Jul 14, 2008

Well At Least There Will Be Mansions In Heaven.

So this weekend the Attorney General and I ended up in North Carolina. Well, I say “ended up” as if it was spontaneous and romantic and all.

It wasn’t.

It was an event we had committed to sing for a church leadership retreat with the praise and worship group from our church. Well, let’s be honest. By “we” I mean “I”.

The AG had committed only to stand with a microphone in his hand and grin like a Cheshire cat the entire service. Which he did. Famously . Because I don’t know if you’ve ever actually seen the Attorney General, but he looks guilty at all times.

Criminal Defense might not be his strong suit. He would be the only attorney to lean across the table and giggle, “You did it, didn’t you? You totally did it, dude. Just tell me.”

North Carolina is beautiful. I had never been before. The AG wanted to tour the Biltmore House because he is allllllllll about history and I am alllllllllllll not about it. But my girlfriend went to tour it the afternoon before us and said the air was out. So I think you all know where I stood on the issue.

Yes, the AG was disappointed, but not anymore so than the time I made him tour Pearl Harbor by himself while I laid by the pool and ordered onion rings and cherry Cokes.

As the AG said to me upon his return, “Well, Melissa. Life is full of choices. I choose to be an American.”

I probably didn’t mention that the retreat facility we were staying at was a lot like a camp. Yeah, I probably didn’t mention it because someone conveniently forgot to mention it to me.

The AG said it wasn’t bad if you were used to Minimum Security Facilities.

No, the beds weren’t great. And yes, the décor looked like it was straight off the set of the Perry Mason show. But the real problem? NO TELEVISION. Those stinkin' Baptists.

I ask you, how am I supposed to go and minister and get all spiritual and “high and lifted up” if I can’t wake up to Matt and Meridith, take a nap to Dr. Phil, and fall asleep to Conan? Life stops making sense. We didn’t know what to do with ourselves. One day I completely forgot to brush my teeth because I always do that when the Showcase Showdown is on, and well, it wasn’t!!

But we’re home now. Safe and sound. I am about to fall sound asleep in a bed that was built with a normal height of 5 feet in mind. So that should be nice.

All in all though it was a very informative weekend. In fact, here are some things I learned:

If your food enters or exits on a conveyor belt… I’m out.

Apparently the Baptists don’t like it when you walk to the ice machine in your nightgown.

If your room is so small that you can use the bathroom while brushing your child’s hair and helping your husband pick out what slacks to wear…might be time to cash in some of those Marriott points.

Oh, and if your pastor calls you back up on stage at the end of the service for one more song – make sure you’re down the street eating at the Mexican food restaurant with your friends. Because nothing says “commitment” like strolling back in with salsa down the front of your shirt.

32 comments:

Jenn said...

Cracking up at the conveyor belt!

Sidney said...

You just always make my day!!

Perksofbeingme said...

Hillarious as always. Thanks for making my morning.

ugagirl30 said...

So, it was a great trip? Is that what you are saying? And how is that Baptists elsewhere are stricter than Baptists where I live?

Lynda said...

What a hoot. Camping, conveyor belts, non-private bathrooms - I'm out, too!

Mrs. S said...

The bathroom/hair combing/picking out the outfit bit reminds me a bit of our apartment...we have the SMALLEST bathroom in the world!

Lula! said...

Listen, I've been a lot of places with the Baptists...in my nightgown...dancing, even. My figural robes and bee-bopping moves are straight from Psalms. If it's good enough for David, it's good enough for me.

I'm just sayin'.

Karen said...

LOL !!! Food on a conveyer belt ... I think I'd be out of there as well.

Sounds like it was a good trip!! :-)

Robin said...

Be glad you didn't go to Biltmore then. You would have really thought your room was inadequate!!

Kelley said...

I prayed for you today!

Merrie said...

I was born in NC but haven't been back since I was 2. Glad you enjoyed it. Minus the stuffy baptists. ;)

Rhonda said...

I find myself wondering if any of "those stinkin' baptists" routinely follow your blog? lol
Too funny!

Deanna said...

YAAAAY!! You're back!

Conveyor belt food? ick ick ick!

Amy said...

I love reading your blog every day. I am glad you are home safe and sound and it sounds like a yucky weekend! But..Im sure you made the most out of it and blessed everyone there with your voice! How did the test go?

Z's Mom said...

