Jan 11, 2011

Mazel Tov! (A Bachelor Recap)

I watched last nights Bachelor with some friends. Its a good thing we're not drinkin' buddies or we would just now be waking up wondering where our keys were.

Mainly because never before in the history of the series has one word been uttered so much: birthday.

Which is ironic to me since every single week they tell us that this is "the most shocking Bachelor ever" or "nothing compares to what you see here tonight" or "for the first time we are allowing cameras in to the hot air balloon" - and then last night, they actually could have said "for the first time in the Bachelor series will you hear a word used more often and in more rapid pace than ever before. Call your friends and family and gather around the television because this, America, is about to get real." But they didn't!

Because last night was Michelle's birthday and she mentioned it some 466 times. Whereupon my friends and I decided that we should drink every time she said the word...
"Today is my birthday..." "Mazel Tov!" (gulp)
"I can't believe I'm sharing him on my birthday..." "Mazel Tov!" (gulp)
"He's the only thing I want for my birthday..." "Mazel Tov!" (gulp)

Later we each had to take, like, twelve bathroom breaks but it was totally worth it because I had made my Church-Friendly Sangria and so even though we weren't doing anything wrong its kinda nice to feel like you are. Especially when your watching The Bachelor in your sweats, with your hair pulled back in a headband and no bra - while 20 women parade around in bikinis and enjoy private carnivals thrown in their honor.

Personally, I thought Brad made some pretty good decisions last night. He sent home Rachel and Melissa who fought more with each other than anything else. (Dear Producer, when a girl uses the overused phrase "I can't believe I'm crying, I never cry" - keep the cameras on her because she is going to be a faucet that no man can turn off.)

He also sent home Kelty which seems about right considering her past dating experience. She told the camera that "dating at work has never, ever worked out." (Dear Kelty, the reason dating at work is not working for you is because you are a Rockette; so its either because they are women or they are gay. I just feel like I shouldn't have had to point that out to you.)

His one on one dates were with Jackie and the dentist. I'm not sure what the dentists name is, we just call her 'the dentist', and you can spot her coming a mile away because her teeth are so white. He took her to a carnival and not once did I spot funnel cake all between her teeth, which means dentists' obviously know something we don't. (Of course she's a size 0, so what she probably knows is: don't eat funnel cakes. Whatevs.) And the last date went to Jackie who we felt like had just escaped from the musical cast of Glee. Meridith felt like at any moment she was going to bust out in "Don't' Stop Believin'" - which we agreed, would have rocked!

So there's my Bachelor Recap. And here's my Church Friendly Sangria. And by "church-friendly" I don't mean to take it to the next potluck. No one wants Sangria with their fried chicken and lasagna. So save it for the next time a group of girls get together for The Bachelor or................its your birthday! Mazel Tov! (gulp)

1 apple juice concentrate
1 limeade concentrate
1 white grape concentrate
1 cranberry concentrate
2 2-liters of DIET Sprite or 7-UP (has to be diet, I don't know why)
Mix together and then throw in one bag of frozen, mixed berries and thin slices of an orange - so it looks like you're fancy and you actually care.
Then viola'!


Andrea Frederick said...

I read your thoughts and THEN I watch the Bachelor...it makes things much funnier for me! I will not do this when it gets closer to who he will pick, but it's very entertaining now. Thanks for entertaining me!

Andrea said...

Just found your blog. You had me at "The Bachelor" :) Look forward to reading some bac blogs and following you!