Feb 9, 2010

The Bachelor: Hometown Homies.

Tonight Jake went on the four hometown dates. Oh, and there was drama.

I know, right?
On The Bachelor?
But yeah...there was.


Hometown Date #1: New York

With: Gia

Best part of the date: When Gia and Jake were on a boat touring the city of New York and Gia points and says "...that is the Statue of Liberty." It was then that I knew one of those two people should be pushed over board. If, in fact, he did not know the Statue of Liberty when he saw it -then it should be him.

Most cringe inducing part of the date: When Gia's brother Erick told Jake that if he hurt his sister he would track him down and break a few bones. This appeared odd to me because Erick looked like he might weight 82 pounds soaking wet and Jake could easily take him in a bar fight or even a game of ping pong.

One Reason Why I know Gia Is The Next To Go Home: Because her mom...
a.) told Gia that her "intuition" and her "gut" was that this thing with Jake was going to work out and therefore IT WON'T!!
b.) Because her mom tried to read Jake's cards. And men are scared off by anything they can't explain. And when a woman with a Jersey accent begins to read your cards and claims "you're at a crossroads and you're having trouble making up your mind" and she knows you are currently starring on The Bachelor, well, I mean, c'mon, who can explain that?


Hometown Date #2: Somewhere in Massachusetts, I think. Somewhere in New England. The trees were orange, that's all I know.

With: Ali

Best part of the date: When Ali took Jake to her deceased grandmother's house and when they walked inside the grandmother's picture was propped up on the fireplace even though the house was empty. I know that was probably just staging, but still, that was weird. (Oh, and also because I could have almost sworn that I saw that very same woman in an episode of Law and Order:SVU not three weeks ago. I'm just sayin' Ali, you're grandma is alive and well and starring as a repeat offender on SVU.)

Most cringe inducing part of the date: See above description of staging.

One reason why I know Ali is the next to go home: Because Ali was the next to go home. This will be explained in detail below. I know, you're holding you're breath aren't you?


Hometown Date #3: Oregon

With: Tenley

Best part of the date: Tenley's dad. Her sweet dad. Her sweet sweet dad. Who must be wondering how his baby girl ended up on a game show for love and was still sweet enough and man enough to be both gentle and kind, firm and authoritative. That's good folk.

Most cringe inducing part of the date: When Tenley decided to dance for Jake and did so to Pachelbels Canon in D, which a lot of brides walk down the aisle to. Why she didn't just go ahead and bust a move to The Wedding March or the theme from Ice Castles, I don't know.

One reason why I know Tenley will be the next to go home: Hmmm...I don't know that she will. He and Tenley have a sweet thing going, if she would just eat a big bowl of shutty stew about her ex-husband. Sheesh, woman. Drop it already. I realize its a big part of her past, but at some point I expect her to go ahead and ask, "Do you pee with the seat up or down? Because my ex-husband always had it down...and he was mean to me!!!!!!"


Hometown Date #3: Florida

With: Vienna

Best part of the date: I think the best part of this date was when Jake told Vienna's entire family that not any of the women in the house liked Vienna. And not one person at the table looked one bit surprised. This was the best (and worst) part of the date, to me. I mean, seriously, do you want to be married to the woman that makes enemies everywhere she goes? The woman that when you tell her whole family NO ONE in the house liked her - they shake their head up and down while saying, "that doesn't surprise us." Really??

Most cringe inducing part of the date: Hmmm...where do I begin. Maybe it was when Vienna's little dog licked her in the face. Or when Vienna told us her daddy bought her the rock on her finger as a "please don't go off and elope again" ring. Maybe it was when Vienna's dad walked in on Vienna and Jake laying across her bed kissing. Or maybe it was just every single time Vienna's dad talked to Jake while looking through what can only be described as coke bottle glasses (dear Lord, those things were huge.)

One reason why I know Vienna will be the next to go home: I don't think she will. Trust me. She won't. She will be there at the end. And she will still be wearing something low cut. And her hair extensions will still be blowing in the wind. And she will still have that one cross eye and the producers will be like, "Vienna, look over here. No, over here. No, this way Vienna. Look this way. Ahhhhh, never mind."


Most dramatic thing to happen on last nights episode: Ali chooses to go home in fear of losing her job.

Which brings me to the question I asked ever since Ed did the same thing to Jillian the season before...........DID NO ONE GET PERMISSION FROM THEIR BOSS BEFORE SIGNING UP FOR THIS GIG? Or did they just take a long weekend? Is somewhere Ali's boss sitting there going, "I thought Ali was running to Starbucks. Where the heck is she?" I mean, if you signed up for The Bachelor and all you have are three weeks left....then stick. it. out. I mean, for pete's sake, even if you don't get chosen in the end you still signed up for this. AND you get to go to St. Lucia next week. I mean, honestly, isn't that enough? I quit working the accessories counter at Dillard's in 1995 when I found out my girlfriends were going to Tyler shopping for the weekend.

But I don't know that you should ever take work experience from me.

I'm just sayin'.


Katherine said...

Sweet mercy, Melissa! You are a HOOT! I don't watch The Bachelor, but I don't think it can be better than your recaps! "..a big bowl of shutty stew.." is going to keep me laughing for a LONG time. Thanks for the giggles this morning!

Robin M. said...

I don't watch either, but I absolutely love your recaps. Hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh :)

Amy said...

HA! On the very first episode I told my daughter that there is "NO way that Jake will keep Gia". And..he did. I kinda like her but they are NOT right together. I like Ali alot..I THINK she will try to come back to the show. I honestly think it will be Gia and Tenley at the end. Tenley is SO the right choice for Jake. They are PERFECT together! If he doesnt pick her he. should. be. shot.

Bree Shaw said...

Ali was my pick from the very beginning. I did not like seeing her go last night! Your recaps are great! Every single thing you said about Vienna is right on!!!! I thought it would be down to Ali and Tenley. I also think that Ali will be back.... Rumor has it that Vienna is the last one standing. And I don't like that rumor!!!

Lynda said...

LOVE your recaps!

Desha said...

Totally awkward about the dead grandmother thing. I also thought it was funnny that he told Ali that, if it helped, she was not on the line for a rose that night. O gee whiz, I am trying to decide if I leave my job in a time of economic crisis or stay here, and all you can tell me is that I will make it through the night? Thanks.

Your recaps are the thing I look forward to the most about Tuesdays. I know, I'm pathetic.

Vickie said...

Ali's been my favorite since the beginning. She's the most down to earth. Tenley is sweet and seems the most normal from the most normal family, but she's too fresh out of her first marriage. Gia is too exotic and Jake will be beating up guys hitting on her from now on. AND her mom's kookie with those tarot cards. Vienna is bad news & that eye is going to keep pointing more inward as time goes by. Ali will be back! They've got to do something different each year ya know. Even tho it was stupid for her to leave in the first place. I mean, if you really love somebody, who cares about the job? right?

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