Nov 5, 2008

Somethin' Bad's Goin' Down At Marshall's.

I know we have a new President. I know it's a new day in America. But in some parts of the world, some things never change.

So while Oprah and Barbara Streisand were toasting each other, something bad was happening in Tennessee. And it was happening to me...OF COURSE!

Now I don't tell you this to gain your pity. I don't need your pity. (I'd love to have it, if you happen to be offering it up, but I wouldn't say I NEED it.) I'm telling you this because it's important. It's important that you know this story, just in case you ever happen to be in Marshall's. With me. At the same time.

Run.

Don't say you weren't warned.

I don't think it's news to anyone who reads my blog that something happens to me from time to time, something, oh, how do you say this, "digestional." Is that a word? No? "Digestational?" How about that? Still no? Well, no matter. It is now.

Maybe you're new here. If so, "welcome," and also read these. That way you won't feel behind on all of this I'm sharing with you. Otherwise you might think to yourself, is she really sharing this story? Is she really sharing with us what happened to her in the bathroom? How horrific, how crude, does she do that often? And you need to know - YES. I do this. Often.

Riddle me this. Does this happen to any of you? Do any of you have a particular place that the moment you walk in to it you run screaming for the bathroom? You can't even look at the first item or greet the first person before you clutch your purse, grab your child's hand, and pray to the sweet Lord you make it on time?

Anyone?
Anyone?

Well, I do. And yet I continue to shop at Marshall's. And I continue to peruse at LifeWay Christian Bookstore. What is wrong with me? I have frequented these bathrooms so much that I actually notice when they add a plant, or change the air freshener to a different scent. I am on a first name basis with their choice brand of toilet paper and I often bump into Marci who cleans the Marshall's bathroom every 2 hours. I've seen pictures of her kids and know she's looking into having lower back surgery or continuing on with acupuncture - she's not sure which.

It's an embarrassing situation. But at least I can still make friends.

And yet all that came to a screeching halt the other day when my time on the handbag aisle came to an abrupt stop. And I mean, abrupt. It was so abrupt that I dropped the bag I was holding, grabbed Remi's hand and started yelling, "Find your daddy, find your daddy, find your daddy, find your daddy."

Thankfully we did find him. And as quickly as I could I shoved her in his arms. He asked me if I needed him to take Rocco, but Rocco was in the buggy and the buggy was holding me up. So I couldn't part with the buggy. Thus, I couldn't part with Rocco. He was simply collateral damage at that point. So even though the AG was nice enough to offer his services, all I could answer was "I got no time. I got no time. I got no time."

_______

And herein lies the part of the story where I talk openly with God.

"Dear Lord, please, I beg of you. Do not let Marci be in this bathroom. If it means that she is down in her back and can't even get up to care for her three children - then that's the way it has to be. Knock her out! Just whatever you do, do not let her be in this bathroom. It would be better for her, I assure you. Please God, please."

"Oh, hello, Marci."

___________

And now begins the part of the story where I wheel a buggy full of goods (plus one Rocco) into a bathroom that clearly states "all items should remain outside." Upon which a store manager follows me into the bathroom to tell me that...

"...taking items into the bathroom is not allowed, not because we think you are going to steal anything you understand, but just because you can't trust everyone, ya know? I mean, even my cousin Skid once tried to shoplift a wrench from Home Depot but he was caught and charged even though he was just a kid, ya know? And that's why we try and provide a way for people to not even look guilty, ya know? We ask that you keep your items outside just to avoid the very appearance of guilt, ya know?"

Oh my Lord. Just take the buggy. Take the baby. Take it all. Take my purse. Just get the heck out of here!

_______

Here begins the part of the story where Miss Store Manager takes my buggy and pushes it out into the hallway, leaves my baby pushed halfway under the stall, halfway out, and leaves.

And a mother comes in with her son. Her son is dressed for Halloween as some kind of military man, although dressing as Damien from the movie The Omen might have been a more fitting choice.

_______

Here begins the part of the story where Damien proceeds to look at me from between the stall door and the stall wall, while his mom uses the restroom two stalls down all while talking to her husband on the phone.

