My Nakedness.

You may wonder why I titled today's post My Nakedness. This is a phrase that Remi has recently developed when she strips down to nothing but a diaper and then proceeds to run around screaming, "my nakedness! my nakedness!"

I feel the exact same way right now.

I'm pregnant.



I mean, that is what that means, right?

I ask because although I took one of those tests on the 4th of July and the other of those tests on the 5th of July, I still think there may have been some kind of mistake. I still think this can't be real. So I suppose I'm just looking for a little assurance and validation here.

You may wonder why I'm putting this on my blog. If you know me. At. All. then you know that I am EXTREMELY private about this kind of stuff. I tend to share my personal "stuff" with those few, close people around me and then swear them to secrecy.

But time after time I have received bad news.
And time after time I have had to call people in the 11th hour that I knew would pray.
And time after time I've ended up still crying myself to sleep over what my body fails to be able to do.

Not this time.

This time we're, well, we're takin' it to the streets....so to speak.

See pregnancy is a funny thing. I see these pictures in magazines, ya know, of the husband and wife and they're embracing and smiling and picking out baby furniture. But it's never been that way for us. Not ever. After two miscarriages, ten years of struggling with infertility and then finally having - and losing - a child, pregnancy is anything but embraceable moments and furniture shopping. Anything but!

It often involves praying, night and day.
Crying, night and day.
Doctors visits, that seem to last all day.
Waiting by the phone for test results, that can either make or break your day.

Well, you get the picture.

I want it to be different this time. This time I want the magazine. I want to embrace with the AG and laugh while wildly registering for things in Target. I want to wear a big, ol' maternity shirt and have people say "isn't she cute" instead of "bless her heart." I want to look forward to seeing my babies heartbeat. And not dread it so much that I wish someone would knock me out first. (That is not a lie or exaggeration - that is how much I dread ultrasounds.)

And so I need your help.

I ask you even though I am independent. And stubborn. And proud. And think I can do it all by myself.

But this time I cannot. I need you. I'm not gonna lie.

I need you to pray.

I need you to put my name at the top of that prayer list of yours.

And if you don't believe in prayer, I need you to email me or call me so we can seriously discuss that, and then I can convince you that you're wrong and that it really does work! And then I need you to start praying for me.

This past 4th of July, while you were grilling you hot dogs and buying your fireworks, I was having a little conversation with the Lord. I speak honestly with Him very often...He can take it. We've been through quite a lot together. And I was reminded in that calm, quiet moment that David wrote in the Psalms that he had "never seen the righteous forsaken or God's seed out begging for bread."

Boy, that's the truth. God has NEVER FORSAKEN ME. Not even in our darkest hour. He has never left me. Not once. I know what kind of God I serve. He is good. And faithful. And kind. And did I mention, good?

He hasn't forgotten me. Or lost sight of me. Or overlooked me. OR YOU.

He knows your need, as well.

So today, let's make a deal. You pray for me and the Attorney General and this sweet child that wants me to hold them just as much as I do...and I'll pray for you. Whatever it is. I'll pray. I give you my word.

My friend, Kate, was so right. I am just like that woman who walked up on an empty tomb in Matthew 28:8, and was "Afraid, yet filled with joy."

Thank you for listening to me today. In all my nakedness and vulnerability.

Oh, and whoever prays the hardest gets the reward of having their name used as this child's middle name. (Oh help me, if there's a Lester or a Fanny reading this right now.)