Oct 26, 2009

An Ode To Natalie...And The Facts of Life.

To all of you who participated in last weeks caption contest, "thank you!" I loved reading all your comments. They were a hoot! And to those of you lazybones (Claudia!!) who decided to send me your captions through Facebook...naughty, naughty, naughty. I can't keep up with Facebook. Don't you know that by now? I don't know what Farmville is or Mafia Wars and I still can't understand why someone would care whether or not you washed your car today or if its hot enough for a snow cone!

So if you missed last Thursday you can catch up with it just below this post.

Here are a few of my thoughts:

Lisa@BlessedWithGrace actually thinks that Rocco would spit something out? Oh, sweet, Lisa. Sweet, naive, Lisa. Don't you know that just yesterday my son put away two cereal bars, a pop-tart, 6 fried corn niblets, an order of okra, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and two pieces of pound cake? At this rate I would be happy if the kid spit something out.

Dear Amber, you are not winning this contest for one reason: Rocco could care less how bad it smells and there is no picture of ME crying.

Whomever Anonymous is that wrote, "but Grandma would let me..." is disqualified due to cheating. Considering Rocco was actually crying because I told him "no" and he was swooped up into Nonie's arms because all she ever tells him is "yes" then I have to assume that Nonie wrote that comment and is therefore disqualified.

Carrie, I'm not gonna lie, I wanted you to win. Mainly because so many wonderful things rhyme with Carrie (hairy, very, evolutionary) but alas I could not name you the winner due to the fact that it seems we completely skipped the stage of strained peas and went right from Enfamil formula to green bean casserole complete with French's fried onions on the top.

Oh, MBush, I cannot begin to tell you how yours made me smile. Especially when I took out the name Aunt Gertie and replaced with all the women in my family who actually DO have whiskers. (It was a long list, indeed)...and they know who they are.

Nicki did not win due to the fact that no one on this earth knows what she is talking about when she refers to "beef wellington" except for me - since I have been her best friend since we were 5. And plus, when I told her what the prize was she said, "that prize stinks" - so she is big loser all the way around.

CrazySister, Remi can't understand why yours is funny. For she not only loves to suck on the lemons that come in her daddy's tea, she also loves to pass them off to her brother. He's not so hip on them, which is why she delights in it so much.

Laura made me smile with her reference to Julio's chips. Thank you, Laura, I think will go and open a bag now. And by the way, Rocco loves them; I am raising my children right.

Oldwomaninashoe@live.com wrote "Remi is being mean to me." Well, ddduuuuuhhhhh....it's a day of the week that ends in "...day", right? Sheesh, if I took a picture of Rocco every time his sister made him cry I would have to change the name of my blog to repetitivepicturesofRocco because that's exactly what it would be. Wanna trade places with me? Some days I'd much rather live in your shoe.

Candice, can I just say we miss you? Of course I can, so here goes: We miss you, sweet babysitter. You were a gem!

Neeki (another great name for rhymes: tiki, pipsqueaky) in my heart of hearts I am praying that is exactly what he was crying about. I truly am.

Connie, you must have misunderstood the game. You were supposed to right what Rocco was crying about - whereas you completely wrote the tag for REMI'S picture. Trust me, friend.

Mama T, you know I have a soft spot for my Rocco, so that's no fair. Of course that face works every time; it is the thing that makes momma's and their sons so special and I will not apologize for it. Of course you should remind me of this someday when he's 16 and my whole house smells like a belch.

Which means that our winner for the contest was none other than Natalie at
Hi, My Name's Mommy...Oh Wait, Natalie! She was the genius who believed Rocco was crying due to my laziness in not wearing my Bump-Its...

"You left the house without your Bump-It? How could you?"

Aaahhh Natalie. Do you know why I loved this so much? Because for a moment it made me think that someone else cares how good my hair looks beside me. But alas I know this is not true. Truth be told, no one cares what my hair looks like. In fact, no one even notices it when I get my roots colored (and yet they sure as heck notice if I don't.) But a mom can dream, can't she?

