Aug 8, 2008

Don't Laugh At Me. Laugh With Me.

At some point, you just have to laugh.

I go into the doctor's office yesterday...and yes, it was full of pregnant women, and yes, all they had to read were Pregnancy magazines, and yes, the lady behind the desk accidentally asked me when I was due...

And yes, it stunk.

And yes, it was a horrible appointment, and yes, I'll have to have a surgery, and yes, this makes me sad...

And yes, I don't wanna.

But in the midst of all that. I laughed. I really did. Because let's be honest - at some point you have to! At some point it gets so absolutely absurd and heavy that you just have to laugh. And I did. I got a good chuckle out of a Readers Digest that I found, all wrinkled up, and two years old, that someone had stuck under a pamphlet on Menococcal Meningitis...just for me.

And so, my lovelies, here is the chuckle I got yesterday. It sums up my day perfectly.

(In fact, when I got out of the doctor I called my mom and this joke was the first thing I told her. We laughed together and she agreed that, yes, this pretty much sums it up.)

So when you leave me a comment today. Leave me a joke. The best you've ever heard. I could use it.

We all could.

The doctor walks into the office with the test results in his hand. "Well, Mr. Smith, I got your test results back. Would you like the good news or the bad news first?"

"Uh, I guess the good news," Mr. Smith replies.

"Well, the good news is you're about to have a disease named after you."


Givinya De Elba said...

Oh, that was terrible! So terrible in fact that I laughed!

I am hopeless at remembering jokes. Every time somebody asks me for a joke, there is only one tired old one that comes to mind. So I keep telling it.

A Zero walks up to an Eight and says, "Nice belt!"

I am relying on the other commenters to give me SOMETHING NEW!!! HELP ME!!!

Sheri said...

Hopefully, blond jokes don't offend anyone, but I love this one! (And, yes, I have a very good blond friend, and she didn't "get" this!)

A blond calls her husband, very distraught.
Hubby: Hon, what's the matter?
Her: I've been trying for HOURS to get this puzzle together, and I can't get the first piece in!
Hubby: Now, you know I like to help you out any way I can. Go on and set it aside, and I'll be home and help you with it.
Her: OK

Later that night, "Honey, just put the corn flakes back in the box. There's no way they are ever going to look like Tony the Tiger."

Yeah. I liked it!

Mindy said...

Why is the tomato red?

Because it saw the Salad dressing.

I only know the cheesy ones but for some reason they make me laugh anyway.

Deanna said...

I ache for you...and I pray for you...and I know He understands better than any of us.

Here's my joke...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Mine's not a joke, but my all time favorite bumper sticker:

Honk If You're Amish

Midwest Mommy said...

Oh that is too funny!
I have a really good joke but it involves a paper phone and some quacking...much better in person :-)

Me said...

Reminds me of one of my fav Homer Simpson quotes (there are many.) The dr tells Homer he has Homer Simpson Disease, and Homer screams "Why me!"


Lauren W said...

Oh man, that's pretty hilarious. Ok, my all time favorite joke is really better heard than read, but I'm going to include it anyway :)
A family of tomatoes (mom, dad, baby) are hopping down the sidewalk one day. The baby tomato starts getting distracted and lagging behind. Well, daddy tomato doesn't like that very much, so he hops back to Jr. and smashes him flat saying "Catch Up!" (Ketchup)
HAHAHA! I love it :)

Sarah said...

What did the dog say when it sat on the sandpaper?

Ruff, Ruff.

I agree that it gets to a point where you have to laugh...otherwise you might go mad. Praying for you....

Trish said...

oh man I can never tell the joke right I always ruin the punch line! well i guess then i know joke telling was not my calling :)

okay so this is one of my hubby's favorite jokes, and I actually just called him to get it right! :)

There were two cannibals eating a clown (gross i know)

and the one cannibal turns to the other and says, does this taste funny to you?

Britt said...

I only have one that I remember when someone says, "Tell me a joke."

I'll warn you, it's better in person (with facial expressions and all that jazz) and totally Lamo-O . .but I love it anyway and YOU asked, so here ya go:

What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back?


Tiffany Crawford said...

How to Catch a Polar Bear.

Step One. Cut a big hole in the ice.

Step Two. Take green peas and line them up all around the outside of the hole.

Step Three. When the Polar Bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole!


Rhonda said...

