To Nadya From Melissa: A Not-So Dramatic Reading.

If I had 14 children
I’ll tell you what I’d do -
I’d never speak a sentence
That didn’t start with “pee” and “poo”

My words would run together
And my thoughts would cease to gel
Cuz if I had 14 children
I’d be on the 21st level of hell.

If I had 14 children
And all 14 had my genes -
Then I’d start a school for the Dramatic Arts
For all my drama queens.

I’d make them stand for pictures
I’d make them dance and pose.
And I’d shop our story to TLC
For one of those reality shows.

We’d probably go on Oprah
The View and Dr. Phil,
Who’d look me straight in the eye and ask,
“Ain't you never heard of the pill?”

And I’d tell him my sob story
Of how I had wanted to do IVF -
But since I couldn’t afford to do it the right way,
I’d bought a kit and done it myself.

And how I really thought I’d messed up
Lost my ten bucks along with my dream
But 9 weeks later my nose spread across my face
And I’d put on 48 pounds so it seemed.

And right then I knew there was a problem,
There’s no way I was carrying one!
So I had my doctor check the ultrasound
And that’s when I spotted my son…

And that’s when I spotted my daughter
And when I spotted my other daughter and my son
And when I spotted my other son
And my two daughters and my son.

And it’s also when I spotted my other son
And the son that son was covering up
And then I spotted another daughter and son
And another daughter and son…what luck!

And so I’d say, “Dr. Phil this isn’t anyone’s fault
I just wanted a big family.”
And he’d reply, “Considering the state our society is in
May I ask where the dad might be?”

And I’d take a deep breath in an relax
And wait for the steam to come out of his ears,
Because unfortunately my 14 kids don’t have a daddy
He left a forwarding address to Tangiers.

But I suppose who can really blame him?
All I’d asked for was a kitty cat.
And all he knew was he left for work one morning
And when he came home the house was quite packed.

“Uh, who are all these children?
Coloring my walls red, purple and grey?”
“Oh, I’m sorry dear. Didn’t I mention…
They’re all yours. Did you have a good day?”

He’d muttered something about hiding out,
About running off to an island, or a bar.
But with all 15 of us looking for him
I doubt he can get very far.

But that’s what you do when you have 14 children
You run off very, very far.
Because if you can’t stand the heat in the kitchen
Then you can’t be an internet star.

And that’s what I’m doing with my 14 children
I’m raking in the dough by singing my song
Because as everyone knows that 15 minutes
Of fame isn’t really that long.

And since I only have 3 ½ minutes left
I’ll do what I can and have a ball!
Cause when I’m left alone with these 14 children
There’d better be padding on my rubber walls.