Jul 21, 2009

The Bachelorette: The Screams Heard 'Round the World

What do you get when you place five women, one cockatiel and the preview for next weeks Bachelorette finale in one room?

Screams. That's what.

Last night's 'Men Tell All' was about as exciting as a root canal; it was the kind of episode that makes you really appreciate the fact that you don't have to go on a reality show to find true love. (It also made me think twice before I snap at the same man who still opens car doors for me and tells me I'm beautiful without make-up.)

And although I must admit that men like David, the rageaholic douchebag, remind me of a particular guy I went to high-school with (and who I hope has either changed his temperament or been given the sentence of life without the possibility of parole) there are also still men like Ed...who may not always make the best choices in wardrobe but have just enough bedroom eyes to make you forget what it was he was wearing last week.

And since my mom called me and left me a voice mail today that said this:

"Just a tip: No one cares about your Bachelorette commentaries.
No one even watches that show but you.
I, personally, hate, loathe and despise it. It's ridiculous.
And I've never even seen one episode.
Also you have several misspellings on your blog and you should be embarrassed.
Call your mother or I'm not paying for you to get a pedicure.
Do you understand?
I'm not going to pay for you to get your feet done
if you don't even have five minutes to call me.
And don't dote on Rocco so much that it makes Remi feel left out.
When I get there I am going to suffocate her with kisses because she is probably..." BEEEEEEEEP.
(Thank the Lord.)

...I will refrain from leaving a lengthy description of last night's episode of The Bachelorette. Instead I will just say this:

The preview for next week.
The "confession."

It was at that moment that all five women began to scream and didn't stop until we had rewound it and watched it again. And then we screamed again. Even the cockatiel got in on the action.

And yes, I said, cockatiel. Because my dear friend who carries her dog around with her was asked to not bring her dog to our Bachelorette party - so she didn't. Instead she brought her bird. (I have really got to stop hanging out with her.)

So, my lovelies, unless you agree with my mother and find The Bachelorette to be both ridiculous and asinine - and you are free to agree with her, but you will be wrong - then I really must ask you to watch next week's episode and comment me until you just can't comment any more. 'Kay? 'Kay.

I would also like to add that if you agree with my mother then you probably also agree with her that eyeglasses should be big enough to cover the entire eyebrow and moo-moo's never, ever, went out of style.


votemom said...

well, i do NOT agree with your momma, but i DO wish my mom would pay for my pedicures!

your friend brought her BIRD - WHAT THE HECK?????

we watched at my house with five females too and we all screamed too ;o)

p.s. ed might have bedroom eyes, but he never uses them to look right into jillian's. what's up with that?

nancy said...

I do not watch the Bachelorette, but I L-O-V-E your play by plays and comments after the show. It's the added snark that makes your blog posts a delight.
I think your momma should continue to pay for your pedicures because God rewards mommas who over-indulge their children, or at least I'm hoping He does.
You blog is one of the best I regularly follow.
Keep writing, misspellings and all.

pj said...

I stumbled upon your blog looking for Bachelorette postings. Did your mother really leave that message?! Yikes! Well, I would have enjoyed a Bachelorette commentary for the record, mom of Melissa! My gal pals and I get together for this show, too. We call it our "girl sports" night. Looking forward to the final show! My guess is that she's ended up with no one, but I'm saying that mostly so as not to get my hopes up!

Jeanette said...

Well I don't watch it either, but I'm hanging on your every word and looking forward to what animal she brings next week.

Till then!

Ashley said...

Oh, come on Jillian!!! I know you have really bad taste in men but open your eyes!!! You can't choose ED over Reid! Really?!?

Sissy said...

I was waiting to see what you would say about seeing Reid. Ohmy, what is going to happen?

I was trying to explain all this to someone who doesn't watch the show, and it really does sound crazy to those who haven't watched. I sound like a lonely housewife talking about a soap opera, like I know these people.

But....I don't care!

Anonymous said...

Reading your recount of the events at your party was a perfect description of my house this morning. Some friends and I got together this morning to watch (thank you Lord for tivo) and we had the exact same reaction. Squeal....gasp.... and then rewind. I did do a bit of singsongin...."I told ya'll....Reid is the one". I guess we'll see next week.
Megan in Aiken

Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deb said...

Hi, I found your blog a few weeks ago while searching for Bachelorette info and LOVE your recaps. So hilarious. Okay, so first of all... OMG!!! The previews for next week had me holding my breath. I kept thinking to myself throughout the MTA that something was up because Reid wasn't there, and when Chris said, "He is unable to be here due to a previous engagement I thought... OMG he proposed and she accepted. It all seems very fishy. I don't think she will choose Ed because of what happened last week. She kept saying that she was waiting for the romantic connection. I also don't think that she will choose Kipton, because although he is a total hottie, he just seems like he is not TOTALLY into her. So we shall see.

As for your mom, coming from someone who has a mom very similar, I think you should just give her a hug and a kiss, and reassure her that you love her more than your addiction to the Bachelorette/Bachelor. Moms always like it when they get more attention. Maybe she'll change her mind and pay for your pedi anyway.

Can't wait to read your review next week.

Carly Winborne said...

Well, tell your sweet momma that I said this: I logged onto your site LAST NIGHT before I went to bed, hoping for a play-by-play. I didn't get to see it all (why don't my kids understand that I needed them to cooperate and go to bed so that I could watch this important show?) and was hoping I could catch it from you. (no tivo at my house.)

I did get excited to see Reid. Pretty sneaky on the part of ABC to just flash his profile. If you blinked, you missed it.

Can't wait till next week. And if your mom doesn't want to pay for your pedicure, my toes could use the help...

Rhonda said...

Okay, I do agree with your mom about the show, but NOT about your commentaries! I look forward to reading yours and Kat's every week.

Keep 'em coming!!!

Oh, and was the bird dressed as nicely as the dog?

ko said...

For the love of all that is holy, you HAVE to keep doing your comentary on the Bachelor/Bachelorette!!! I personaly can't stand to watch the show because it raises my blood pressure too much when the contestants are whiny and/or stupid. (Which seems to happen a lot and makes me yell at the tv.) But I want (need) to know what happens and for that, I count on you!

Kim said...

REID!!!! I can't wait!!! And David is such a douchbag. He can stick his man code where the sun don't shine. Did I mention, REID!!!! I've got my fingers crossed. I love REID!!!!

Melissa said...

Mancode? Really. That's woman code for jerk.
Jake may be cheesy and all, but at least he was looking out for Jillian. Now, don't get me wrong. It was just a tad bit creepy that he said he will always love her. Seriously?
My MIL and me recap on the phone on Tuesdays. It's actually kind of where what brings people together.
By the way, the photobuck monster barfed all over your blog again. I had to highlight this post to read it....:) Love you.

mommaof4wife2r said...

ur mom is wrong...i don't watch the show bc it's far more entertaining to read it here. it's shorter and way more on target! good work...and lose the bird friend...seriously?

Crazy Sister said...

Your mother seriously said all that on your voicemail? That's hilarious!

I used to take my fish out with me in a small bowl. He was the life of the party. Guests don't put one-eyed fish on their host's coffee tables often enough.

Jane said...

Okay, I never do this. I know it is scary when someone starts a paragraph like that, but honestly, I don't even have a blog, or ever make comments on blogs, I just sneak around "undercover" and link through a friend to read all this wonderful stuff. Melissa, I must say I am hooked on your bachelorette commentary AND everything else you write. I can't wait to check out your new posts. They are hilarious, and obviously many of us relate. Keep it coming. I also love the comments. The "one eyed fish" comment left me LOL and wishing I knew all of these people. Life would never be the same!