Mar 23, 2009

The Blog Bachelorette: Meet The Parents Edition

Oh, how I love all of you who are participating in the Blog Bachelorette 2009 competition. And ohhhhhhh how I am so mad at all of you who are not.

Thank you for sending in pictures of your cousin, the dude your husband was in a fraternity with and your Sunday School teacher. This is an ingenious plan - if I do say so myself (and I do.) But it won't be as fun as it possibly could be if we don't have a hefty number of bachelors to choose from. So hop to, America!

What fun is it to be a Bachelorette if you can't be catty and break tons of hearts along the way? Isn't that why we all watch. Oh, and of course for that whole "true love" thing, too. Sure, whatever.

Oh, and to the faithful reader who just happens to be in charge of a certain singles ministry at a certain mega church in a certain mega city (you know who you are): I'm expecting a picture of our Bachelorette to be blown up and displayed at your next get-together. God put you in that position for one reason. To make my blog more interesting!

Like any good Bachelor episode this post wouldn't be complete without that horrifically awkward moment when the parents come in to play. And well, wouldn't you know it? Meridith's parents just happened to send me an email last week of their expectations. In order for you to get to know our Bachelorette, you might need to get to know them; because believe you me, she is a chip off the old...well, you know.

So enjoy her mothers rules. And if I were you, I would take her seriously and follow her instructions carefully. Trust me on this.

I'm just sayin'.

Okay, Melissa Paige: I gave birth to this child. She's flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone and, if you're going to auction her off for sale on the open market to the lowest bidder, I'm going to have some guidelines for this absurd little game of yours. (Note to readers: The Bachelorette's mom is completely okay with this absurd game; I asked permission. She just likes to act big and bad. Which she is. I'm not gonna lie.)

Some rules that little Mer's Momma insists you strictly adhere to:

- Under no circumstances can you give out her home address, your home address or the name of her workplace or cell phone number. I don't want her being followed, spied on, run off the road, calls involving heavy breathing (you may, however, give them my phone number). I spent countless hours watching Criminal Minds and Law & Order: SVU and I know how this whole blind date thing can get completely out of hand.

- I don't want her meeting anyone for the first time unless you and the AG are going to be there as a buffer. If he's a crazy, you can get her out to the car and lock the doors while the AG stalls him with mind-numbing endless chatter. I'm sure he'll let the AG go eventually. You can go back for him once Mer's safe in her apartment with the door locked.

- Just let them meet for the first time for a Starbucks latte so there's no real commitment on the line.

- I insist they not know any of the info in #1 until they've proven worthy to know, after at least meeting for a couple of months at some public place. She's very vulnerable up there in Nashville. She's a very good judge of character and I'm sure she'll have her own boundaries.

- No heavy drinkers or smokers, no drug-heads, porn stars, convicts. No one unemployed or even thinking about it. No taxi cab drivers, recovering addicts, high school drop-outs, carni-people or circus acts. And no snake-charmers! Mer hates snakes.

- He must be an honest, hard-working, God-fearing, Christian man with faith, character and integrity, and be able to prove it by the word of his friends, family and coworkers.

- A passion for Mexican food would definitely be a plus as would a love for movies and game nights with family or friends or just watching TV together.

- Tell them she's a romantic at heart. And she loves her Daddy and measures every man she meets by him.

- She's got my creative nature and cheery disposition. She isn't an emotional roller-coaster; she's very level-headed and balanced. She keeps a spotless apartment and is financially responsible. She's got a sweet sense of humor and is self-deprecating. Isn't a big spender nor is she high maintenance at all as some girls are. (Note to readers: I don't know who she is referring to when she says that some girls are high maintenance.)

I'm holding you both to that #1 and #2 for sure and, look at my face, I'm not kidding either. I'll hold you personally responsible should she get hurt in any way! (Note to readers: Oh, yes, "cheery disposition," indeed.)

Well, there you have it, my lovelies. The rules for what it takes to date Mer. Most of you out there are momma's - would you say she's asking very much? I wouldn't. But then again, I think Mer deserves the world as well. So what say we give it to her?

Join me, won't you? In bringing true love to the Internet! (Which I have a feeling is probably the tag line for many for many of the Internets finest porn sites. Sheesh.)