"Go away."

He continues to stare.

"Go away," I say to him.

Still. He watches.

"I'm very sick. And you might get sick, too. So move - you're gonna step on my baby."

"No, I'm not."

"So you can hear me? Well move or I'm gonna tell your momma."

Now he sticks his tongue between the door and the wall. I reach to grab it. I miss.

"Go on!" I say louder and louder hoping to goodness that Damien's mom will hear me and quit begging her husband to meet them for lunch. If my small chance meeting with Damien is any indication I KNOW why her husband doesn't want to meet her for lunch.

He walks away and decides to play with the water faucets. Beautiful.

_______

Now begins the part of the story where Damien sets out to humiliate me with great success. And God proceeds to punish me for watching Soul Train and copying their moves in my room when no one was looking.

"Mama, it stinks in here."

"What if we ate at Macaroni Grill? Doesn't pasta sound good?" She asks her husband for the umpteenth time.

"Mama! That lady in there is sick!"

"Do you think J's would be too busy? What about pizza?"

"Mama!!"

"Well, what do you want to eat?"

"Mama!! Mama!! She is sick. You need to help her...It smells like doodie."

Oh, seriously. This is not happening. I am better than this. I serve you faithfully, Lord. Why is this happening?

_______

And here begins - and ENDS - the part of the story where Remi Hope gets loose from her father, comes running into the bathroom and makes a friend with Damien, Satan's son. His military costume did nothing but intrigue her. I can hear her daddy in the hall, "Remi, get out here. Mommy doesn't feel good. Get out here. Remi, I'm not gonna tell you again. Get out here. Don't make me get out the spanking spoon."

But it doesn't work. Pleading only makes them more determined.

He finds Remi interesting as well, and quickly shows her how to stick her tongue between the stall door and embarrass her mother to no end.

It's the American way, I suppose.

And on that note I heard, "Well then, we can just grab a burger. Let's just grab a burger. He'll eat a burger and I'll eat a burger. Will you eat a burger?"

For the love of God man - go get a burger with your wife and Damien.

As for me, I'm headed to LifeWay.

37 comments:

Lacey in the Sky said...

Oh. My. Word. I about died laughing 3 times during this story. It was almost as good as a story about your Momma! While I can't seem to use the restroom anywhere but my own home, I do sypathize with that ratty little kid peeking in on you. I once had this little boy who continued sticking his head under the stall of the changing room while I was getting undressed...pervy little twirp! His Mom didn't seem to mind ... I kept saying "OOPS! EXCUSE ME!" loudly- and NOTHING!

ugagirl30 said...

I've been there. Nothing you can do to control it, nothing you can do to stop it. Poor, poor souls who get trapped in there with me at the time. My place is WalMart. Now I may have been constipated for 3 months, but when I walk into Wally World, I have to go. Thank goodness for the family bathroom that only has one toilet, because that is the room of choice now. But those dang workers like that bathroom--and they outnumber me. So I take whichever one I can get. I so feel your pain on this.

Rhonda said...

It has GOT to be wrong on some level that I so love when your bowels implode. Dontcha think?

Katherine Page said...

I am sooo sorry, now THAT IS HILARIOUS! sorry. I feel the right to laugh because my poor family, ALL of us yea we are "SICK" too. My dad especially has it bad. Too many stories to type out but here are two really short ones. He is a police officer and he was on his motorcycle on the way to work early in the morning like 4am. It is a 45 minute trip from our house to the station. Well lets just say hopefully none of it got on the drivers behind him. All over himself. So he gets to the station and gets to the bathroom to clean up and is now underwearless. He digs to the bottom of the trash by the sinks to hide his underwear. haha. Now that is bad. Next, story. All of him and his cop buddies had gone out for lunch and were headed back to the station when he need to go. So he makes an emergency stop at the Bank One where he does his off duty job. I am sure if he could have used his lights legally he would have. So as he gets in the parking lot he loses it in the car and proceeds to get to the bathroom to finish his mess and ends up leaving a trail through the entire bank. haha. this is so funny. One of his buddies is on the front lawn throwing up all over the place and his other buddy bless his heart told him he would take the squad car to get him an extra uniform. He just places a towel on top of the mess in the driver seat and gets him one. Now for the employees of Bank One they are opening ALL doors with mini fans and moping it up. I felt bad for a second until his two buddies relived the story for me and I died laughing. My dad goes comando all of the time because of this.

