Mar 1, 2011

Fantasy Shmantasy. (My late, but imminently awaited Bachelor Recap)

There is so much I want to say about The Bachelor. But first I have to say this....

* Spoiler alert. Stop reading now if you don't want to know what my cousin Meridith told me that her best friend April told her that she heard Kid Kraddick say on the radio that someone told him. Because trust me, its probably 4% reliable. *

Emily's house is up for sale in Charlotte, NC and Reality Steve (the moron!) has changed his prediction! Can you believe it??

So everyone...
My house!
Two weeks from now!
Wear your Team Emily shirt!
Bring cheese dip!

Okay, enough of that right now...back to Monday nights episode.

So The Dentist went home. Anyone surprised by this?

Anyone surprised that a man who runs a business in Austin and is approaching the age of 38 didn't choose the 26 year old dentist-to-be from Pittsburgh who when asked where she would like to live mentioned fifteen cities without ever uttering the word "Austin."

Yeah, me neither.

Of course I do have some questions about this last episode. Here they are, in no special order:

When you go on The Bachelor that has to mean you've watched it before, right? In fact, you've probably watched it 2 or 3 times. Otherwise you're probably a little miffed that no one has been fired yet or no one has had you spin that giant wheel and win a Pontiac. So why then do they still seemed surprised when he hands them a card with a hotel room key inside of it. Why? When will there be a season with a woman who, for once, is handed the card and before she even reads it says, "Look babe, I know what this is. So let's get the check, call a cab, get that thing out from between your teeth and get the heck outta Dodge." When?

When it is down to the final three women and he has to take each of them to a "fantasy suite" how does he choose which one gets the tree house? Is it the one who in her bio wrote, "I love the outdoors. I have a tree in my backyard. I love to be naked." Is that how they narrow that down?

If a tree falls in the forest do you hear it? And when you spend the night in a tree house how do you flush?

When you are a cameraman and you hear The Bachelor say that he is ready for a family and a 5 year old. That he would consider it an honor to help raise that child and that he would always be a protector for her. And then he tells that child's mother that he is falling in love with her, do you just look at the other cameramen and say, "Let's just call it a day, shall we? I think we have a winner."

When a man tells you to "Wait right here for one minute..." while you are standing in the middle of the South African jungle do you really stand that still and quiet? Because once the AG told me to wait for him by the car while he ran back in for the keys and I screamed four times at the mosquitoes and I pounded the car in anger till he got back.

So when you are on a date with a woman and you are telling her your feelings and all she is doing is cutting up her meat like she's recently been on a 40 day fast, and when you are telling her how much she means to you and her reply is "mmmm...this is really delicious" you can bet on one of two things:
1. She's just not that into you or
2. You are on a date with me.

Until next week when The Women Tell All!

5 comments:

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I loved that fact that the Dentist was SOOOOO disinterested during dinner, but then when he says he has to say goodbye to her, she's "surprised"... seriously lady??

Amy said...

Yeah, that whole date with the dentist was awkward. She seemed to not be able to care any less. I have loved Emily from day one but I told you several times I didnt think she would win..the good girl rarely does. I really, really hope she does!

Andrea said...

Oh how I love your humor. I agree about waiting for the elephant. I would have been throwing a fit by the time he got back. Probably why he chose Emily for that one ;)

I'm also very happy to hear about this house on the market and Reality Sleeze..er ah Steve changing his "prediction" (I thought he KNEW the outcome?) There. Is. Hope.

Andrea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelly said...

I came across Reality Steve last week and has been stressing about that and have even watched some of episodes over again to find what I missed with Shantel. I read his "change of prediction" yesterday and was relieved but vowed I will never read another spoiler.

You are hilarious. I LOL through this whole recap.

My first thought when I saw that tree house is where is the bathroom? Still wondering about that one.

The "I'm falling in love with you too" from Brad is against the rules of the show. But I just squealed.

I soooo need a life. LOL