Jul 25, 2011

I Like My Bralettes With A Side of Texas Toast.


Here, I provided a link for you.....because I'm really accessible like that.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-look/everyday-style/staticslideshowinstyle.aspx?cp-documentid=29457591&gt1=32002

Go to it. Go to it and read what made InStyle magazines
Top Bras of 2011.


Go ahead and read it. I'll wait.

Did you read it? Did you notice that there were a lot of great bras that look really good worn under Gap t-shirts? Because as you know, nothing says "Middle-aged-mom-of-two" like a form fitting see through t-shirt from Gap. For pete's sake.

Oh, and also one was called a Bralette. Ummmm, girls like me don't wear "bralettes" - and not because it sounds like a vegetable that tastes better when fried ("oh yeah, I'd love some bralettes. Do you have ranch to dip them in?") - but because Bralettes don't work for any and all girls that have graduated from 8th grade.


So now, on to my list. Oh no, don't worry, I'm not coming up with a list of The Best Bras of 2011A. Nope. Been done. I'm doing my very own...

Melissa's Top Five Worst Bra's of All Time

working title: Melissa's Top Five Worst Bra Moments and if You've Had Them Too,

I'm Sorry.

(Here they are in no particular order):

1. If your Granny tells you she wants to take you bra shopping....and you let her....I'm sorry. If she proceeds to take you to one store....in Diboll....I'm sorry. If there is not a bra within a fifty mile radius that has less than six hooks on the back.....I'm sorry. If the only way the store owner can gage your size is by cupping your bosoms and yelling out, "We're gonna need that box in the back!" I'm truly, very sorry.


2. Do not watch infomercials on Sunday afternoons. You know you're tired. But you will be easily swayed by the bright lights and all the women smiling and their super white teeth. And then you will go and get your credit card - just like the robot they have brainwashed you into being. And then you will order what they're offering. A buy 3 for $20 special on Aah Bra's. And from the moment you put them on you will regret that $20 because you could have easily spent $8.99 on mosquito netting and produced the same results. But you still wear them. Only you have to wear all three of them at once. The ladies with the really shiny teeth never had to do that.


3. If it is your birthday and you're mother hands you a check for $50 and says, "Take this check and cash it. Put the money in your purse. Don't pull in to a movie theatre or a Chik-fil-A, do you hear me? Put the money in your purse. Drive straight to Dillards and buy you a bra. A real bra. For big boobs. Because you aren't kidding anyone. Find one that fits and that doens't embarrass your daddy. And then wear it. Day and night. Happy Birthday." Just save yourself the heartache and do it.


4. If your search for a new bra gives you three "Are You Sure's" then chances are you are barking up the wrong tree. Case in point: I bought a beautiful new summer outfit that I just loved and I wanted to wear it to a special event. I tried it on for Meridith who asked what bra I would be wearing. I told her it would only work with a strapless bra, she replied, "Strapless? Are you sure?" Later that evening I tried it on for the Attorney General. He did a once over and said,

"Are you wearing a..."

"No, because I need to go buy a strapless one."

"For who? For you? A strapless? Are you sure?"

Upon entering the store I asked the saleslady to direct me right to the strapless bra area. She mentioned that they had a new line of underwires in; they were in my size and had been made from prison wire from the gates of Alcatraz no doubt. I reminded her I was there for strapless.......she simply asked, "Are you sure?" Turns out strapless bras don't keep me in the game, ifyouknowwhatImean. And yes, I'm sure.


5. It is Christmas. You are at a party. In fact, you are about to sing at said party. Your cousin, who shall remain nameless (MERIDITH!) asks you, "What bra are you wearing?" You know there is likely to be trouble.

"Why?"

"Because I can see right through your shirt and I'm pretty sure I see..."

"I have on a bra. In fact, I have on a cami over it."

"Let me see."

"No."

"Yes."

"Fine." I raise my shirt.

"I can see through this, Melissa! You can't go out there like this."

"But I have on a cami..."

"That I can see through."

"And I'm wearing that over my bra..."

"Which I can see through."

"And I'm wearing my bra over those three..."
"Not the infomercial bras. Enough with those. Throw those away! So you have on three Aah Bra's, a normal bra and a cami? Did you have nothing else?"

"I had a strapless."

"YOU have a strapless? Are you sure?"

Uuugghh.

"I don't understand how I can still see through all FIVE layers, Melissa. Where is the good bra your mom bought you for your birthday?"