I RELATE TWO WELL WITH THIS.

Dad just retired in july so I am sure EVERYONE is getting their smelling senses back finally. Have a great one!

o and i don't mind talking about this stuff. i find it funny.

Suzann @ Lavender and Roses said...

okay, the same thing happened to my daughter yesterday at McDonald's and I sat in the parking lot and laughed until I literally peed myself. Now it's all coming back to me and I cannot stop laughing. Sorry, it's funny.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the early morning laugh! That has been me numerous times. And........I was diagnosed w/ Celiac Disease and those "sick trips" are very few and far between! You might want to look into this...I still have my moments, but only when I've been glutened.

Sissy said...

I have had those moments where it is absolutely an emergency that I go to the bathroom and I have taken out a Walmart employee. She was in my way. And I didn't apologize.

Candice said...

I am in tears from laughing so hard! These situations only happen to you! Now, don't get me wrong... I too have IBS and ulcerative colitis so I completely feel your pain (and boy is it a pain)... but somehow you always find the places/bathrooms with tons of kids or just one evil one.

Melissa said...

Publix is my go to place. Everytime I drop the kids off at school(not the pool:), and I need to pick up a few things at the place where shopping is a pleasure, but pottying is not, I just about make it to the banana section and whammo! It hits me. Why does this not happen when I'm comfortably in a clean place like my home? It's a question I will ask the Lord when I meet Him face to face.

You are a hoot.

Gina said...

Oh my goodness - I haven't laughed so hard on a Wednesday morning since I can't remember when!

And you're not alone - my place is the library, where they leave the bathrooms locked and you have to ask at the front desk for the key. Good times....

Kristan said...

Oh my Lord, you need to meet my sister!! You and her have so much in common and when I read your blog you remind me of her!! Remember we are laughing with you not at you!! Too funny! Thanks for giving me a smile, I've been kind of down since the results of last nghts election!

Midwest Mommy said...

Oh my gosh!
I feel bad for you.

Wags said...

You can ask my mother... I thought I was the only one.

Only for me, it's the greeting card aisle. Any place, anytime... if I stop to buy a card you can bet your bottom dollar it'll be interrupted by the need for... well, you know.

Sometimes when I'd really like to go and just can't, you'll find me shopping for greeting cards without any intent of really buying one.

And yes, it works... every time.

Anita J. said...

Please leave a nice book of these writings for your grandchildren. I can almost promise it will be passed down with great care until Jesus comes back. You are so good at funny, Melissa Lee. Whew!

Caution Flag said...

Darlin', check out Digestive Advantage - IBS or any other of the bowel related varieties. I no longer am on a first name basis with every public restroom in town. Seriously.

Kori said...

I kept tell myself..."this is not funny, this is not funny"

All the while I was laughing hysterically.

I am one that will have a buggy full of groceries and 2 kids with me. I will leave the buggy in the middle of the while tell the kids "let's go" and hightail it home praying all the way that I make it and don't get a ticket for speeding.

Cassandra said...

Oh.my.goodness. I laughed so hard I almost wet myself, seriously! Unfortunatly I can relate, & my place is usually Wal-Mart! I have sat & prayed for many of the same things you have! I could never have written them like you have, but I totally get it! Thanks for a great laugh today!!!

jenn3 said...

Haha. Better you than me!

Denise said...

This was hysterical. Sorry, but it was. I cant personally relate, but my dad and brother have Crohns...so I have seen them have similar experiences. It never seems as funny to them as it is to me. Am I bad? Does that make me a bad person? LOL

heather said...

