Oct 8, 2008

Dirty Little Secrets.

Today's post is a little different. But heck, so am I.

I sat down at Books-A-Million today with a hot cup of coffee and a dirty little book. I came across a book called "DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS: From Otherwise Perfect Moms," by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nubile. And oh, how I was entertained. And enlightened. And I loved it.

Dirty Little Secrets is exactly what the title says, dirty little secrets. Little secrets that we, as mothers, keep to ourselves. Little secrets only we know. Little secrets only we tell. Little secrets that keep us sane. Keep us together. Keep us from ripping up the carpet and holding up a Marble Slab Creamery.

Yep, those kinds of secrets.

I'll give you an example...



Sometimes my kids don't brush their teeth for three straight days.



Sound familiar? Or there's...




I tell my husband I am going to go potty. But actually lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the edge of the tub and read People.


Uh, huh. Anyone out there trying to pass that secret off? Certainly not me.
Here's one that's a little more thought provoking.



My husband would be really surprised if he knew that I think he's the most amazing person I've ever met. I'm just too busy to tell him.


And yet my favorite one is...



Some nights when my husband and I got to bed, I roll over and "play dead."
All I can think is,
"I just can't handle it if one more person pokes me today."



So come on mama's! I know you're out there. So, what's your secret? Tell me. And do it anonymously if you'd like. Just fill out the comment section as anonymous and tell us all - what is your dirty little secret?


I'll start...



Once I told the AG that Remi had cried for him to come home all day.
He left work early just to be with her. She hadn't mentioned his name even once.
I felt so ashamed that I drew myself a big bath and soaked in it until I felt clean again.



Okay, you're up!

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ok, I just thought of one, and it's really dirty ... our toilets get stopped very easily and I have a hard time fixing them, so every time I or one of my children go poopy in the potty, I hold the flusher thing down a long time, all the while praying that it won't get stopped up. Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than 4 people that have to go potty and only 1 potty that works, that happens to be "all the way upstairs" ... until Daddy can come home and fix them!

You never cease to make me laugh!

Anonymous said...

You want dirty...

My hubby thinks my Aunt Flo last an ENTIRE WEEK! And I have never told him different.

Rhonda said...

That whole "play dead" thing? OMG so true!!! At the end of another long day, all I want to do is read my book and go to sleep! And their timing usually sucks. They don't care if you're sick or you've been "poked" at by 17 million other people, or if you've been to the gym but didn't shower after (gross, don't touch me), they just. don't. care.

Oh, and it's not bad for you, is it, to take Tylenol when you really DON'T have a headache? lol

Anonymous said...

I can clean my house from top to bottom in less than 2 hours.. but my hubby thinks that it takes me alllll day and worships me when he gets home... OH and double whammy... I usually have something good smelling simmering in the crock pot (easiest dinners -ever) to boot so he thinks I am soooooo amaszing to cook AND clean so hard all day... HA HA

Anonymous said...

When my children were little, I'd hide from them (just for a few minutes in order to catch my breath)by going into the bathroom and standing in the shower with the shower curtain closed.They thought that a closed bathroom door was an invitation to spend some quality time with mom.

Robin said...

Sometimes I have "errands" to run after work just so I can have a few minutes before I hit the door and the demands from everybody get started. Does sitting in a parking lot to read a magazine count as an errand?

Lynda said...

Robin took my answer...there are many times I will find a church parking lot or store lot and just read for a while before I come home to whirlwind activities.

Anonymous said...

When my kids were between 2 and 4 I'd give them cold meds when they weren't sick just so they would go to sleep easily and earlier. I'd use this time for me or extra time with my husband.

Anonymous said...

I always have to "work late" when the in-laws are coming over. It's been 14 years now of working late, and no one has added it all up.

AND

My husband thinks I change our sheets weekly. He always takes time to thank me for doing it. I do change them - about 12 times a year.

monica said...

in order to avoid a long, drawn out explanation of why kids couldn't be in the hot tub i told my then 7, 5 and 3 yrd olds that they couldn't be in the hot tub because their livers weren't fully formed and they would cook.

worked like a charm. the guild didn't set in until my 7 yr old started crying later that night after he realized he was sitting with his back against his grandmother's heating pad. "cooking his liver."

Rhea said...

I like your dirty little secret.

I've played dead many, many times. And if one more person had even thought about touching me, I would have screamed bloody murder.

Anonymous said...

I like to be spanked.

I don't want to play dead.

I want sex 3 and 4 times a day.

More on weekends.

Mamasphere said...

I hope this doesn't come back to haunt me...

I make brownies from a mix and say they're my own recipe. They are SO GOOD that everyone believes me (I add in extra chocolate chips to make them gooey). When they ask for the recipe, I tell them it's a family secret.

Mrs. De Miranda said...

