What Brown Can Do For You.

Well, here's my attempt at another Works For Me Wednesday Post. As some of you know I have tried my hand at this before...and failed...miserably. Not because I don't like the idea of What Works For Me Wednesday, but mainly because nothing ever, ever, works for me.

Sewing? Nope.

Dusting with one of those Swiffer dusters like all the cool people? Nyet.

Weight Watchers? Ha.

See? Nothing ever works for me.

Well, you know what? That's a little harsh. I fried up 18 pounds of chicken tenders for Thanksgiving and that went over great! But then my face broke out and I couldn't button my pants for the next entire week, so maybe I need to reconfigure what "working for me" actually means.

So, I've decided to call in the experts on this here Works For Me Wednesday. Our local UPS man.

Oh, sure - he's also my cousin. His name is Brandon. But we all call him Bubba (I think the rest of this post will prove why that name is appropriate) and I've decided to sit him down and ask him his best holiday tips.

You may wonder why asking Bubba for holiday tips makes any sense, but you see, he became a man today. Today, as he was delivering a package to some of the fine delicate flowers in Brentwood, he was hit on. Considering he's in his twenties and, well, she's not, he likes to say he's been "cougared." Oh, give him a break. Every guy oughta get to say it once.

So if you want to know what really works this holiday season, let's ask UPS' finest and brightest....my friend and yours, Bubba.

*Note to readers: The following tips are words taken directly from Bubba. No edits, re-writes or exaggerations were made. None were needed. I assure you.

Tip #1: "Candles are nice at the holidays. I personally like ones that smell like A&W Root Beer Floats...they do make those, right? But just be sure that when you go to the mall to do your shopping you blow it out."

Tip #2: "Be sure when your UPS man comes to your door at Christmas you tip him. This is the season for giving. Remember? And after being 'cougared' I can honestly say that tipping never has to be with money. Remember that ladies."

Tip #3: "A fire is nice. It always smells up the house and makes everyone feel warm. Don't forget to stoke it every now and then. OHHH! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Tip #4: "Don't set your tree right in front of the fireplace. You might think this is obvious, but I did it one year. And that thing is combustible."

Tip #5: "When you hang your stockings up by the fireplace be sure and arrange them in the right order. Once I hung mine up with letters that were supposed to spell out N-O-E-L. But when you put them up backwards they just spell L-E-O-N. And I don't know any Leon."

Tip #6: "Don't lie to your kids. If you live in an apartment Santa is not going to come see you. He has no chimney to come down. And Santa Claus without a chimney is like a pole dancer without a pole."

And last, but not least...

Tip #7: "Don't be stupid around the holidays, like Melissa, and spend $800 at the vet on your cat. For $800 you could just shoot that thing and get yourself a panther."

And that, my lovelies, is what BROWN CAN DO FOR YOU.