Mar 6, 2008

I'm Raising a Redneck Woman. Jeepers Peepers. And Two Days Until.

So I am now creating my posts every night before I go to bed so that the couple thousand who read my blog can enjoy it every morning over their hot coffee and Danish. Or bowl of chili (which is what I had this morning.) Which also means that by day's end I usually have more than enough to write about, vent about, you name it.

Today was no exception.
Let's see. Where do I begin?

Ah yes, my child is a heathen. Or as her Wednesday night teachers call her "a scrapper." And just so we're all on the same page, "scrapper" is another word for "bully." I go to pick her up from her Wednesday night class at church only to find that she's taken out 3 kids, spent some time in the "time-out" chair, knocked a boy over the head with her sippy cup, and well, I'm embarrassed so I'll stop here. I know what everyone is thinking so I'll go ahead and say it out loud. I figure people must think that "since the Radke's waited so long for this baby girl she is probably the most spoiled thing on the planet." But people, this not be so. Not even a little so.
We've done the stand in the corner thing. She picks her nose.
We've placed her in her bed, alone, as a time out spot. She sees no problem with this.
We carry spanking spoons in my purse, her diaper bag, the car, any jacket pocket that is empty and one sits on the middle coffee table at our home. She cries for 3 seconds and then asks me to turn on the "T.D."
I'm runnin' out of options people!
She's actually a good kid. A really smart kid. And full of personality. I see her as Jesus does and we both think she just has a certain, redneck charm.

So a friend of mine drives by my house today to leave a book for me in my mailbox. I went to get my mail around 7pm tonight and was surprised to see it in there. And as I'm thumbing through the book I can't help but think to myself, "I wonder what time Christine drove by today...hmmmm...wonder if she could see through my windows?"
Because if she could see through my windows, here is what she saw.

7am: Plopped down in front of the Today show.
9am: Can't find anything for breakfast so I eat last night's leftover chili. Spill half of it down my nightgown. Watch the Golden Girls.
9:30am: Chase Remi with spanking spoon. Part 1.
11:15am: Play chase with Remi around the kitchen table. Circle the kitchen table 14 times. Count it as today's exercise.
12:45pm: Tell Remi it's nap time. Chase Remi with spanking spoon. Part 2.
1:30pm: Pace back and forth while on the phone. With dad. With April. With Kelli. With David. With mom. With David again. Still in nightgown.
3:15pm: Finally have a moment to shower my dirty self.
3:18pm: Hear someone yelling "maaaaammmmmaaaa" at the top of their lungs. Walk back in front of windows, nightgown still glued to my dirty self.
4:00pm: Sit Remi in front of "Pooh" while I turn on the shower. "Yes, you will sit right there while I take a shower." Chase Remi with spanking spoon. Part 3.
4:45pm: Walk casually back and forth, back and forth, back and forth right in front of my windows...Remi is watching "Pooh," my flat-iron is heating up, make myself a tall glass of tea and all seems well with the world. Let's hope Christine is not putting book in mailbox at this moment. Cuz...yep...that'll make you put some clothes on.


Ashley said...

Awww... and Eliza was not there to get in on the action. Because a girl with 3 brothers knows how to handle "a scrapper".

It is the age... you have to figure out what works..what "speaks" to her.

And...chili for breakfast... no wonder you know every bathroom between here and Cool Springs...he he he!

CEU said...

Melissa, you are too funny. I promise that I didn't see a thing. I also promise that I'll be driving a little slower next time and if you see me hanging my neck out the window.... Well, that's because I am craning it a little further as not to miss anything.

I am proud to be your friend. Ya know, the above "blogger" actually referred to me by my "title" from work on her blog. So much for that shout out.

So, friend, enjoy your book, enjoy the beach, enjoy that bundle of joy. Tell her that we miss her! I hope you are inspired to write for the masses, because you make us laugh-hard.

Anonymous said...

Remi is precious. We love her on Wednesday nights! Some day you/everyone ;) will really be able to appreciate that she is a determined, independent, strong-willed, intelligent little girl. Isn't that what we want for our children anyway? She'll learn to balance it all! She has a pretty good match for her personality on Wednesdays! Hmmmm...not naming any cute other, cute, fiesty girl! ;)

Skunkle Dave said...

So what's wrong with picking your nose while you're in the corner