"I drove past a Chik-fil-A."


244 comments:

1 – 200 of 244   Newer›   Newest»
Katrina said...

I can definitely identify. I am pretty sure I remember spending my birthday money in Cacique last year looking for a miracle.

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh Melissa. This was hilarious, and I'm sorry.

Now let me make a prediction. My Crazy Sister will comment, and direct you here:

http://grazeifyouwanttobutdonteatdirt.blogspot.com/2009/05/thankyou-for-purchasing-bonds-bralette.html

votemom said...

thank you for making me laugh this morning. a good start to my monday!

Amanda said...

Oh, the Aah Bra. My mom just told me about LOVING this bra. She even lifted the shirt to show me. I then mentioned that her boobs are supposed to be between her shoulder and elbow, not by her belly button. But she swears she loves it.

My new found bra love is Lane Bryant's Balconette bra. So far it's pretty amazing. "It lifts and separates!" :) http://www.lanebryant.com/catalog/search.cmd?form_state=searchForm&keyword=%2Bbalconette&originatingPage=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lanebryant.com%2F&size=&style=balconette&x=29&y=9

I also love the Are You Sure? part. that's precious. :)

Rachel said...

I can so relate to your bra woes! I only buy Cacique now and they just stopped selling my favorite one. I have a few left in my stock pile hidden away where no one else will ever find them but once their elastic dies (and we know it will) I will have to mourn and move on, find another compatible bra. I am not happy.

Brandi said...

You need to post EVERY DAY! You crack me up...and I so look forward to your next post.

I tried on an Aah Bra that my MIL bought...Yes, mosquito netting...I couldn't believe this was the same thing they were wearing on TV! Why couldn't you see through theirs?

Thanks for the laugh!

lil red hen said...

Your blog is the most entertaining I've ever come to! Just couldn't stop reading!

Crazy Sister said...

Yes, as mentioned by my sister up above, I am still sadly in the Bralette stage.

Where's the justice in the world? Why can't you and I combine what we've got and average it out?

Hilarious post, by the way!

Michelle said...

Oh my goodness! THAT was an amazing post. Thank you for the laugh!!!

knownbyname said...

I'm not 100% sure, but I have this sneaking suspicion that we were twins separated at birth.

Why is it you live so far away from the Pacific NW? We need to find a Starbucks and drown our sorrows and discuss the Bra Wars, girlfriend.

Gosh - I love you and I don't even know you - except I really do.

Dang - I don't even know how I found your blog this morning but I'm hooked - sorry - probably shouldn't have used that word when Bras are on the line... anyway. I'm subbed. Thanks for the laugh(s)! :)

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Melissa said...

I'm with Kat. I just opened a charge at Lane Bryant for Cacique and they really make my girls look bought. Just sayin'. I love it when someone says, "Are those real?"
Well, I will love it when someone says that......:)

Anonymous said...

where are you? why are you missing from your blog? i miss you! jamie in michigan

Leigh said...

AMEN! You had me laughing out loud...I swear we must be bra-shopping soul-mates!

Only prayer and baling wire are keeping these puppies in.

And yes, I AM sure!

The Hultman's said...

Sure miss your blog!

Leighann said...

Have you retired from blogging? Just checkin'; no pressure. :)

martha said...

Just tell us you are alive, dear girl. And how we can pray for you.

Molly said...

I miss your blog! Hope everything is well in your world and that maybe in the new year you'll be back! :) Would love to read more from you!

Theda said...

Missing you, precious one. Please come back!!!!!! I will have to resort to re-reading your old posts for now. Praying for you and Merry Christmas!!

Hillary in Colorado said...

I miss your posts. I check it often and every time I pray for you.

Molly said...

I still miss you...

BushBabeUK said...

Randomly found your blog today - 1st May 2012 and I LOVE IT! keep it going!!

Tola.

Amy said...

Where are you Melissa??? Why have you stopped blogging?? Kinda worried about you!

Bex said...

OMFG you had me laughing my arse off on this one. I HATE BRAS almost as much as I HATE BRA SHOPPING. But unfortunately between letting 2 kids breast feed and a recent 50lb weight loss, GRAVITY is NOT my friend!

Karen Carter said...

I keep checking in and am so worried about my cyber friend. I hope all is well and wanted you to know you are not forgotten and greatly missed!

Stretch Marks said...

This is hilarious you know makes my day a good start of reading. :)

martha said...

Still missing you.

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