The only time I was in North Carolina was when I was training at Ft. Bragg. All I remember is ruck marching in the sand (sucks) and Hurricane Bertha....and the bars. I don't think I'm dying to go back there.....

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

GIRLFRIEND - I live 4 MILES from Biltmore... and I have AIR!!!! You so should have come over.

And just an FYI - the Biltmore, for all it's fancy, does't HAVE air... ever.

Mindy said...

I am a NC girl. You are right - It is beautiful. If there is a time (when it is not too hot) I highly suggest you visit the Biltmore once. I am NOT a history fan at all but this is a really beautiful house. The spring time is good with the tulips and Christmas time is good with all the decorations! I don't blame you, though, for not going when it is hot! I don't think I would either.

KimmyJ said...

You are killing me, I needed a Salsa on the shirt moment today, trust me.

Angela said...

We just moved from Asheville a year ago--totally miss it. And, yes, we had passes to the Biltmore house--A MUST!

Glad you survived the camp food and accommodations!

Anonymous said...

If I've tol ya once - I've tol you a thousand times that Baptist don't dance and they soooo don't go
the ice machine in their gowns.
In fact, they don't go anywhere in their gown! Forget the ice - you can drink that Big Red at room temp. For sure.....
Tell me the salsa was totally a joky joke. Your mother in Texas

WheresMyAngels said...

I've been to NC and I didn't even know I had. Only reason I know is because I have been to the Biltmore house. It is the only time I have seen movie stars. The Private Eye's had some scene filmed there and I saw Tim Conway, my dad got to see Don Knott. Only things I remember about the house was the picture of the person whose eyes would follow you and the toilets. Loved them pull chains! lol You missed out, you should of sneaked some onion rings in there and spread crumbs all over!

Anonymous said...

Uh and now you know why I didn't go!!! Ah the wisdom of being 44!

Barely a Baptist...

Kimberly J.

Kelly said...

Everytime I stop in I laugh...thanks for that!!

Angela said...

LOL oh my goodness, we need more details on this food on a conveyor belt thing! What was that all about!?

And I'm with you. I'm all about my routine. When any element, no matter how small, is missing, I will surely forget to do something. Usually a big something.

Hope you're continuing to feel well!

Anonymous said...

I'm stoppin' and prayin' for ya right now ... prayin' that the next time you have the opportunity to go to the Biltmore House, you have enough sense to say "yes!" Melissa, girl, I've never lied to you and wouldn't start now. You won't regret it, and you'll forget all about the lack of air. Trust me ... it's breathtaking.

P.S. If you schedule your tour in the morning or later in the afternoon, it's cooler in the house. Just a little Biltmore tip for ya!

Jenni

Melissa said...

So, can I just say....I'm Baptist and all, but the camp I just went to had TV's in the room. However, to partially quote your hubby, who sounds frighteningly similiar to the man I sleep with nightly (my spouse, for clarification), we "chose" not to watch it. I cast down that idol last week. Now that I'm back home, it's becoming a different story....I'm starting to twitch a little when I can't watch me some Jon and Kate....know what I'm sayin'? Missed ya while I was away...I "chose" not to blog either....

proudgrits11 said...

OK, so I just found you and I really, really like you. I'll be checking in often. Feel free to drop by for a visit, too. You're a hoot.

Rhea said...

salsa down the front of your shirt! Love it! You are soo funny. Glad you're back in a normal sized bed. Your AG sounds hilarious.

Vicki said...

This all just sounds hilarious. What I would've given to be a fly on the wall for any of it.

You have a great way with words!

Caroline said...

You should stop by NC more often. Biltmore is grand and you can choose to learn as much or as little history as you like as you walk through the gorgeous house. Oh, and I think I know which camp you were at. Would it happen to be the one owned by the famous white-haired evangelist whose first name is Billy, last name Graham? I've never been there, but I love me some Asheville. There's nothing like the NC mountains!

Sheri said...

Still praying for ya . . .

And I love, and miss, Western NC! Grew up in Hendersonville, and my senior prom was held at the Biltmore. Sigh. Happy days!

Erin said...

Yeah, the tv thing threw me last time I went. There was a nice big plant arrangement in the armoire where the tv should go. I was prepared this time with "Friends" DVD's and my laptop, but something about that worship...um, the Holy Spirit, maybe...kept me from turning it on.