Feb 12, 2009

To Nadya From Melissa: A Not-So Dramatic Reading.

If I had 14 children
I’ll tell you what I’d do -
I’d never speak a sentence
That didn’t start with “pee” and “poo”

My words would run together
And my thoughts would cease to gel
Cuz if I had 14 children
I’d be on the 21st level of hell.

If I had 14 children
And all 14 had my genes -
Then I’d start a school for the Dramatic Arts
For all my drama queens.

I’d make them stand for pictures
I’d make them dance and pose.
And I’d shop our story to TLC
For one of those reality shows.

We’d probably go on Oprah
The View and Dr. Phil,
Who’d look me straight in the eye and ask,
“Ain't you never heard of the pill?”

And I’d tell him my sob story
Of how I had wanted to do IVF -
But since I couldn’t afford to do it the right way,
I’d bought a kit and done it myself.

And how I really thought I’d messed up
Lost my ten bucks along with my dream
But 9 weeks later my nose spread across my face
And I’d put on 48 pounds so it seemed.

And right then I knew there was a problem,
There’s no way I was carrying one!
So I had my doctor check the ultrasound
And that’s when I spotted my son…

And that’s when I spotted my daughter
And when I spotted my other daughter and my son
And when I spotted my other son
And my two daughters and my son.

And it’s also when I spotted my other son
And the son that son was covering up
And then I spotted another daughter and son
And another daughter and son…what luck!

And so I’d say, “Dr. Phil this isn’t anyone’s fault
I just wanted a big family.”
And he’d reply, “Considering the state our society is in
May I ask where the dad might be?”

And I’d take a deep breath in an relax
And wait for the steam to come out of his ears,
Because unfortunately my 14 kids don’t have a daddy
He left a forwarding address to Tangiers.

But I suppose who can really blame him?
All I’d asked for was a kitty cat.
And all he knew was he left for work one morning
And when he came home the house was quite packed.

“Uh, who are all these children?
Coloring my walls red, purple and grey?”
“Oh, I’m sorry dear. Didn’t I mention…
They’re all yours. Did you have a good day?”

He’d muttered something about hiding out,
About running off to an island, or a bar.
But with all 15 of us looking for him
I doubt he can get very far.

But that’s what you do when you have 14 children
You run off very, very far.
Because if you can’t stand the heat in the kitchen
Then you can’t be an internet star.

And that’s what I’m doing with my 14 children
I’m raking in the dough by singing my song
Because as everyone knows that 15 minutes
Of fame isn’t really that long.

And since I only have 3 ½ minutes left
I’ll do what I can and have a ball!
Cause when I’m left alone with these 14 children
There’d better be padding on my rubber walls.


Lace said...

I have a single tear rolling down my face. This was simply lovely. Poe has nothing on you.

Givinya De Elba said...

That was good. Very Good.

So let me check the facts again (we got the news in Australia, but we are still shaking our heads ...)


Hm. That's what I thought they said.

Faith(ful) Reader said...

14 young'uns!!! How many spanking spoons would a mama need for that brood? Love the line about her nose spread across her face--what about those wannabe Angelina Jolie lips? L-O-C-O in the cabeza, that's what I call that.

Cresta said...


Tracie said...

Me and my friends are calling her the "Octo-Momma."

I sure hope she was able to get a few extra arms outta this deal!

Suzanne said...

Ohhhh... Way toooo funny! Good work, Melissa! I'm onboard with the "what was she thinking???" group, after six kids and she still felt empty, she should have gone to see a therapist, cuz more babies just isn't gonna be the answer.

~Suzanne @

Melissa said...

Aaah~men x infinity....that's all I's can say.

Lynda said...

lol @ the Spanking Spoons... and aren't you quite the poet??

Keesler Chaos said...

And 3 on disability!

Aja Jenise said...

This is publishment far beyond Lulu.com or the like... you should be the commentary where ever that girl goes!! The Morning Show, The View, even Ellen. Oh and whats her name... Oprah? They have nothing on your cue... Gosh I love you!!

Said liek a true mama!!

Leah said...

OMG!!! I am laughing SO HARD! and I NEEDED a good laugh today!

Sarah W. said...

I cannot stop laughing. Oh my goodness, this is the funniest thing I have ever read!!! You are hilarious!!!!

Tracy P. said...

Un. believable. I'm sick. I know I should be falling off my chair, but I cannot even laugh about this. Sigh. I'm sort of half smiling, so at least that's something. :-/ (There, how's that?)

mommyjen99 said...

Love this!!!
You made me totally crack up.
This whole thing is whacky with her.

Diana said...

Love it!!!!

Rhonda said...

Oh, the Dr. Phil "Ain't you never heard of the pill?" is my absolute FAVORITE!!!!! ROTFL!

natalie said...

Stumbled on your page today... Love this! Can't stop laughing and still shaking my head in disbelief about that mama.