Dec 10, 2008

What Brown Can Do For You.



Well, here's my attempt at another Works For Me Wednesday Post. As some of you know I have tried my hand at this before...and failed...miserably. Not because I don't like the idea of What Works For Me Wednesday, but mainly because nothing ever, ever, works for me.

Sewing? Nope.

Dusting with one of those Swiffer dusters like all the cool people? Nyet.

Weight Watchers? Ha.

See? Nothing ever works for me.

Well, you know what? That's a little harsh. I fried up 18 pounds of chicken tenders for Thanksgiving and that went over great! But then my face broke out and I couldn't button my pants for the next entire week, so maybe I need to reconfigure what "working for me" actually means.

So, I've decided to call in the experts on this here Works For Me Wednesday. Our local UPS man.

Oh, sure - he's also my cousin. His name is Brandon. But we all call him Bubba (I think the rest of this post will prove why that name is appropriate) and I've decided to sit him down and ask him his best holiday tips.

You may wonder why asking Bubba for holiday tips makes any sense, but you see, he became a man today. Today, as he was delivering a package to some of the fine delicate flowers in Brentwood, he was hit on. Considering he's in his twenties and, well, she's not, he likes to say he's been "cougared." Oh, give him a break. Every guy oughta get to say it once.

So if you want to know what really works this holiday season, let's ask UPS' finest and brightest....my friend and yours, Bubba.

*Note to readers: The following tips are words taken directly from Bubba. No edits, re-writes or exaggerations were made. None were needed. I assure you.

Tip #1: "Candles are nice at the holidays. I personally like ones that smell like A&W Root Beer Floats...they do make those, right? But just be sure that when you go to the mall to do your shopping you blow it out."

Tip #2: "Be sure when your UPS man comes to your door at Christmas you tip him. This is the season for giving. Remember? And after being 'cougared' I can honestly say that tipping never has to be with money. Remember that ladies."

Tip #3: "A fire is nice. It always smells up the house and makes everyone feel warm. Don't forget to stoke it every now and then. OHHH! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Tip #4: "Don't set your tree right in front of the fireplace. You might think this is obvious, but I did it one year. And that thing is combustible."

Tip #5: "When you hang your stockings up by the fireplace be sure and arrange them in the right order. Once I hung mine up with letters that were supposed to spell out N-O-E-L. But when you put them up backwards they just spell L-E-O-N. And I don't know any Leon."

Tip #6: "Don't lie to your kids. If you live in an apartment Santa is not going to come see you. He has no chimney to come down. And Santa Claus without a chimney is like a pole dancer without a pole."

And last, but not least...

Tip #7: "Don't be stupid around the holidays, like Melissa, and spend $800 at the vet on your cat. For $800 you could just shoot that thing and get yourself a panther."

And that, my lovelies, is what BROWN CAN DO FOR YOU.

24 comments:

DysFUNctional Mom said...

OMG, he sounds like my niece's doofus boyfriend!
We call him "special".

Menta Lee Hill said...

Bubba can deliver my packages anytime!

Finding Normal said...

That is hysterical! What a cutie. When did they turn the UPS outfits into tracksuits, and is there a cuteness requirement?

Soliloquy said...

A panther. Or..... a cougar.

Sheri said...

Can we get Bubba to deliver in SW Virginia? I've got a co worker that would l u r v e her some Bubba!

PS - I actually have a great friend who's been Bubba since he was a kid. I told another friend about him, and she was all, "Can you imagine in the heat of the moment being all 'Mmm, Bubba'? We died laughing, and since then, he's been mmm, bubba ever since!

Lynda said...

lol @ Bubba - he's a hoot! An A&W Root Beer candle?? lol

Lisa said...

Sounds like Bub could have his own "cult-following" on here. Now if you could only figure out how to make sound-bytes on here; cause it just loses something w/out his voice. Luv ya Bub!!

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

That's hysterical! And yes, he's adorable!

Shelley said...

Brandon's hot. Cougared, huh?

Denise said...

He is cute and funny....tell him thanks for the tips.

Jenn said...

Hilarious!!! But my question is... is Bubba single?

Rhonda said...

I'm trying to figure out if he's wearing a jacket or a sweater dress. Hmmm. Could be either.

Very good ideas there, Bubba! But from here on in I'm going to call you Stephan(ie). Bubba just isn't flattering to someone wearing a UPS sweater dress. lol

fransmomma said...

this cracked me up! your blog is great, by the way. i appreciate quality sarcasm. :)

Rhea said...

That's hilarious. You have the best UPS man ever.

Givinya De Elba said...

LEON! Ha ha.

Anita J. said...

I noticed my UPS man has been smiling a lot these days. Bet the other regulars are tipping him. Okay Bubba, what's a good tip for a UPS man? We see him at least twice a week since my husband's employer ships things to our home. Since I'm married, money will have to do.

Natural Healing said...

I had to go back the posts and look at Bubba & his tips!!
Wasnt disappointed at all-
- Most of the cute UPS guys I know never do any talking & Bubba is hilarious!

Blue Castle said...

I'm dying! The man is hilarious. Seriously. Whew.

Carol said...

He named his panther Leon? Just a guess.

Grateful for Grace said...

Great post!!! Funny stuff!

Hadley Coble said...

too funny!

Keri Ann said...

Since my last name is Brown and my husband works for UPS (but not as a driver!), I had to follow your link here from Rocks in My Dryer. What a hoot Bubba is! Hope he DELIVERS the laughs for you at your Christmas family get-togethers, too! (Sorry. I had to say it! :-) )

An Apron Straitjacket said...

I must say that it takes a very special person to use both "Santa Claus" and "pole dancer" in the same sentance. Well done Bubba!

Woody said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying and hooting and having a hard time catching my breath. THANK YOU BUBBA for making my holidays!!!