Well At Least There Will Be Mansions In Heaven.

So this weekend the Attorney General and I ended up in North Carolina. Well, I say “ended up” as if it was spontaneous and romantic and all.

It wasn’t.

It was an event we had committed to sing for a church leadership retreat with the praise and worship group from our church. Well, let’s be honest. By “we” I mean “I”.

The AG had committed only to stand with a microphone in his hand and grin like a Cheshire cat the entire service. Which he did. Famously . Because I don’t know if you’ve ever actually seen the Attorney General, but he looks guilty at all times.

Criminal Defense might not be his strong suit. He would be the only attorney to lean across the table and giggle, “You did it, didn’t you? You totally did it, dude. Just tell me.”

North Carolina is beautiful. I had never been before. The AG wanted to tour the Biltmore House because he is allllllllll about history and I am alllllllllllll not about it. But my girlfriend went to tour it the afternoon before us and said the air was out. So I think you all know where I stood on the issue.

Yes, the AG was disappointed, but not anymore so than the time I made him tour Pearl Harbor by himself while I laid by the pool and ordered onion rings and cherry Cokes.

As the AG said to me upon his return, “Well, Melissa. Life is full of choices. I choose to be an American.”

I probably didn’t mention that the retreat facility we were staying at was a lot like a camp. Yeah, I probably didn’t mention it because someone conveniently forgot to mention it to me.

The AG said it wasn’t bad if you were used to Minimum Security Facilities.

No, the beds weren’t great. And yes, the décor looked like it was straight off the set of the Perry Mason show. But the real problem? NO TELEVISION. Those stinkin' Baptists.

I ask you, how am I supposed to go and minister and get all spiritual and “high and lifted up” if I can’t wake up to Matt and Meridith, take a nap to Dr. Phil, and fall asleep to Conan? Life stops making sense. We didn’t know what to do with ourselves. One day I completely forgot to brush my teeth because I always do that when the Showcase Showdown is on, and well, it wasn’t!!

But we’re home now. Safe and sound. I am about to fall sound asleep in a bed that was built with a normal height of 5 feet in mind. So that should be nice.

All in all though it was a very informative weekend. In fact, here are some things I learned:

If your food enters or exits on a conveyor belt… I’m out.

Apparently the Baptists don’t like it when you walk to the ice machine in your nightgown.

If your room is so small that you can use the bathroom while brushing your child’s hair and helping your husband pick out what slacks to wear…might be time to cash in some of those Marriott points.

Oh, and if your pastor calls you back up on stage at the end of the service for one more song – make sure you’re down the street eating at the Mexican food restaurant with your friends. Because nothing says “commitment” like strolling back in with salsa down the front of your shirt.