Jan 26, 2009

Weekend Recap: Color Blindness

I am not making fun of the colorblind. Hello! I AM COLORBLIND! So trust me, I don't make fun of those who can't tell the difference between navy and black; it hurts, I'm not gonna lie. I can't tell you the number of times that I've worn navy socks and black shoes. But this weekend, color took on a whole new meaning.

This weekend I got to spend some personal, one on one time with two women in my life - my mom and my Granny. Aaahhhhh...good times. More on that later.

Overall it was a slow weekend...

Rocco is teething and I now have to change his clothes every 2 hours because they are drenched in drool.

Remi has learned that the phrase "you're driving me crazy," "that's what she said," and "boom-chicka-wow-wow" (thanks Brandon) can make her dad and I fall over laughing. So imagine her Sunday School teachers surprise when the classes craft of painting a rock brought both a "that's what she said" and a "boom-chicka-wow-wow" from my daughter.

I finally relented and watched the first two episodes of 24 that the AG had saved on the TiVo and begged me profusely to watch. I had given up on 24 ages ago when there was absolutely nothing else that could happen to Jack Bauer, except for him to end up on an island, fall in love with Kate and turn that little wheel that would turn back time to when my hair was a beautiful shade of blond. (Those were references to LOST, which will make an appearance later this week out of due respect for the show and my loyalty and friendship to Lulaville.)

But my favorite part of the weekend is reserved for time spent with mom and Granny. I love it, honestly I do, but after watching two solid hours of Jack Bauer saving the world I have to confess - I don't know if Jack's got anything on me. I, too, saved the world this weekend. Oh, sure, it might not have been in counter-terrorism, but it was just as serious.

On Friday, my mom called me in to the bathroom to fix her hair. This isn't anything new. To this day my mom goes down once a week to fix my Granny's hair and now I fix my mom's hair. It's just the way our world works. Only no one fixes my hair. I mean, Remi tries, but her favorite objects to use are a pair of metal tongs and a jar of Vaseline. And I just don't have time for that.

So mom calls me in to the bathroom and I proceed to fix her hair - and it is adorable, if I do say so myself. Think Jane Fonda in Monster-in-Law. Cute. For a senior. (JUST KIDDING, MOM! Don't leave me a dirty comment.) Anyway, I finish with her hair and she stands up to leave and lo and behold, what do my eyes behold? The woman is wearing a black shirt, WHITE CAPRI PANTS, WHITE HOSE and BLACK SANDALS.

I'm going to ask you to re-read that last sentence.

Now, we're not talking "winter white." Heck, we're not even talking "pearl" or "ecru." We're talking, "isn't-it-beautiful-in-Destin-during-the-summer" kind of white. I'm not even going to discuss the fact that they were Capri's and it was January. I can't even go there. Besides, I don't know if I'll have the energy after discussing the white pantyhose (oh yes, you heard me right. NOT knee highs...Pantyhose) and black sandals.

What has happened to my world?

Why did I even bother with her hair? She might as well have put on a Minnie Pearl hat and been done with it.

Thankfully she changed clothes. But only because I swore I would rub Vaseline through her hair with a pair of metal tongs. That usually does it.

Later that evening I think I came to terms with why my mom is the way she is when it comes to color.

That night we were all sitting around the table enjoying dinner when my Granny says she made a dessert to enjoy. Oh, yum, a dessert. Right? Wrong.

My Granny then proceeds to pull out a green cheesecake.

I'm going to ask you to re-read that last sentence.

No one says anything, which seems to odd to me, so I speak up..."Uh, Granny...what happened to your cheesecake?"

"Oh, I messed it up. I forgot to put the cheesecake in the middle, so I just put it on the top."


"I made the graham cracker crust, but then I was supposed to add the cheesecake layer and then the whipped topping, but I forgot to add the cheesecake, so I just put the layer of whipped cream and then spread the cheesecake out over the top of it."

(At this point I am going to ask any and all of my friends to never, ever ask me to make another dessert for anything...because this truly is in my DNA.)

"Oh, okay. Well, actually Granny, I was more curious as to why it's green."

