I'm sure.

And speaking of big guns....

Anyone not trusting Rozalyn? Gia? Or Elizabeth? If you don't know who they are, they were the ones with, uh, the big guns.

Am I happy that Jake is the Bachelor? Nah.
Am I still gonna watch? Uh...yeah. I'm not dead.

And last night, just as sure as you can count on the changing of the seasons, The Bachelor "glimpse ahead" gave us another "This will be the most dramatic season ever.....on.....The Bachelor." Dum-dum-dum. And just as sure as you can count on the changing of the seasons, Meridith and I looked at each other and actually said, "What? More drama? Seriously? Okay. I'm in. As if there were ever any doubt ABC, you have once again hooked me." And we meant it. Because apparently something scandalous is going to happen and I don't want to miss a thing. I suggest you don't either. Who else am I going to have to talk to about this if you all don't watch.

Besides Meridith.

And my dentist.


Cassandra said...

LOL!!! Your Bachelor post always make me laugh! And just like you our group of girls is sucked in every season!

We are not fans of Gia or Rozalyn at all! And not liking the crying baby that is Michele! I mean come on, you have known the guys 5 seconds! Can't wait to see what happens next week in what promises to be "The most dramatic rose ceremony ever!"

Megan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megan said...

I can't wait to see what happened!

From People.com
"The dating show's host, Chris Harrison, confirmed on Monday that a male producer had a relationship with one of the female contestants during filming and that ABC had to address the situation on camera in an episode this season."


Cari said...

I am trying to watch it but these women are such sad, sad indiviuals! I felt sorry for all of them! I agree with you that Jake is just too sweet! I did enjoy the Conveyor Belt of Love that came on afterwards. HA! Both of these shows made me hit my knees and thank Jesus that 7 years ago I met the man of my dreams and am happily married without the help of a tv show.

Sissy said...

I knew you would have a post way better than the actual show. What wit!

Yes, Jake was not my choice, either. Yawn.

Wanted him to send home Christine, who brought the candy. And the girls, especiall the one in the red V nexk dress showing off her sagging assets. Ugh.

Oooh, now I need to go read Chris' column.

Angela Larson said...

Shannon and I are trying to devise a way to watch the season premiere online because it seems that ABC has this sneaking suspicion that I'm not in the United States. So far our hacking attempts have come up short, but, we shall prevail. Thank you for the sneak preview.

Ashley said...

We get another 'man crying over the railing' scene, too!!! Can't wait!

Amy said...

I'm not sure I think Jake is as sweet as much as I think he is too perfect and alittle odd. However, like you, I am still watching...I need a little drama in my life!

Bree Shaw said...

i couldn't believe all the gifts that he was receiving! i personally DO.NOT.LIKE.ROZYLN!!! i personally think the big dramatic thing is going to be 2 of the girls become an "item". hmmmmm, just something to ponder! my pick was the girl in the yellow dress, the one that stepped on her dress and it ripped. i can't for the life of me remember her name. love your insight on the show!

Rhonda said...

I am SO excited!!! I don't watch the Bachelor. Not even for a minute. Not even by accident when I'm flipping channels.

However, I thoroughly enjoy your review every week of past Bachelor episodes and will look forward to 13 more weeks of hanging on the edge of my desk chair drama in a style that only you can deliver!

There isn't much to look forward to in my life, but at least now I have cookie dough and Tuesdays with Melissa!


Melissa said...

I'm not a Jake fan, but I do think he is genuinely a nice guy. I do think the show made a good choice by having Jillian and Ed come on and interview the girls. Um, but did it seem like he just kind of ignored them? On the Tenley note, I'm glad he ignored. They said Ella for the first impression rose and she is, um, well, she's not Reba. I think she thinks she is..
But seriously, "What kind of animal would you be in bed?" I think Jake is a little more reserved in the bedroom dept. I realize that Jill and Ed have probably christened their entire living space, but Jake???
I will endure. Because this show is like a bad car wreck....just can't help but look.

Stacy said...

Jake is BORING! And these women are fake and emotionally stunted....which is why I will, obviously, be watching every episode. Can't wait for your breakdowns! Also: if you can make it up this late (I rarely do, but DVR is my friend) you should totally watch "conveyer belt of love" that was on after the Bachelor (in the Pacific Time zone at least). It was a trainwreck and I couldn't stop watching and laughing!

Jeanette said...

Hilarious recap! Love it!