A Babysitters Guide To Gaining The Upper Hand.

Dear Babysitter,

Babysitter....Do people still call you that? Or is that a term from the 80's?

In the 80's it was cool to be called a "babysitter", but then some really scary movies came out where the babysitters were always killed off in the first 10 minutes, and then I think everyone wanted to be called something different, like "child care provider" or "caregiver." I once heard someone say "au pair" but the AG giggled becuase it sounded like I was saying "a pair" and I can't have him acting like an 8th grader all the time. So I'm stickin' with babysitter.

Anywhoo...

I would like to write you this letter as a guide. Mind you, it is just suggestions really, but feel free to use it as a guide were you to ever keep my children.

Hint/Suggestion/Rule/Tip #1:

See the little boy with the dimple and the blond hair? His looks are not deceiving. He really is that cute. All the time.

He is sweet and sensitive. If he does something wrong just look at him sternly and tell him "No" in your harshest voice. He will run to you, beg your forgiveness and continue on his merry way.

It really is that simple.

Hint/Suggestion/Rule/Tip #2:

See that little firecracker with the sugary smile, brown bob and huge blue eyes?

Run.

Hint/Suggestion/Rule/Tip #3:

If the little boy climbs anything, pull him down.

If he climbs in to anything, pull him out.

If he climbs on to anyone, pull him off.

Really that is it: pull him down, pull him out, pull him off. You will be doing this all night long. Trust me. All. Night. Long.

Hint/Suggestion/Rule/Tip #4:

If the little girl climbs anything, let her. Chances are she is scheming something and I find it best not to get in her way.

If she climbs in to anything, that's fine. Close the lid tightly and move on.

If she climbs on to anyone then pull them out from under her. Chances are it will be the little boy. But don't be alarmed, he is learning to take good care of himself, I assure you.

Hint/Suggestion/Rule/Tip #5:

When it is time to eat the little boy will eat anything you offer him. He will eat it all. And he will eat it fast. He will eat it cold. And he will eat it hot. He will eat it from your hand or from your plate - doesn't matter. He will even try to eat it as you are placing it in your own mouth, makes him no difference. Then, he will wash it all down with a gallon and a half of milk.

Hint/Suggestion/Rule/Tip #6:

When it is time to eat the little girl will likely tell you, "I'm not hungry and I'm not starving." She is not kidding. She could go 18 days without food. So here's how we get her to eat (and this is tricky, so follow closely). Tell her you are going to give her food to her brother. She will go stark raving mad and promise you that she will eat every bite.

However, the food must not be cold, nor too hot.

It cannot be too cheezy - and yet it has to have cheese on it. For hell hath no fury like a child without some form of cheese on their plate (I think that's in Leviticus).

She will not eat it from your hand. So you must place it on a plate. Preferably one with some kind of animated creature on it.

She drinks from a glass now, not a sippy cup. She will spill the glass 15 times in the course of one meal.

She gets to drink out of a Krazy Straw if she has been good that day. There is a brand new pack in the cabinet; they've never been opened.

She will not only eat slow, there is a good chance it will take her close to 3 hours. If you turn on Scooby Doo while she is eating, prepare for a long weekend.

Hint/Suggestion/Rule/Tip #7

When it is time for the little boy to go to bed just say, "Ok. It's night-night time. Let's go get your blah and go to bed." He will find his blanket and walk with you into his room. Place him in the bed and turn out his light.

Hint/Suggestion/Rule/Tip #8

When it is time for the little girl to go to bed pick up the phone and call me. Place the phone to her ear. Walk away. When the conversation is over she will hand you the phone. She may or may not be crying. Then place her in her bed and turn out her light.

And then, do not, under any circumstances go back in her room. Not for anything or any reason under the sun. Whatever she tells you...it's an untruth. She does not need a sip of water. She does not need to use the bathroom. She does not need her earrings changed out. And she does not need to know whether or not the Christmas tree is doing okay.

And there you have it. That's how you gain the upper hand with my kiddos.

In a nutshell what I've told you is:

• Enjoy him. Lock her in a laundry hamper.


• Feed him the first thing you see when you open the fridge. Pull out my French Cooking for Dummies cookbook for her.


• Lay him in his bed. Call me.

Oh, and one last thing......don't ever, ever say they aren't the cutest things you've ever seen. For that too, will be an untruth.