He's The One They Call "Dr. Feelgood."

Thank you all so much for your kind words, comments, emails and suggestions on my recent broo-haha with the stomach virus. Just know that as I was hanging out near, on, or beside my toilet - it was you all I was thinking of.

(Cough.)

So, in my quest for better nutrition and overall health I did my research and found a wonderful Doctor who I feel like was a true god-send. Granted, if you don't live in the Nashville area you are just plum out of luck. But I did you a favor and wrote down some of his responses to my questions.

You're welcome!

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Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, Melissa...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Well, should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

It's important that you grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

I actually don't drink doctor, but chances are my readers are stone cold drunks, so I'll ask this on their behalf...should they reduce their alcohol intake?

No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. So tell your readers, "bottoms up!"

I know they taught this in freshman P.E. but goodness knows I wasn't listening, how can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

(laughs) That's okay, Melissa. It's really simple. If you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

Eh, I'm gonna get letters about this, but personally I can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Aren't fried foods bad for you?

My dear, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Again, this question is not for me - but for my readers, will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?

Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

I hear swimming good for your figure?

If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Wow, that last answer really hit home with me...so is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

My dear, 'Round' is a shape!

Lastly, Melissa, please tell your readers this for me: here is my final word on nutrition and health. I can imagine it must be a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Therefore, in conclusion: Eat and drink what you like, speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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My lovelies, I ask you...have I found a gem or what? My appointment with him caused me to leave his office, dig through my glove box until I found The Best of Aretha Franklin, put it on track number 4 and sing to the top of my lungs...

Don't send me no doctor - fillin' me up with all a' those pills
Got me a man named Doctor Feelgood
And oh! Yeah! That man takes care of all my pains and my ills
His name is Doctor Feeeeeelgood in the morning
Takin' care of business is really this man's game
And after one visit to Dr. Feelgood
You'll understand why Feelgood, is his naaaaaame.
Ooooh, yeah! Good God a-mighty
The man sho makes me feel real........Goooooooood!

And Dateline scared us into thinking there were nothing but "kooks" out there. Take that!