American Idol Recap: It's On!

I did not post on American Idol last week for fear that my posts were becoming too intimidating to editors at TV Guide magazine and Newsweek's Entertainment section. I have that tendency.

So I let the editors who are threatened by my immense pop-culture awareness have some time to catch up with me, if you will. But this week? I'm back, baby!

We're down to the final four and this is my recap as I see it. So leave me a comment letting me know how much you agree with me - or disagree - because I love to know you're thoughts.

As long as they line up exactly with mine.

Oh, I'm kidding...calm down.

This week's theme was: SLASH & ROCK & HOW SLASH IS A ROCK STAR & HOW PLAYING THE GUITAR WHILE SMOKING A CIGARETTE LOOKS COOL AND PROMOTES HEALTHY BODIES AND A MORE GREEN ENVIRONMENT FOR OUR CHILDREN AND OUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN & ROCK & SLASH & HOW SLASH IS A ROCK GOD, JUST ASK HIM - EVEN HE THINKS SO.

It was a lengthy theme, I will admit, but I feel it's dead-on.

Let's begin:

Adam...

Y'all, Adam came out and sang a rock song this week. Can you believe he attempted that? That is brave, is what that is. I stand up and applaud his bravery and take charge attitude, when he so obviously leans toward all things John Denver.

Oh, who are we kidding? Did we not think he was going to come out in 18 pounds of metal chains and more eyeliner than I wore my entire year of high school put together? Puh-leeze.

And I know we have Adam fans out there who get mad at me because I don't love him as much as they do (and by "love him as much" I actually mean "not at all") but that's okay because you all are still my dear bloggy friends. Even though when he screamed "woommmaaaannnn" into the mic it made my hair stand on end. And not in a good way.

Alyson...

I'm not upset at her for not choosing a Pink song considering this was "classic rock" week and Pink is not exactly in the same classic rock boat as Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix. So I suppose if she has to pick a tune Janis Joplin comes close to who Alyson is - so good for her. I just wasn't a big fan of the performance. Even now, as I'm typing this, I can't remember much about it; which is never a good sign.

I did however like her smarty pants attitude at the end. Finally. She's 17 - you know she's got a mouth on her - show us! But not too much. We like smarty and self-sufficient. But we don't like 17 year olds who cry too much or look like they might beat us up for our Chik-fil-A money. There's a fine line.

Kris and Danny...

Is it just me or did these two on stage together look just like the praise team at your local church was about to bust out into Shout To The Lord?

I like their harmonies. A lot. I wouldn't rush to Target to buy a Kris and Danny Sing the Hits album or anything, but it was enough that I hope they both stay. But I fear the worst for...

Kris...

Kris sang "Come Together," and here's where I will lose most of my Stretch Mark readers and probably be asked to withdraw my citizenship and leave the country, but I AM NOT A BEATLES FAN. Yep, you heard it here folks. I don't like their music. Never have.

Right now my dad is somewhere removing my name from his will.

But here is how you know when a performance just doesn't do it for you: In the middle of his song I turned to the AG and said, "You nearly tore my leg to shreds last night with that pinky toe of yours. Cut that thing already." And a lengthy conversation about his clipping habits ensued.

That is not a good sign for Kris.

Danny...

Danny, I love you. But you have no business picking out your wardrobe. None.

Now, on to more important things, like, that last note. What in the sam hill was that? I agreed with Simon; it sounded like Ronnie when he found a raccoon going through our groceries on our camping trip. I think he even fell to his knees like Danny did, too. Just the most shrill, piercing scream you've ever heard. But I'm not going to hold it against you because I like you. And because we all know you'll be in the finals. (Oh sweet mercy, I sound like Paula.)

Adam and Alyson...

No, I don't have the inside scoop from an "unnamed source", but when I close my eyes this is how I imagine that rehearsal went down.

"Alyson, you and I are going to sing a song together, okay? And it's gonna be awesome, mainly because only a handful of times will we actually be singing together. Mainly it will just be another solo for me and another solo for you and then at the end we'll look at each other and sing the same line at the same time. And there you have it! A duet! But it will work because we are each going to strut out on the stage one at a time and the people love that, oh, and also I have picked out an outfit for you that I think will totally work. And girl, you should see these pants I picked out for me to wear. Oh my Lord! They are all kinds of awesome. And I would like for you to ramp up the whole eyeliner because, as you know, that's kind of my thang. So I think that's it. Say what? What is the song called? I can't remember. Doesn't matter. We're strutting. We're wearing tight pants. We're sporting eyeliner and we're giving you some extensions. So it doesn't matter what the song is. We're gonna RRROOCCKK!"

And scene.

So there you have it. My personal take on all things American Idol.

Oh, wait. There is one last thought I would like to share. Since this week was Classic Rock and Danny and Kris were so certainly out of there element - and Adam and Alyson were so certainly in theirs - then I think it only fair that next week be more in line with them. So Adam, Alyson, hold on - because next week? The theme is:

STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN AND 4HYMN.

Let's see you wear tight pants while singing "Lord of the Dance."