Jan 25, 2011

Black and Blue and Nuts All Over. (Bachelor Recap)

Oh, for pete's sake.

Do I really have to recap this episode?

"Of course you do, Melissa. We hang on every word. You are the reason that ABC has had a network re surge. If not you, who?"

I hear ya. I hear ya. But even your kind words cannot kindle a flame inside of me for this particular episode. Last nights episode of The Bachelor was that episode where every girl says the same thing, every girl cries the same cry and every speech he gives is the same speech he just gave.

*Note to all the naysayers who say things like, "You're just no noticing this, Melissa? I knew this and I've only seen one episode and I watched it while changing my pantyhose on a flight to Denver." They are NOT all the same. On some shows girls get in catfights. On some shows you can tell there is really nothing but complete awkwardness between him and his date (I l-o-v-e those). And sometimes, if we're really lucky, a girl leaves without being asked and everyone is in shock and awe and we at home have to pause our DVR and refill our Dr. Pepper glasses and ask what went wrong. So there.

But none of that was the case on last night's show. So I'm going to make this short and sweet. Hang on.

He went on a date with Her-Dad-Owns-A-Car-Lot. It went well. He said he felt like he had known her forever. They made out. She's in love.

He went on a group date. Dr. Drew was there. Dr. Drew should have stayed longer, because group dates are nothing but nests' of crazy. The Dentist Cried and made a scene. Bachelor fell for it by reassuring her with forehead kisses, but then got kinda mad at her; chose to give rose to Food Critic who desperately needs a haircut.

30th Birthday finally got her alone date because the producers of the show couldn't stand to listen to her whine another minute. She woke up with a black eye because one of her split personalities decided to try and kill her. Unfortunately, they lost. 30th Birthday and The Bachelor repelled off a roof which has now bonded them for life. He said he could imagine a life with her and her daughter. They made out. She's in love.

The cocktail party went fine until he surprised Emily with a picnic basket in front of all the other women. That's because Emily is precious and doesn't beat herself up in her sleep. All the other girls went loco and decided that openly crying seemed to be the best way to handle the situation.

He ended up sending home three women who were commonly referred to as She-Looks-Like-Amy-Adams, Ugly-Pink-Shoes and Bartender. Strangely, these were three women who didn't openly cry over Emily's picnic basket. Leading me to believe he appreciates a woman who cries in public and openly demonstrates aggressive behavior. (Thank God I didn't meet him in my 20's, we'd be married today.)

The night ended with a champagne toast and his vow that those women were there because he truly wanted to get to know them better. Until next week. When he sends home three more, who mark my words will be My-Bootie-Isn't-Petite-Enough, Dorothy From Oz and Sportscaster. Unless he repels down a building with them, then its anybodies guess.

Predictions anyone?


Amanda said...

Please don't stop recapping The Bachelor. You are the reason I watch it now. No one I know likes watching it (or will admit that they watch it), so your recaps are like my way of getting in my girly-friend time during the show (I watch it on Tuesday afternoons on Hulu and I find myself wondering how you reacted to that or what you would have said to this)
I predict he'll pick Emily in the end. It's more like a "I WANT HIM TO PICK HER" than it is an actual prediction. She's the only sweet one (though, will her 'true colors' come out later in the season in the Mosh Shocking Bachelor Ever?) :)

Vickie said...

I have no predictions, Melissa, but I was beating myself up last night cuz I couldn't believe I was watching that crap again this week. I wound up with stitches in my lip...They all make me punch myself in the stomach, but then I heal up in time to watch the next week's episode.

He DID cover his butt last night. He will WALK again if he doesn't meet Miss RIGHT...

Crazy Me said...

I don't even watch this show and I LOVE your recaps! Although, really how did she get the black eye? In her sleep???

Desha said...

If I hear "I just can't stand to watch you kiss/date/connect with other women" one more time, I might give myself a black eye! Hello ladies, its called THE BACHELOR and that is kinda THE POINT. I fast forwarded through all of his kissing scenes with Michelle. I had just eaten and it was making me sick.

I think he will choose Chantel O. I love Emily, but she is really too good for him. The next Bachelorette maybe?

Cari said...

I knew this would be good just by reading your title!!! Hilarious!!! "Strangely, these were three women who didn't openly cry over Emily's picnic basket. Leading me to believe he appreciates a woman who cries in public and openly demonstrates aggressive behavior. (Thank God I didn't meet him in my 20's, we'd be married today.)" I seriously laughed so hard I accidentally gave myself a black eye....No seriously this recap was great! Thanks for making me laugh after getting the call from our accountant with the news of how much we have to pay the IRS this year. I needed it :)

Amy said...

I promise you that 2 of those women who got sent home I have never seen! I was like "who is that?"

I think its just a matter of time until Michelle lets her crazy run loose in front of him and she WILL go home.

I love Emily. Emily SHOULD win but again, I dont think she will.

Amanda said...

Okay, so I've watched the first half so far, and please remind me what the name of the show is...is it The Bachelor, or is it THE FREAKIN' MICHELLE SHOW??? Really, do any other girls ever have interviews with the cameras? We never see anyone but Michelle. This is really annoying.

Sorry, I'll stop clogging up your inbox now. :)

Soliloquy said...

I read your post.

I walked away.

I took pause.

Because..... Wait, did she say Dr. Pepper?

Did you say Dr. Pepper??

Does Daniel know?

Dysfunctional Mom said...

So THAT'S how that crazy beast got that black eye! She is bat poop crazy.

Andi said...

I have never watched the Bachelor. However, your recaps crack me up. Crack. Me. Up...