Bless your heart! I feel your pain! Wal-Mart, yep, almost every time I'm at the furthest corner from the restrooms, it HITS me! And I completely understand the cart thing.
I'm so sorry for you, but THANK YOU for this today! My soul needed it! I needed to laugh. I'm sorry it was at your expense. However, I do know that God can use anything for good, and He just proved that, once again, through this post. ;)

justjuli said...

Oh, my word! This hands-down beats the Chucky Cheese (?) story!

I feel for you - truly. I would just DIE if that happened to me. I've been working for the same company for almost 10 years and still can't use the bathroom if someone else is in there. I will drive home. 20 minutes each way - for my "lunch" break.
Although, in a pinch, there's a local grocery store close to the office whose bathroom is always clean and (almost)always empty!

You are my hero!

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

LOL, hysterically...nothing more, just LOL.....

Aja Jenise said...

You are breathtaking! Thank you...

Miss Jenn said...

wal-mart...almost everytime. and let me tell you, the stalls--not so clean. someone once told me it has to do with your feet hitting the uncarpeted floor...i think it has to do with my meals hitting a finicky bowel!

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

OMGosh that was funny! I am laughing with you not at you :) Glad the lady got her lunch figured out and was paying not attention to her kid.SHEESH!

Sara L said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying - yes, laughing at your expense....

Karen said...

I understand so much more than I wish to admit..... My husband and I have a system. It's like artwork. All I need to do is give "the LOOK" and I am relieved (forgive the pun) of all children and duties until I "make it to the other side...". I, too, have certain stores that send me running but I'm most famous for the "in the car"episodes. We know every bathroom in town. I try to avoid the ones with only 1 stall! That's a disaster in the making! '
Thank you for finding humor in the issue!! I try to do the same!!!

tripmom827 said...

Don't worry...Obama will fix it so that you no longer feel that you have to crap yourself at stores. He'll fix everything :)

Bree Shaw said...

EVERYTIME i go to wal-mart i have to go! i have no idea what it is about that place but it happens every single time. i will get partway thru the store and then it hits i drop the cart off to my husband who is always in the hunting section and head for the bathroom in the back only to find a sign that says "CLOSED FOR CLEANING!" you have got to be kidding me! so i high tail it to the front and barely make it and i don't care if the dryer isn't going or no stools are flushing, i let it all go! thanks for sharing your story with me! it made my day:)

Trish said...

you are not telling me that that woman was on the phone while going to the bathroom? and totally ignoring her son while he is being oh so rude? what is this world coming to when you can't even go to the bathroom in privacy? I HATE public restrooms! Sorry, I'm sure we've all been there, so to speak. Thank goodness Satan's son was not in the bathroom while I was there though:)

Rhea said...

Is it wrong that I look forward to and love these posts?! I'm so sorry.

I have so many similar moments that I choose to forget...

katy said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I am SOOOO glad I went back and read this post, it is freakin' hilarious.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Is it normal to get that beside myself over a story about doodie and the spawn of Satan?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I just can't help it...this post GREAT, I tell ya, GREAT!
In fact, I think I will go back and read it again.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Thank you so much for sharing with us...I needed it!
(insert uncontrollable laughter here)

Tracy said...

Borders.

Everytime.

Which is sad because it's my favorite store and I spend an inordinate amount of time (and money) in there.

Ruby said...

Melissa I'm laughing so hard. I've missed your blogs and have come back for more.

I'm with Tracy....borders or barnes and nobles.

I laugh cause you can openly talk about it on your blog. My friends and I can laugh in person and talk "shit" all night long, however, i can't write about it. I get a kick and satisifaction when i read yours!

as for damien, i would have just sh*t on that little bastard.
LOL

Jussssst kidding. ;)

Lynda said...

You are just a hoot.

Reina Danielle said...

That was hilarious!!!

Katherine, Kat, Kate, KT, KTal, M Talley, Talley, Kat-Talley, K-Tizzle, and any derivitive of Katherine other than Kathy said...

Oh man!! I laughed so hard! I'm so sorry, but I'm so glad you wrote about it. Satan's child and Mommy sound awful. Poor Daddy probably can't stand the child either!