Jun 12, 2008

Spank That Itch!

I have an itch I can't scratch.

No, I'm not kidding. I, literally, have an itch I can't scratch.

What the heck do I do??

I went swimming at Miss Cindy's pool the other day and got stung THREE times by the same bee.

I know that sounds unbelievable. And since I seem to be a bit notorious for, oh, what is it called, ah yes, exaggerating, you probably think you can't believe me. But you can. I swear.

After all, I don't exagerate near as much as Hannah. Good grief! She told me the other day that she had gotten stung by a jellyfish TWELVE times on her stomach in the 20 minutes that she had been in the ocean. TWELVE?? What a fibber. I am soooooo not that bad.

Of course, she's 10. So this might be completely inappropriate - me squaring off against a 10 year old and all.

But that stinkin' bee got me when my defenses were down. I had Remi in the pool. And let's be honest, I would rather try and hold up an overweight marching band than try to tame that wee thing. She's a pistol. And that bee knew it. So he caught me with my hands full.

And before I knew it I felt three separate attacks from the same stinkin' bee.

So that night my left shoulder blade begins to itch. And itch. And itch. And itch.

Did you knew bee stings itch? I did not.

Now, I'm out to dinner with four other couples. It was a going away dinner for one of the couples at a nice Japanese restaurant. Later we went for dessert and had deep fried Oreo's. Okay, not the point.

And I'm itching horribly and so I ask my friend Kelli, who shall remain nameless, Kelli, to scratch my back, Kelli, for me, and she, Kelli, says,
"Well, babe. I don't see anything."
"Okay, but I got stung today and I really need you to scratch on my left shoulder blade."
"But I don't see anything..."
"Just scratch and I'll tell you where..."

"Up, up, no down, now to the left, to the left, up, up, right there. Right there."
"But I don't see anything."

Is it just me or is the person doing the scratching not required to see anything? I wasn't asking her to describe it - I was asking her to scratch it.

And lo and behold, if on the way home from dinner I didn't say to the AG...
"Babe, can you scratch my shoulder it's really itching."
"I don't see anything."


The worst part came when I woke up all. night. long. with this incessant itching. And I can't reach it. It's terrible. I considered waking the AG up, but he was sleeping so hard. And so I didn't because, well, I'm just really good like that.

But also I had just woken him up at like 3AM a few nights before to ask him if he had the taste of tuna in his mouth. (He didn't. But he didn't have to be rude about it.)

And then there was the infamous night that I woke him up to ask him, "What was that song Rick Astley sang when we were in high school?" And he actually awoke from a deep sleep and said, "Never gonna give you up - never gonna let you down - never gonna run around and desert you."

I thought that was amazing. Out of a dead sleep!! Do you know how hard that is? But he was furious because he was up till 5:30 hearing it in his head, he said. But who knows. He exagerates.

So instead of waking the dead I decide to go get Remi's Spanking Spoon. (Yeah, you heard me right.) Apply some Hydrocortisone cream to the end of it and massage gently.

But when I looked in the mirror...you guessed it...I couldn't see anything.

Of course this morning those three bites were lit up like a Christmas tree. Big and red and ugly. Man, I love showing off my boo-boo's. Remi gets it honest. But what in the world do you do if you have a scratch you can't itch? Suggestions anyone?

All of a sudden it sounds like we are getting into something deep and philosophical, doesn't it...an itch you can't scratch...but let's don't do that. I don't want to ruin my reputation for being shallow and flighty. I have a rep to protect.

Okay, I have to go. I am currently scratching my back with Remi's Spanking Spoon and she just spotted me. Her eyes got huge and she said, "Ohhhhhh...mommy, don't spank you."

"Hey Remi. To the left. Now up. Up. Up a little more. C'mon Remi. Get serious about this."


Lula! said...

Wait...deep fried Oreos ARE the point. Do not ever utter such nonsense again. That's grounds for a break-up, Melissa.

Speaking of another point, last night I had the biggest craving for Julio's Chips and even though I check my pantry every day, not a single bag has magically appeared. I'm thinking this is gonna get ugly...

Carol said...

OK, so when you live alone and have itches you have to get creative. Do you have a pasta spoon? You know, one of those plastic spoons you use to dip pasta out of a pot with all of the little finger things on it?

Works GREAT as a back scratcher! ;)

Swirl Girl said...

You've alredy trained the kid, and woken the AG...seek professional help.

Heh, heh - The Itch Whisperer!

Try rubbing up and down against a knotty, barky tree like the cartoon bears do in that toilet paper commercial!


Connie said...

did you try mixing up a poultice of baking soda? I dunno...it sounded good. Almost Martha Stewart-ish.

Rhonda said...

Ahhhh! The 3:00 am wake up call about the tuna taste absolutely SLAYED me!! I did the ugly face laugh again, like the poop story!
Thanks! I so needed that laugh today!

Sissy said...

I can't believe you were so viciously attacked by that Bee. I use a capital B because that Bee had moxy. Had some nerve. To sting you THREE times.

I guess you know though, that most bees die after they sting you? Or maybe I just heard that on TV. Maybe that will give you some comfort.

emily said...

Sissy told me about you today and I think I've been here before but now I'm in love. I mean, you are hilarious girl. Can't wait to read more.

Evi said...

I have a great scrapbooking tool I use for that...oh shucks...I forgot (teehee)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

My backscratcher is my best friend. I even took it camping with us last weekend.