Mar 28, 2011

Men are from Tuscon, Women are from Jersey.

I'm not really sure how men work.

In fact, men seemed to have really raked in the dough over the years publishing everything from books to videos to movies to cartoon strips about how hard women are to figure out. They're no piece of cake, themselves!

That's why the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus makes reference to the fact that men are from Mars. If men were relatively easy to figure out and completely simple to understand then the book would be called Men are from Idaho, Women are from Venus. Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

This weekend was "spring cleaning" weekend. Or at least it was to me. I bet if you had asked the Attorney General on Friday morning, "Hey, Attorney General, what do you think your weekend will be termed?" He would have said, "I think it will be called college-basketball-and- driving-range-weekend." And we would have laughed and laughed. He would have been laughing at how fun his weekend sounded and how it would look cute on a bumper sticker and I would have been laughing at how simple-minded he looked when he was optimistic.

I once heard that anger is what comes when you have unmet expectations. If that definition is true then it would reason that if he spent all weekend driving golf balls into the abyss I was going to guessed it....angry. So I had to come up with a plan, and fast. I needed the man to work this weekend. And not just because it was a wonderful weekend to do all the spring weeding and trimming and mowing and mulching. But also because I had to do all the inside stuff and I'll be darned if I was going to do it while he screamed at Kansas and UConn.

So here are six easy steps to get your man (husband, boyfriend, fiance, any other type of man and your on your own) to do what you need them to do:

1. Make sure that on the Friday before they are met with some unexpected surprises. I started by taking him to lunch on Friday. (And even though my Granny and my mom showed up at the exact same restaurant at the exact same time and even though they waved at us and had the waiter seat them at our table, I was not undeterred. It just meant I had to come up with extra bonuses later in the day.)

2. At some point in the course of the meal he will ask you about money. Its inevitable. Whatever the question is act as if the last thing on earth you want to do is spend more money. "No, I don't want to go shoe shopping. Who has time for that right now?" "Please don't take my car in to be fixed, I'm sick of spilling money into that thing." "Yes, I'm running a fever, but you're crazy if you think I'm giving more money to the medical industry."

3. Arrange a sitter for Friday night and let him pick the movie. Yes, Jane Eyre is playing but tonight he gets to choose. Besides, its only 2 hours of your life. Surely you can watch a bunch of cars explode and a bunch of people die for 2 hours of your life. Surely.

4. If I have to explain number what to do for him at the number four mark then you need to stop reading this altogether and take a long look in the mirror. And be ashamed.

5. Friday night, as your just about to roll over, kiss him goodnight and rather quickly say, "Thank you for being willing to help me get all of the things done around the house tomorrow that we need to get done. Night." He won't know what your talking about but he will momentarily be proud of himself for being so willing.

6. Here is our sixth and final step. Saturday morning when you start to lay out the days plans, "I'm going to start cleaning out closets in here while you start weeding that flower bed right there..." be prepared for some opposition. And when it comes at you, and it will, you can make it all go away with this one little sentence: "That's fine, if you don't want to do it, I get it! But just keep the kids out of my way while I work, okay? Keep them with you."

I worked steps 1 through 5 like a pro this weekend. But I won't lie, step 6 got me fresh mulch, weeds trimmed, new flowerbeds AND a barbecue dinner.

I don't know why men say they can't figure us out.


Sissy said...

I love number 4. Made me laugh out loud.

Jessica said...

If I was to do this for my husband, and get all the way to number 6, he'd say "okay" and turn on his boxing game on the XBox, with the kids all in the living room. For that moment. :) He isn't easily deterred... and I have a lot of weed eating that needs to be done!!

Rachel said...

Love it!

Kat said...

I just can't get past being jealous that it is "spring" time for you! The thermostat right at this moment here in Michigan is 24. Gross.

But, I am filing away this info for next month, oh yes I am, dearie.

Thanks you for this PSA! :)

Molly said...

Where is Melissa?? I miss reading your blog!!! Having withdrawals!

martha said...

Puleeez, dear lady: WRITE A BOOK! You are so funny!

votemom said...

we're coming up on a month again. please show yourself!

Theda said...

ok - seriously missing you... Hope all is well!!

Let us hear from you soon!! plz!!

Karen Carter said...

Three weeks? Was thinking about you and hoping everything is ok! Miss your humor and joy. Hugs Karen~

ugagirl30 said...

Girl, are you boycotting blogger? We need laughs and are suffering b/c you are withholding your funny stories. So now what do we do? Puhleeze don't make me resort to turning to people in my household to make me laugh!! Miss you!

sara said...

so i am definately missing your insights into life. your sense of humor reminds me of janet evanovich books (without the cars blowing up and murders to solve, but your grandma sounds just like the one in the books). hope all is well for you and your family. and hope that you start blogging again soon!

zubizup said...

Turkis Underwears
please look:)

Yoncatoptan said...

Turkis Underwears
please look:)

Michaela Pate said...

Missing you and praying for you. I still click back every couple of days hoping we will hear from you.

Theda said...

me too... praying for you.