Haz Aneewon Evr Hurd Of A Spankin Spooon?

Dear Bubble Bursters,

Yeah, you heard me right. Bubble bursters. Cuz I had a bubble and you all went and burst it.

Look, I'm not usually one to complain. Granted, I like a good foot stomp every now and then. And I've recently learned that crossing my arms and huffing really loud will get a response. But other than those things I'm not really one for fit throwing.

Until now.

HAVE YOU PEOPLE LOST YOUR MIND????

Let's see, we've got like ten of you who think I shouldn't take an afternoon nap anymore. Fifteen of you who think mom needs to put tape on my light. And about thirty who think the T.V. should be removed from my room.

Wow.

What's next?

Why don't you just strap a churn to me and send me out to make butter? Why don't I just travel to school from now on in a buggy?

What is this, Amish country?

So a girl likes to get up a little early and watch a movie. Boo hoo! My mom like to wake up early, plug the tree in, fix herself some hot chocolate and read a book about a vampire who falls in love and goes to his local high school. Now, I ask you. What's worse?

Oh, gee. I'm thinking if Tarzan and Jane had fangs and pasty white skin we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?

But oooooohhhh nnnoooo, blame the little girl. I know all you mom's out there. Oh yeah, I got your number. Y'all stick together. Oh yes you do. Y'all run in packs. I know things. I've heard things.

Once, my friend Tommy, who goes to the black church down the road, was bad during the music. And six different women spanked him before his momma could leave the choir loft, take him in the bathroom and do it herself. He told me right then and there that all you momma's stick together. He also told me to wear a lot of padding. Which is why I'm still in diapers. (Which reminds me...stop giving her advice on that, too. I'll do it when she brings my T.V. back to my room, how's that?)

So I just wanted to leave this post for you all to let you know how much I truly appreciate you all reading my mom's blog and leaving her your ideas. Oh, yes, really I do. I truly appreciate the tape that I have to peel off my light switch every night. I appreciate the digital clock that now shines so bright in my bedroom I fear planes are going to come in for a landing. And I appreciate you telling her to remove my T.V. Real nice.

I also want you to know that I have learned how to say things that are dripping with sarcasm. Mom taught me that. She can deny it, but she did.

Oh, and for the record. Mom and dad never put a T.V. in my room. Poppie did. He brought it. He plugged it in. He even brought the movies. So he says if you got a problem with it you can take it up with him.

And so he and I made a little agreement. He said he would give me the T.V./VCR combo if I would agree to always prefer him over Nonie and "never be a smartalic like your momma." His words, not mine. We shook hands. And I been waking up at 4 AM ever since.

So, bubble bursters, this holiday season I hope a few things for you.

1. I hope someone puts tape alllllll over your Christmas presents and then they say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to open it up? I just assumed you wanted to look at it but not be able to do anything about it."

2. I hope someone makes a sign that says "NO" and tapes it up over your stocking. Then loads said stocking down with all your favorite treats and maybe even a tennis bracelet. But you can't touch it. Nope. It's says "NO" on it, therefore you have to abide by the rule.

3. And lastly, right as your family goes to sit down on Christmas eve with their hot chocolate and their flannel pj's, to watch Home Alone or Miracle on 34th Street....I hope your power goes out.

Have a Merry One.

Remi