Apr 30, 2010

An Open Letter To Walgreens.

Dear Walgreens,

I have much to say to you. Much.

First of all I would like to start by saying that somewhere along the way - probably in some executive meeting with a bunch of fussy "suits" - Target made a play for the suburban housewife. And won. I cannot lie. Target rocks. But you, Walgreens have nothing to be ashamed of.

So I would like to take a moment and tell you why it is I Iove you, little Walgreens.

I love you because you take the edge off of having a sick kid at home. It's true. Just last month one of mine was at home throwing up and my husband and I actually fought over which one of us got to go to Walgreens and pick up the goods. Maybe its because we know we can fill both a prescription and our People magazine addiction all at the same place - or maybe its because the local Walgreens pharmacist takes 13 1/2 hours to fill a prescription so we know we'll be out of the house longer - but either way you make having a sick kid fun again! Thanks.

I love you because there are very few places I can get both an enema and some concealer. And let's be honest, that's impressive. It's also pretty nice when you're short on time; "What honey? You need me to pick up some colon cleanse? And what Junior? You need some play-doh? Well, guess where I'm going?" See? It's all right there. That's nifty.

And don't even get me started on all that make-up. It's a thrifty woman's paradise. Now I will admit, once we reach a certain age there is probably more that Estee Lauder can do for us than Mr. Max Factor, but its nice to know that if I do decide to line my eyes in fuchsia or dab a little Extreme Shine High Gloss Diamonds in Pearlescant That Lasts 15 Hours I can do so for under $7.99 right there on aisle 2.

Thank you for having that big magazine section. And thank you for putting those magazines right next to paperback books that we might never think of buying otherwise, like "101 Pills that Could Make You Pregnant" or "My Mother's Nightmare: How an Ohio Housewife was Held Captive by a Girl Scout". They are just the cheap, sordid trash that I would never wander into a Barnes and Noble and buy. Yet, I will stash them under my Weight Watchers and Paula Dean Cooks magazines so that no one is the wiser.

God bless you Walgreens for that humongous candy aisle you have. And thank you, too, for always stocking it full of the leftover holiday candy that never made it home with anyone. I am glad to help! Thank you for being open on Friday nights so that the Attorney General can take me there and say, "If we're going to a movie then load up here cause I ain't payin' $7 for some Skittles." Thank you for carrying Reese's in several different size bags on the up chance that my addiction is not as strong on a Thursday as it is on a Monday.

I love that you have that one aisle that is nothing but cheap toys so I can say, "Go to the toy aisle while mommy shops. And don't talk to that one eyed man holding the parakeet." And I know that no matter what they bring to me, profess their love for, and say that they just haaaavveee to have it won't cost over $5.

I am only going to say this once: As Seen On T.V. You got 'em, I need 'em. Since discovering your As Seen On T.V. products I have pulled the toxins from my feet, clipped my dogs toenails with exact precision and made the perfect brownies! Where would I be without you, Walgreens? Full of deadly poisons and a smaller size, sure. But where would my dog be? Probably biting his own nails.

See? I could go on and on, Walgreens. You never cease to amaze me. Just this morning I bought the 100 Most Beautiful People edition, a shirt that says That's What She Says for my one year old, some duct tape and a Barry Manilow CD. Where else can you do that? No where. That's where.

So this is my letter to let you know that although you don't have that fancy Bullseye symbol and you don't have a clothing line that comes in really hip, cool colors, I am still a fan. And I will be loyal to you until the day comes that I don't need toilet paper, Lee press on nails and a Butterfinger - all at the same time. Until then...

I am truly yours,


Kristen said...

Melissa, do you remember how you wore those Lee press on nails to eight grade prom, and how they kept popping off all night long? I do.

Unknown said...

Hahaha...love this! I feel the same way about Walgreens...and was just there today!

Maurie said...

You always make me laugh. A hearty thank you. :) Maurie @ graciousinteriors.blogspot.com

Cari said...

Ha! I love walgreen's! I will never forget one memorable experience...I am a stay at home Mom and my baby was 3 months old...I hadn't been out of the house since I was 8 months pregnant and was desperate for 20 minutes to myself. My husband came home and I went to Walgreen's around 8:30pm I walked around for over an hour and spent $87 on mylicon drops, toilet paper, nail polish, magazines and candy. After that night walgreen's has had a special place in my heart.

B. said...

I Love walgreens! Spend a lot of time there!

martha said...

Oh sweetie. One more thing. My Walgreens has padded chairs for while your wait while your prescription is being filled. One chair even has an electronic back massage feature. It's so easy to take a stack of the previously mentioned magazines, sit in that chair, set it on "pound", and have a lovely half hour to myself.

P.S. Tomorrow will finally be warm enough (here in IL)
for me to tan beside the local hotel pool. I will delight in each moment, and think of you. When my husband challenges the ethics of my habit, I say that the hotel ought to pay me for beautifying their grounds.

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