Let's Walk It Out.

There's something to be said for counting backwards.

Someone once told me that if I had trouble falling asleep I should start at 100 and count backwards. It didn't work. However, a big, fat Tylenol PM and some Deuteronomy 3 worked great!

Then there was the time I went in for surgery and they had me count backwards from 10. I think I made it to 9. Although when I woke up I overheard them saying I looked like LeAnne Rimes. What? I assure you LeAnne Rimes would not be laying on this metal table in a paper gown for her HEEL SPURS.

But now I have found a new outlet for counting backwards. One that will land you in a very envious position...

In my family, if you can count up to 8 and back down again, then you are heretofore qualified to lead water aerobics.

Did you hear that people?

I will say it again, for it is a sentence that even God Himself never thought He would hear come out of my mouth: I am leading water aerobics.

I will now take your questions:

Melissa, are you qualified to lead water aerobics?
- Cindy, in PA.

Dear Cindy,
Not even a little bit.

Mel, what does it take to lead water aerobics?
- Joy, Colorado Springs.

Joy,
1. Really big flotation devices.
2. Oh, and four women who are willing to follow you into the deep end.

Dear Melissa, Can I come to your class? I bet it's a hoot!
- Loretta, Lubbock, TX.

Loretta,
Boy it is ever a hoot! But no, my dear, you are not allowed to come. And here's the reason why: I only allow those in the pool who look worse than I do in a bathing suit. Which is why I constantly surround myself with these four women.

Melissa, Why are you doing this? And where do you get your moves from?
- Gena, Pittsburgh.

Dearest Gena,
Have you no faith in me? Don't you know me at all? I get my moves from various classes I have been in over the years, but also from dance moves that I have tried to mimic since the 80's but was never able to perform on dry land.
Just last night we did Hammertime, A Rockette high kick and The Snake. I am not sure that any of these do any good for our bodies (and they do even less for our self esteem) but it sure is fun to think - even if only for a moment - that MC Hammer took off on an underwater world tour and asked five fluffy women to accompany him.......a girl can dream.

So there you have it, my lovelies, yours truly is teaching a water aerobics class. I would invite you to join us, but you must fit a certain profile:

1. You must be a woman who views one piece bathing suits / tankinis / or (God forbid) bikinis as signs of the end of the days. Instead, you are a woman who opts for the all-purpose and multifunctional SWIMDRESS. As all good, classy, fat, Southern women do.

2. It helps to be opinionated and loud. Ours is a class where we feel the freedom to yell out things like, "That is hurting! I'm going to stop now." Or, "I don't like working that part of my body, ain't gonna do it." I especially like it when they yell, "Why are you making us do this? Who made you God?"

3. Yesterday I had just gotten my hair colored. So I refused to do anything that made any kind of splash. The others agreed this was smart. You must always agree with me on these things.

4. It also helps if you are the type of woman who spends the last 20 minutes of class discussing what she's having for dinner when she gets home. Last night we heard, "I can't wait to get outta here and go eat some Fettuccine Alfredo" followed by, "Really? We're having Shrimp Scampi. It called for a whole stick of butter."

Granted, these are not things that make me, the fearless leader, feel all that great, but I press on - just like Christ called me to. Because chances are, when He called us to "press on toward the goal" He was referring to the day when you can finally lead four Southern women in swimdresses to a place where they don't continually ask for sweet-tea breaks, or have to tell their leader to put "Laverne and Shirley" back where they came from.

Thank you all for coming out today; let's warm it down and walk it out.