Apr 21, 2009

And Now A Word For Our...Judges.

Ok. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. The AG told me I was crazy. His exact words? "Why do you continually open up aspects of your life to the general public that they will both find offensive and horrifying?" But did I listen? No.

And now you've left me posts and sent me emails as to how unsafe letting Rocco ride in my lap was. Bubba even took it upon himself to tell me that if he ever sees me doing it again he will call the police himself. He is currently enrolling in the police academy and has made it quite clear that under no uncertain terms he will ticket me. I believe he will do this - no doubt.

So I suppose I need to apologize and tell you all that there is good chance it will never happen again, so you all can just calm down and quit texting me. However, I would like to state for the record that I wasn't the one driving. Does that help your feelings?


I didn't think so. Oh wait, I have to go. My mother-in-law is texting me...again.


And Now A Word For Our Judges:

Dear Randy,

Dawg, I am quite sure I would never notice if you didn't show up for work next week. At least I can't say that about Paula; I mean, let's be honest, we would notice if she weren't there. But you? I wouldn't notice. Every week you say these three things - "Dawg, that was just alright for me / Mmmm...that was not your best performance / Dude - that was hot right there" - you just say them to different people wearing different outfits. So no, I wouldn't miss you. But that's just me. Perhaps there are others who would object to my opinion. But you're judging is just alright for me, I just feel like week after week we are not getting your best performance and I'm really ready to look at you and say "that was hot right there!"

Dear Kara,

Are you sorry you took this assignment? Do you ever look at Paula and Simon and think, "I could totally be hanging out with Hillary Duff right now?" I would. But that's just me. And I still love Hillary Duff, so. I actually think you're doing a really fine job. You say things of lasting importance (though you do tend to throw around the word "brilliant" which I find ridiculous since you are dealing with people like Lil Rounds and not Stevie Wonder) and you seem to genuinely be happy for them when they do good and you give constructive criticism for them when they don't. Thank you. And since I'm in to constructive criticism as well, let's not ever wear our hair pulled back tight on our head again, okay?

Dear Paula,

Tonight you said "visceral." I will give you $84,000 if you can tell me what "visceral" even means. The end.

Dear Simon,

As Americans we must confess: you speak the truth. Sure you do it in that haughty British accent of yours, that one finds either irritating or titillating - depends on the person, but it is truth nonetheless. You only say what we all are thinking (i.e. "I would have bet $10,000 you would sing a Donna Summer song tonight.") Sure you don't dress like anyone who owns 12 cars and small country, and your hair has probably looked exactly like that since you were in 8th grade, but you are one heck of a judge. And may I just go on record as saying that my favorite moments of the evening have been the faces you make when Paula is commenting. Priceless.


neeki said...

Once again, you hit it right on the head! They should really put you on American Idol...if not as a contestant, then as a judge. Now THAT would be hot right there!!

Smoochiefrog said...

*Wondering if I can get the $84,000 if I can tell you what visceral means*

Kacey said...

And Now a Word for Our Judges...
Oh I love it and am cracking up!

Those are PERFECT!

Rhonda said...

I was totally watching Simon's expressions too!! lol LOVED it!

As for Paula, when she talked to Kris about shopping in the girl's section, I almost peed my pants!! lol

Shelley said...

I am with you on the favorite moment is watching Simon's facial expressions when Paula is commenting. I sat there last night and laughed and laughed at him.
P.S. My kids have ridden in my lap as well. Too bad they are all grown up now and can't do that anymore.

Ginger said...

Okay, a loyal lurker comes out of the closet here... to say I love, love your AI critiques. Keep em' coming!

Jennifer Henry said...

Simon is so MEAN to her!! Is it scary to admit that I really "get" Paula's comments 99% of the time??

Ps... I agree full heartedly! PLEASE Kara... don't wear your hair in a pony tail anymore!

Kayla said...

I laughed out loud when I read your comment about giving Paula $84,000 if she could define visceral. I actually did a double take when she used that word, too. I wonder if she is looking up "big" words in the dictionary to sound smart because most of her rambling doesn't make sense?

JenB said...

Love love love this! I'm totally with you on all of it.

Lynda said...

Dawg! That was a little pitchy... *wink*

Ashley said...

I was on Bible Drill when I was a youth and it did me some good (despite what my mother thinks):

Judge not lest ye be judged.

That's Bible speak for 'don't be mean to me on my own blog'. Hehe! :)

Suzy said...

I think we should eliminate Paula and Randy this week. They already used the save last week, and we'd be safe from their untimely return (plus it is a TWO for One elimination week). You're right: Cara does offer real insight and genuine critiques, and Simon is almost always correct with his criticism.

Anonymous said...

I don't have an account but wanted to let you know myself and several of my friends (who also do not have accounts) love your blog, especially the AI reviews and we check it daily. Yes, I know we need to come out of lurk world but we agree we're just not creative enough to come up with any good names to register with as we don't want to use our given names. You are a hoot!!!