I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing and who I was with.
It was last August around 10pm. I was sitting with David in our living room and in my Vestal chair, of course, when I began to cry. And I wasn't just crying to David, I was crying out to God, right there in front of David. I know sometimes when our feelings - our desperation - begins to show and we feel the need to get really serious with God, that we can become embarrassed and private, even in front of our spouses. But not this time! David knew my heart, so I felt I could be real in front of him.
So right there, in my Vestal chair, my tears began to fall. One, then two, three, four, and before you knew it tears were rolling down my face and filling up my heart.
"David, I can't do this. I cannot live like this. Not one day. Certainly not for 6 months."
"Yes you can, Melissa. Millions of people have to do this. You can too."
"No I can't David. I am not that strong."
"Melissa, you've beaten a lot worse things than this."
"Which is exactly why I don't want to have to struggle with this. I am tired. And weak."
And then I did the strangest thing. I actually got up out of my Vestal chair and found another place of peace. On my knees. And right there I knelt and told God everything I held inside my heart.
Why? I know I have asked you that a million times before and you have never once answered me I don't think, but this time please consider it. I need guidance here. I need direction and insight. There are things I don't understand.
Why does Jack want to go back to the island?
Why is Kate driving a Volvo?
Who is buried in a predominately African-American neighborhood?
What is going on?
Only you know God. You and J.J. Abrams and he hasn't returned any of my letters or emails. (Except that one from his office that requested I withhold any further contact.) So you are my only hope. I'm counting on you. Can I do that? Because I'll be honest with you. I can't wait 6 months to find out who is left on the island. If Claire got in the helicopter. And if Charlies is really dead. I cannot wait 6 months to find out why Jack wants to go back so badly to the island and who Kate is afraid of. I can't. Not on my own. I need your help.
And you know what? God sustains. He really does. He helped me fill my time with things like Thanksgiving, Christmas, potty-training, and wiping up tee-tee from off of my wood floors when potty-training doesn't work. He gave me friends and new friends. He refreshed my soul with Mexican food and Maggiano's. He allowed me to change my hair color and provided the growth and transformation of Katie Holmes right before my very eyes. He had Hollywood produce things to take my mind off of it, like The Kingdom and 27 Dresses. Certainly Satan tried to thwart His plans, tried to get me off track with things like National Treasure II or no Golden Globes. But I held up! I was strong!
And God sustained.
Now Lost is back. And I once again can truly sing, "I once was Lost but now am found...was blind but now I see" without wanting to rend my garments.
It's back. I can breathe again. Finally. Lost................it's back.
*Disclaimer: For those of you who read today's entry and find it less than amusing for fear of insincerity or sacrilege. Let me assure you, all of the above is true. And I know God. And He always like a good laugh. Always.