Holy Cow! I love it! My employees might think I am crazy, but this is too darn funny! I love you all...and I cant wait to have "dirty little secrets" family style! For now they are work style...and mine is that I read my email for your blogs in the morning...when everyone thinks I am working on work emails. Oops. Which is why they are probably wondering why I am laughing out loud. Hey, flooring can be humorous.

Lisa@BlessedwithGrace said...

On a Saturday morning, while the daddy is playing with baby, I will tell him that I am going to the bathroom, or going to take a shower. I shut the door to the bedroom, and then... I go to the computer and read some of my favorite blogs.

Anonymous said...

Okay this one is bad...we are on a budget and only are to purchase things we "need". But my husband obviously thinks my "needs" are wants. For instance, shoes, makeup or a new purse. So...when I go to Walmart I get extra cash at the end of the order and when he see's the debit bill, he thinks it was all food and then it's all okay...Is this bad???

Tabi said...

If we go grocery shopping together when we get home, I ALWAYS have to immediatley go to the restroom! It's my sneaky way of not having to bring in all the groceries!

I love your secret!! I will have to go out and find this book! I bet it's a riot! By the way, I am almost finished with "Same Kind of Different As Me" It is wondeful! I love it and was suprised to find the whole thing set up around where I grew up!!

Anonymous said...

I sometimes stay up late reading blogs so I don't HAVE to play dead! And I'm so jealous of the lady who gets to "work late" when her in-laws are over. What kind of "reason" can us SAHM give?!

Sarah W. said...

I will post publicly since we are now best friends and to save you the time in figuring out my IP address (I do not actually know how to do that, but I also do not know how to do anything on the internet).

This is not really much of a secret, but I think moms who do not let their children watch TV are crazy. Because the television saves my sanity during long days!!

My husband is so chill that there really is no need to keep secrets from him. When my kids are a bit older, I am sure I will have something juicier!!

Sarah W. said...

I will post publicly since we are now best friends and to save you the time in figuring out my IP address (I do not actually know how to do that, but I also do not know how to do anything on the internet).

This is not really much of a secret, but I think moms who do not let their children watch TV are crazy. Because the television saves my sanity during long days!!

My husband is so chill that there really is no need to keep secrets from him. When my kids are a bit older, I am sure I will have something juicier!!

Sarah W. said...

P.S. I am not actually sure you can trace a comment back....I was trying to be funny....but I realize humor can be lost online.

Anonymous said...

I sometimes just wipe my kids down with baby wipes before bed (they aren't babies anymore) instead of bathing them. I'm just too stinking tired.

My husband likes to have afternoon rendevous while the kids are napping and I will make various excuses of why this is not possible.

My kids, some days, watch TV from the time they get up until the time they go to bed. They don't literally sit and watch, but still, the TV is on.

Okay, I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself. I am going to buy this book so I can feel a little better.

Leah said...

When my son was younger and I needed a break, I would tell him that I hid a surprise for him in his toy box ..... he would get all excited and would go through ALL the toys in his toybox and start remembering all the toys he could play with that he forgot he had and by the time he was done playing with all his 'new found' toys he would forget all about the 'surprise'

I could usually gain atleast an hour of total quiet time by using this trick.

Anonymous said...

I feed my daughter McDonald's at least once a week and don't tell my husband or my mom! I know this isn't that naughty but they are both very caught up in the trans-fat thing and would not be happy to know this secret!

The Shoup Family said...

WOW!! These are some juicy ideas... thanks girls! Well instead of askign for things from my husband I just go through the motions of how dismal, and hard, and mindbending my day, week or month have been (depending on the feat or favor in the end)and then I mention... oh the girls are going to go to the movies AND dinner for the evening... and how THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH to ask of a husband... and mine says, why not? why dont you go? So to get to the point, I don't ask for things, I let him come up with the idea... it makes him feel big... well, THEN I have to tell him I need to recoop and I will be ready the next night for 'his favors'. Then I come up with another excuse the next night... until he just overcomes me with his powers... and a dang good massage.
Oh and thats another one, I need to wind down in order to get in the mood, so I get a massage before the whole thing... but really it does help!
Thanks for the ideas!

Anonymous said...

I have told my kids numerous times that being on the computer is 'my work' (actually I'm checking blogs) and that I can't play with them until 'my work' is done...sometimes a couple hours later! Isn't that horrible?!

Anonymous said...

I know this is about moms but I'm a preschool minister and sometimes a give the worship care kids, suckers and M&M's to get them to stop crying. I don't think the mom's will mind?

Julie said...

Fun Fun Fun!!!!!!

Just this past weekend I told my husband that I needed to stay at home and "get things done' while he took the girls to the lake for the ENTIRE weekend. I watched movies ALL. BY. MY. SELF. Before anyone thinks poor hubs - his mamma wAs there with them. Enough said.