"Because I added green food coloring."

"Oh, okay. Wait, why?"

"Because I had some."

It was at that moment that I spit my sweet tea across the table and asked the AG to bring me my digital camera. I did have a picture of both the green cheesecake and my Granny giving me a very dirty look, but my mom made me promise not to show them. Probably because she knows I also have a picture of her white Capri's and pantyhose.

And personally, I don't know what's more embarrassing. Wearing the Capri pants and pantyhose, making a green cheesecake, or taking pictures of them both because they are the most exciting thing to happen in your weekend. Oh, well.

Here's hoping you had a colorful weekend, as well.


Sissy said...

My dad once dyed our spaghetti noodles green to see if we would eat them. It was quite disturbing. When your food isn't the color you'd expect, it changes the way your mind thinks about it. But I think I could get past green cheesecake...on St. Patrick's Day.

Anonymous said...

My mother made green mashed potatoes...picture that with brown gravy... She thought it would be fun!

Lynda said...

You crack me up. Girl, you should send this blog to a publisher today. Really!

Sarah D said...

You are such a talented writer!!

I have been waiting for your LOST post, hope it comes soon.

Having a give-away on my blog, check it out!

Lacey said...

I have learned over the last several months to never EVER read your posts while drinking. Because whatever is in my mouth will inevitably come out my nose, completely unexpectedly and usually involving a lot of pain and clean up.

I'd like to think that maybe Granny was trying to make the cheesecake look "healthy." Because we all know that green food is healthy for us... right?

I dunno. It's my best guess. :D

Desha said...

Actually, I think green cheesecake would be VERY exciting. How often can you say you have had green cheesecake? Did it at least TASTE good? I seriously almost peed myself when I read this!

Tassie said...

I really think you could write a show about your life--it's hilarious. If Seinfeld can be about "nothing" can't your show be about "something?"

Heather said...

Ok, I now realize I live a colorless life!
Although, the Hubby likes to add green food color to the kids' pancakes. I can't eat them that way, reminds me of mold! But the kids love it.
Guess he's the color in our life! :)

sharilyn said...

my creative sister used to make 'green eggs and ham' for her boys when they were little... once, in the more recent past, she made the orange juice green (st patty's day, i think), and that was almost too much for the kids...both boys and their little sister were not quite sure what to think of that! :)

Rhonda said...

I thought you might want to take a look at my blog today, Melissa, to see what is in store for you with Remi in 11 years or so.

Ashley said...

Haha! My vote goes to the white hose.. although green cheesecake 'just because she had it' comes in a very, very close second. I'd be taking pictures, too, so I can't possibly count that as most embarrassing. Haha! This is great!

Faith(ful) Reader said...

I think the hose with sandals, regardless of the colors involved, is the most disturbing part of the whole thing. I used to work with a woman who always wore hose with her sandals, which, since I live in Florida would have been right frequently, and it always horrified me. At least they weren't white sandals after Labor Day.

Paige's Petals said...

Melissa, you are cracking me up today! Just love my daily reading of your blog! Thanks so much for stopping over to say hello! What a treat!

Miss High Maintenance (ha!)

Mikki said...

I don't know if you read the Stephanie Plumb series by Janet Evanovich but reading your post about your granny reminded me of hers! LOL

Givinya De Elba said...

Hey yeah, she's so totally like Stephanie Plum's Grandma!!

Now - 24. Why can't Jack Bauer just die! He has had plenty of opportunites!! After the first two seasons, the whole thing got a real "Yeah- Right" quality to it.

Even Keifer getting thrown in jail can't stop the madness.

Wep said...

That made me snort with laughter. I loved the reread sections!! And you totally need to post a video of "That's what she said" and "Bow chica Bow Bow"

Bonnie said...

I was laughing so hard I snorted AND started crying... How much I love Moms (over 50) & Grandmoms!!!!!!

Carrie said...

That is hilarious.

And about the drooling, have you tried plastic-backed bibs? My little man was a SPIT-UP prince! And I used the plastic-backed bibs & didn't have to change his clothes as much. :)