How To Have a Wicked No. 3

By Remi Radke.

Here are my tips for having a super awesome three year old birthday. It beats wearing stupid hats and pretending like we're having fun playing outside even though it's 108 degrees in the shade.

You heard it here, folks.

Tip #1: Start your day with a healthy breakfast; it's your choice, after all, it is your day. I chose strawberry pancakes with whipped cream and bacon. Then, after eating 2 1/2 bites, hide under the table and scream "but I'm full." Your mom will get a real kick out of it.

Tip #2: Have your parents get into a varied array of arguments over whether or not they should be spending hundreds of dollars to take a 3 year old to Chattanooga for an entire weekend. Have your dad say things like, "It would cost us less to hire some stupid magician or have pony rides than it will for us to take two kids and four family members to Chattanooga." Have your mom say things like, "I waited nine years for this baby and so help me she WILL see an IMAX movie on her birthday." Have your mom win.


Tip #3: Ask for a Snow White Costume. Wear it everywhere that will embarrass your dad to death. Decide that either you will wear your Snow White dress or you will go naked - his decision. You will find that he will opt for the costume.

Tip #4: Get gifts. Great gifts. Train sets. And dolls. Get the most excited about the bug catcher that cost $6.99.

Tip #5: Only take along people that will spoil you rotten. Here are some of my personal favorites...

Tip #6: See an IMAX. Get really bored in the middle of it and ask your Poppy for some popcorn and a coke. See Poppy run. Sit on Poppy's lap. Spill Coke on Poppy. Take off Poppy's glasses and drop them. Watch Poppy's blood pressure go up.

Tip #7: Whenever you are walking through the aquarium, make sure to get tired. Then give sad eyes to Bubba and he will pick you up and carry you for as long as you need. Works every time.

Tip #8: Throw a temper fit. Just to remind everyone that 3 is really not that old.

Tip #9: Beg your mom to buy you cupcakes from Gigi's. The kind with strawberries inside of them. The kind that are pink. With tiaras. Watch her drive 2 hours with them in the back of her hot car. Then refuse to eat one because you would rather have gum. Watch mommy get so frustrated she eats three right in a row.

Tip #10: On the last day go for a hike with your family. Convince them that taking you up a mountain and through caves is a good idea. Watch mom suggest she stay in the van because "Rocco is tired." Watch how everyone feels about my mom's evil plan to sleep and read a People magazine while I beg people to hold me, cry that I'm scared and loudly proclaim "if you don't take me to tee-tee I will tee-tee in my panties" every 20 feet.







Tip #11: Start now planning for next year. Vegas! Here we come!