I also use "the I am constipated so it is taking me 30 minutes to poop" just so I can read in peace in the bathroom.

I CANNOT WAIT TO GET THIS BOOK!

Anonymous said...

I sometimes in the middle of the night will pretend not to hear the baby in the baby monitor so I don't have to get up. Eventually the husband figures I must be really tired to sleep through all that and he will get up :-)

Shelley said...

I am so ROFLMAO at all these neat ideas. I have so spent so much time in the toilet "constipated"

I admire the speaker that wants sex three or four times a day. Wow, you go girl.

And I am so looking forward to this book.

The Shoup Family said...

Okay... dont slap me but I TAGGED you! It's just 7 random, maybe weird, facts about yourself. I thought of you when I got it cause you have made me pee like five times this week... and its only wednesday. I just wanna see what you come up with next... man you are a HOOT girl!!

Aja

Wep said...

I like to buy things at the gas station, because I can pass them off as "gas" purchases.

Especially since it take $50 to fill the tank.

Oh and before you think, huh what? So you get soda?

NOOOOO, they sell gift cards at the gas station. Barnes and Nobles, Best Buy, Amex, etc...

Is that bad?

Finding Normal said...

This is fun!

I also utilize the bathroom excuse to read. Lock the door. Sit on the fluffy bath mat.

I tell Noah that my Dove chocolates are my vitamins. Definitely not chocolate, and for Mommies only.

I blame Addison's fair skin for the reason I only bathe her twice a week. In reality, she's still so low toned and hard to bathe that even though it only takes 5 minutes, I dread doing it. And since she's so snotty, I will wipe her snot on the inside of my shirt if I don't have a rag or kleenex handy. So gross!

I can't wait to read more of these!

Anonymous said...

I signed up for a class at the gym that ran 3 days a week but told my husband it ran 5 days a week just so I could get out of the house without the kids. I did workout the extra two days but I spent the last 30 minutes sitting in the parking lot reading a magazine.

Evi said...

We play poker with our kids...frequently. We don't get out much so we bring the fun home!
We don't like to share our soft drinks with the kids so we disguise them in our colored mugs...we also speak German to each other or in 'higher vocabulary' so they don't know what we are planning. A 'swimming pool' for example (which would send the kids into a tizzy if we said that out loud) is renamed an oversized vat of hydrogen oxide. They have NO idea!

Anonymous said...

What fun! My secrets are 25 years old and from the other end of the world. I used to make brown bag lunches for my children before they started school and send them to the other end of the yard to eat them.. I told them it would be fun to "play school" then I ate my lunch all by myself!
Also.. I used to hide potato chips in our bathroom cupboard.. the never looked there! And then there were all those Sunday afternoons when mummy and daddy were so tired they had to have an afternoon sleep ...

Anonymous said...

I love my in-laws more than my own parents, and I wish they were my parents. I never tell them I love them, but once in a great while out of guilt about my feelings. Maybe I will make that my New Year's resoultion, to tell them a lot more often!

My kids are generally bathed once a week (unless they are extremely filthy).

I have a much more active libido than my husband, I want sex 5 times or more a week.

I absoulutely HATE cooking! I'd pretty much rather starve.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I may be a bit late on this one...But! I get bad migraines and nothing will do but to go into my dark bedroom and get under the covers and go to bed...my husband is very good about keeping the kids away from me. I realized this worked so well, that sometimes I just say I have a migraine so I can lay in bed all day...I only do this every now and then and I probably get a real migraine the next week for punishment...LOL
Oh, and I, too, use the constipation one...it's the ONLY way I can read in peace...HELLO!

Lisa said...

When my husband takes the big kids out for baseball games at night, I eat dessert for dinner and nothing else.

I'm not sure that is a big secret since the bowl of M&Ms is always gone when they get home. I just consider it one of the benefits of being a "grown-up"...getting to eat crap whenever you want.

Anonymous said...

I hate doing the dishes, so I use it as punishment for my kids. I do this with other chores of mine as well. ShaaaameFUL!

I was enjoying all of these comments and feeling so wonderful that I'm not the only one who does so many shameful things...feeling a bit "justified"...when a scarry thought hit me... what are our husbands dirty little secrets? I mean I know it's hard for them to hide much; but there may be some things we don't know about! Yikes! And what about our kids?! Since I've been an adult, I've shared some of my childhood secrets with my mom and she always looks so devistated. I don't ever want to feel the way she looks when I share.

I think I need to go back and read some of these comments again, to take my mind off of it. Or maybe buy the book. Ho hum.

Mrs4444 said...

I ROFLMAO over Monica's "cooked liver" comment. HILARIOUS. The book is now on my Christmas list.