May 20, 2009

American Idol: Suddenly Diana DeGarmo Doesn't Seem So Bad.

So each week I try to give you a play-by-play of what I suspect was going on "behind the scenes." This post is no different. So herein lies what I believe, to have been said between our two finalists while they were standing backstage.

I could be wrong.

But I doubt it.

~~~~~~~~~

ROUND ONE

Kris Allen: Are you nervous man?

Adam Lambert: No. I've worn this trench coat while walking down stairs a thousand times.

Kris: Right, but I mean about the...

Adam: Oh, the fog? No. I love fog. Love. Fog. In fact, I prefer to perform in fog. It helps my nail polish glisten and causes my hair to scrunch naturally.

Kris: Oh, okay. But actually I was talking about ...

Adam: My guyliner? Are you kidding? I love guyliner. Plus, mine is smear proof.

Kris: That's good. But I was meaning are you nervous about performing. Ya know, SINGING?

Adam: Uh, no. I'm more terrified because Suri Cruise is in the audience. HELLO!! SURI CRUISE!!

~~~~~~~~~

ROUND TWO

Adam: I heard Simon say you won round one.

Kris: Hey, it's not big deal...

Adam: Yes, it is, Kris. Yes, it is. So I'm pulling out my silver suit.

Kris: Oh, okay...

Adam: My silver suit, Kris. My SILVER. SUIT.

Kris: Okay...

Adam: SILVER. SUIT.

Kris: (Silence)

Adam: SURI. CRUISE. SILVER. SUIT.

~~~~~~~~~

ROUND THREE

Kris: So what do you think about this song?

Adam: I think she finished writing it at 3 this afternoon which is why neither of us know it at all.

Kris: I didn't even have time to lower the key.

Adam: I don't need to lower the key. I use my tongue.

Kris: Right.

Adam: And also I will be wearing my snake pants. Which automatically make me sing higher.

Kris: Good for you, douche bag.

~~~~~~~~~

I'm interested to hear what you all thought about last night, but I gotta tell ya, I wasn't that impressed. Not with either one of them. Of course I thought Kris nailed "Ain't No Sunshine," but that's really about it. I thought it was a pretty anti-climactic event overall.


But I'm still a Kris fan. And it's not just because he seems like a genuinely sweet guy.


But also because all the women in his family color coordinated what they would be wearing, which screams "SOUTHERN CHARM" all over it. And I'm always a sucker for southern charm.


So there you have it, my final thoughts on AI. Oh, wait, since you pressed me, there is one more thing:


The award for most dramatic. emphasis. and. over. pronunciation. put. on. every. word. goes. to. none. other. than. Kara. Diaguardi. herself. who. wears. me. out. emotionally. every. time. she. speaks. Thank. you. And. good. night.

18 comments:

Jill said...

I haven't commented in a REALLY long time, but I'm de-lurking for this. This is f-ing HILARIOUS! You made me laugh out loud at work. thanks for that :)

Also, I'm Kris fan all the way!

Paisley Petals said...

I am also delurking to say that I agree with you 100 million percent ;)

But I'm a scrapbooker so you can't trust me! hehe

Sticky (just a little) said...

That was the funniest AI post I have read all year.

"Silver.Suit.Suri.Cruise"

So funny!!

Jenna said...

Hilarious! Were you backstage? Because I totally think this could have been the exact converstation that they had!

Jennifer T. said...

I love you.

The only difference I imagine is Kris's final response. He never would've said "douche bag" out loud. He definitely thought it, but he's way too cool to say it.

Kara has GOT to go...and she can take her sucky song with her!

Faith(ful) Reader said...

Heck, I could have written a better song than that. It was suckful.

Rhonda said...

I like Kara much more than Paula. Except that it is entertaining when they show Simon while Paula is talking. That's always good for a laugh.

I think they both sound like genuinely nice guys. Kris just looks like he's trying so darn hard, while Adam's voice is effortless. Kris's vocal cords were pretty worn out by that horrible third song, too. Which isn't a good thing in a singer. His concert would be two songs long. And that would suck. lol

Headless Mom said...

So glad I came over today-this is hysterical!

Suri and the silver suit. Brilliant!

Caroline said...

I've only commented a couple of times, but that was FREAKIN' HYSTERICAL!!!! (and it totally brought me out of lurkdom).

I thought Kris nailed "Ain't No Sunshine" and the rest was in the words and accent of Simon..."totally and utterly forgettable".

I hope Kris wins. I think Adam tries too hard and comes across fake. And I don't do fake.

Melissa said...

I missed the first round of songs, but I totally agree the show was rather unimpressive.

Adam is gonna win. I won't buy a single thing he records, but I can appreciate that he has an amazing range.

Hey, whatever happened to you commenting on comments? Just sayin'....I miss it.

Andrea said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

That was hilarious.

I usually sneak around and read all of boomama's AI friend's stuff. But I laughed out loud so much reading your behind the scenes stuff that I HAD to comment. Great stuff.

Lacey said...

I'm really glad you write about this every week, because I don't watch the show, and you make it so I totally don't need to! Not only do I get all the IMPORTANT details (so I can remain "in the know", which as we all know is VERY important), but also you're about 247 times more entertaining than I can imagine Kara EVER being. Thank you, Melissa, from the bottom of my anti-American-Idol heart! <3

bunchofbull-ers! said...

YOU MAKE ME LAUGH!
Everytime I come here (everyday, BTW!) I am cracking up!!
Thanks for the good times :O)

Sissy said...

Didn't watch, but now I might have to...just to see Suri Cruise. I mean, OMG, she's just so cute.

Susie Q said...

I've not watched it, but read enough to sort of know what is going on...and Kris really was the dark horse...I wanted to hear Keith Urban and Steve Martin...good guests though...if you are that calibre of artist...WHY do you do AI? And of all the 70-80s bands, who would have thought KISS would have good role models?

AND WHAT were those things on Adam's shoulders? WINGS? Guyliner...SMUDGE, SMUDGE, SMUDGE!!!!

Melinda said...

Totally agree ... neither were that impressive on Tuesday ... but Kris won! I was happy. But Adam is incredible, too.
Love the Kris family, too. When his Dad cried during his "homecoming" I just wanted to hug him.
And his wife is so stinkin' gorgeous it just ain't fair!

Melinda
www.parentingconfessions.com

kmksk said...

Dear Melissa, I am also de-lurking cuz I luv your interpretation of life. We seem to live on the same planet and I'm afraid there are not very many of us left. You make me snort... guffaw.. and tinkle all at once.

Carrie said...

I'm SO glad Kris won - I said to my husband, "It just goes to show you that the public is not swayed by the judges' politicking to get one candidate to win over another." And also, that weird pants do not make you an instant celebrity.

Also, every time the judges pumped Adam up unnecessarily, I would use the line from your last post, "Adam, I just came back from the bathroom, where I gave birth to our love child." HILARIOUS. :)