Basically the only jokes I know really don't belong here. I will tell/type you one that I absolutely love and my husband thinks is super dumb! It's a little long, and better spoken. Here we go:

The madam of a whore house sees two old guys walking up to the door. She tells her girls, "Hurry up and get the blow up dolls. These old buggers will never know the difference!"
So, they pay their money and off they go into their separate rooms to meet their "girls".
A short time later they came out and proceeded to ask each other how "it" was.
The first guy said, "Well, I think mine was dead!"
Second guy, "Dead! Why do you think that?"
First guy, "Well, she just wouldn't move! How was yours?"
Second guy, "I think mine was a witch!"
First guy, "A WITCH!! Why do you think she was a WITCH??"
"Well, because I bit her boob, and then she farted and flew out the window!"


wy-not said...

Pea? Ice hole? Now that is funny!

Keep laughing Melissa. Humour is God's gift that helps us through the rough patches.

I'm so bad with jokes. I just found a bit of "Old Farmers' homespun wisdom" to make everybody smile.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

The Willmons said...

This blonde woman decides to go gambling. So, she walks down to the friendly neighborhood local casino. She walks up to the gaming tables. She announces that she has better luck gambling when she's totally in the nude. So, she rips off her clothes, rolls the dice, and walks off with her winnings. One of the dealers looks at the other and asks, "Wait a minute! What did she roll?" The other dealer looks back and says, "I thought you were watching!"

Lacey in the Sky said...

Well I'm not sure it's the BEST i've ever heard... but it's the one I can actually remember! haha

* A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” *

Shelley said...


None of us should quit our day jobs just yet, but hey, they were silly fun.
Melissa, we love you and pray for you and you're right, we need to laugh sometimes so here goes my two jokes (my 6 year old taught them to me).

1. Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9

2. Why did the hamburger go to the gym?

To get better buns.


Heather said...

You. Are. Amazing.

Most of the jokes that come to mind are not quite appropriate for a blog comment.

Lemme see...

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

Are you laughing? You're not a nun, right? Cause I sure would hate to offend :)

KO said...

a funny bumper sticker earlier in this year's campaign season:

"Vote for Monica's ex boyfriend's wife." ....

You gotta love it... :)

Praying for you, Melissa

Karen said...

I'm terrible at remembering jokes. The only one hat I can ever remember, was one I read in a Playboy.

It was actullay quite a tame one, with no rude words. it sort of stuck wit me, for some strange reason.

So sorry you have to have that surgery. Having had it myself, 3 times too many, it's just so totally unfair.


Anonymous said...

When little Emily came home from her first day of second grade, she promptly asked her mother, "What's sex?" Emily's mother had been expecting the question for some time, so she launched into a well prepared speech about the birds and the bees and eggs and sperm and what happens when two people love each other very, very much and on and on. After about half an hour, noticing that her daughter's brow was still furrowed, she stopped talking. "Honey, haven't you been able to follow what I've been telling you?" "I have, Mom, I really have," replied Emily, pulling her school registration card out of her backpack. "But how am I going to fit it all in this little box?"

Insane Mama said...

its too long for me to leave here, but it is at

WheresMyAngels said...

Big hugs and prayers. I know it had to be rough going in there and seeing all the pregnant ladies. But your right, you have to laugh sometimes to help ease your pain.

Angela said...

Oh my, I wish I had a joke for you. i am terrible about not being able to recall jokes when I want to share them. But I am sending you a huge hug and prayers. Please keep us posted on how everything goes. Love in Christ to you!

Melissa said...

I can say this because I have I'm married to a man who has Polish relatives.....and it's clean.

How do you sink a Polish battleship?

Put it in water!!!

Rhea said...

Hilarious joke. You put on a brave face and I love your sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Melissa, glad you could laugh at that sorry you have to have surgery..and so sorry about the bladder infection. Those come on sooo fast.....

Ok, here's my joke (my apologies, really....)

A bear and a rabbit were going #2 in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies..."No".... So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

sorry...this is the only one I've ever remembered and it makes me laugh every time.....

Merrie said...

Hope you enjoy my late addition...I had an old aunt that loved telling this one.

Two guys are walking down the beach together. The first guy is getting a lot of looks and smiles from the ladies. His friend asks, "Why are they all so interested in you?" The first guy answers discreetly, "I'll tell you my secret. You put a potato in your bathing suit."

The next day, the same two guys are walking along the beach again. This time, the ladies are all pointing and laughing at the friend, and he doesn't understand why. He says to the first guy, "Why are they laughing? I did what you suggested and put a potato down my bathing suit!"

The first guy says to him, "In the FRONT!"

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