So in honor of your big win I am now going to bestow on you a classic gift. I have written a poem in your honor. Which is not an easy thing considering you name is Natalie.

Here we go..

An ode to Natalie:

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie true...
What would our dear Stretch Marks be without you?

What if you didn't read or write in
And what if your caption about Bump-Its didn't win?

Would you leave us and pretend we just didn't exist?
Or would you send us a letter, a "cease and desist?"

Maybe you'd go on, as if nothing had happened.
As if you'd never entered a contest for captions.

But my sweet Natalie, you did enter to win.
So you must take the prize! You must take it and then...

You must copy and paste it on your blog as well
So that everyone in blogville knows what the heck...

Is going down here at the Stretch Marks brigade,
And knows that a poem's better than gettin' paid.

And so my sweet Natalie (I shall now call you "Nat")
Rhyming words is hard and I am learning that...

Using your full name is giving me strife
So I shall now refer to you as that girl from Facts of Life.

I hope that's okay - that you'll go with the flow
And that, like me, you preferred her over Tootie or Jo.

I know that I did. Oh, and I hated Mrs. Garrett!
That woman could not act and it was weird she wasn't married.

Although I should tell you I've reminded some of Blair.
I like to think it's because of my hair.

Because let's be honest, the girl could be a bit much,
And just like me *sigh* she used her beauty as a crutch.

And speaking of beauty, why, we've come full circle.
Uh, oh, nothing rhymes with circle but Erckel.

But what I mean is we've come back to my Bump-Its
And the reason you won this bit of tea and crumpits...

Though I must admit, those things ain't to comfy.
Should you endure the pain just so hair can be puffy?

I don't have the answer - but I do know this truth
You can get as much puff with some gel or some Mousse.

So the next time you see my little boy in that mood,
Just ask him, "Is your mom's hair flat? Or is it her roots?"


natalie said...

Ahhh! Thanks so much!! What a great surprise first thing on a Monday :) And I'll have you know, this is the first poem I've ever had written for me!

Here's my post letting all of BlogLand know


oldwomaninashoe@live.com said...

Oh Melissa...you don't want to live in my shoe. It's stinky. It's got rotten children and an evil, evil dog who eats my shoes & the bed sheets in it. I'm ready to call in the TAPS team because I'm sure either the house is haunted by evil spirits of messy men & children or the children here are possessed.
My daughter could teach Remi new ways to kick it up a notch on the torture of little brothers. Colin would teach Rocco how to throw his sippy cup in the toilet & try to flush it if the milk isn't exactly what he wants.
No...you stay in Texas. My shoe is scary.

Big Nanny said...

This is why I don't compete in your contest because you give away poems. Kick it up a notch and give away some mascara. And hello, I'm going to Africa and sleeping under a mosquito net, you could at least hang my cute little button up here on this blog.

I let A'lyce sing your baby dedication song yesterday. I'm gonna need a new song for next year:) What ya got?

Mama Kat said...

Love this! The whole post is cracking me up and I don't even know any of these people!

And Amen to Farmville and Mafia Wars.

How many times do I have to excitedly open an email only to discover that so and so has invited me to join their mafia family.


Lisa@BlessedwithGrace said...

Oh girl, you are a hoot!!! Love it! So, I didn't win- Thanks for the mention, none the less.

I just wanted you to know, I drove through Lufkin, last night, on my way home from Houston. Past the Catfish King, smiled, and thought of you! I sure did!!!
I wondered if I detoured and pulled up, would I find you there? Alas, I did not stop. My darling, screaming 2 year old was tired, grumpy, and well... screaming! Home was the priority. But, in the midst of the madness, a smile and thought drifted to you!

Connie said...

Your humor never ceases to amaze me! Maybe the next prize should be Bump-It? I'm just saying.........