Jun 10, 2008

Whisper This.

I think a child is old enough to fix their own sippy cup of milk when they look at you and say, "Go fix sippy cup." And when you walk out of the room to do so, they add, "WITH MILK!"

I think we've created a monster.

But have you ever seen a monster in a big pink bow? Aaaaaaaaadorable.

Guess who I saw on the Today Show, yesterday? Nope. Not Tom Cruise. Nuh-uh. Not Angelina's twins. No way Jose'. Not the New Kids on the Block reunion concert. I saw The Potty Whisperer.

She is real, people. And she is weird.

Well, I shouldn't say that. I don't know her. I just entertain the notion that things that are beyond my comprehension (or let's get honest - too hard for me to do) are just weird. Maybe they're not at all, but I call them that. Because it makes me feel better. And bigger.

For instance, if I see someone roller blading...I say, "that's weird." Because I've tried it and can't do it. And so it makes me feel better to call them names.

Or if I see someone forgoing dessert, I might say, "Okay, that is just weird." Because that is a task entirely too difficult for me - so I make fun of it.

Get the gist?

Or let's say I see one of my friends, uh, I don't know, let's say, making bread. I would say, "Okay, we can't hang out any more cuz that's just weird." Again, maybe they're not weird. But making bread is. Because I can't do it. I've tried. I even bought a bread machine. Still can't. (Bread machine will be on sale this weekend at garage sale. Stop by.)

So I think this Potty Whisperer is weird. Mainly because she can get small children to do what I can't even get my child to say. She can get them to sit on the potty, I can't even get her to say "potty." She is so abject to the notion of the potty that yesterday I had to go to the potty myself and she stood in front of the door begging me, "Momma don't go in there. Please momma. Don't go near potty."

Also she's weird because she let someone come up with the name The Potty Whisperer for her, and never once said to them, "Hey dude, between you and me, don't call me that again. Okay? It's weird. I mean, Robert Redford made a movie about a horse whisperer and even that didn't do so good. So the chances of me pulling off what even Hubbell Gardner couldn't pull off, is just insane." But no. She stuck with it.

That's just weird.

She believes that if a child pees or poos in their pants/on the floor then they are responsible for cleaning it up. Duh! We know this P.W., that's why we brought our child to you. Because every time we turn our back they poo on the floor and then consider it art. Why do I have to pay you to get them to do what they love to do at home, for free? (The question is, does she sing to them? Because Remi won't clean up anything unless I sing to her the whole time. Who knows.)

So I believe this to be $250 worth of weird.

I think another thing that's weird is that when you enroll your child in her class and they succeed they get to wear t-shirts that say "Booty Camp" on them. And all I'm saying about that is that I find it weird when people use a play on words but it turns out cheezy. Like "Booty Camp" or a man I saw wearing a shirt with a chicken on it that said, "I don't use fowl words."

See? That's weird.

If you were to go to one of the maaaannnnnyy baby whisperer websites, you would see that their proven philosophies are: No punishment, no pressure, no coercion, no shaming. And yet, here are mine: No sitting on mommy's white carpet, no laying on mommy's comforter, no sitting on mommy's lap, no more bathtub time with mommy.

Now I ask you...what is weirder? I mean, if you can't coerce or shame a small child into using the potty then where in the world does that leave us? My mom raised me on 8 pound bags of M&M's and feelings of inferiority. And look how I turned out!

It also states not to use "obsessing" or "perfectionism." What? That's just weird. I have obsessed about being perfect for the last 34 years and lady, that's a whole lotta work. Try that at your booty camp.

One website refers to a child from 6-24 months as a "late starter." (Uh....thankfully Remi is just now 24 months because if I had a child that was 26 months and not yet potty-trained, well, I don't mean to embarrass anyone, but I would be so ashamed I wouldn't even leave the house.) I mean seriously, as parents, how embarrassing to have to look at your 8 month old and be like, "What is wrong with you? Why won't you do this? Why aren't you like all the other babies in....India."

See? Weird.

Of course Al Roker swears it worked on one of his kids. And he's the Weather Whisperer. So what do I know? I'm just the Blog Whisperer.


Anonymous said...

My daughter was SUPER easy to potty train, just a potty chair that "flushed" and played music and some star stickers. But guess what? She's now 8 and been having "accidents" for the last 4 years (since I told her I was pregnant with her little brother) and yesterday I had to bring her some fresh clothes to the school because she said "someone was in the bathroom". I have tried EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING, except making her clean the undies herself. I'm so sick of laundry and the bedroom reeking of urine and her reeking of urine and I am at my wits end. I think we need some whisperin'. You think?

Lula! said...

Thanks Melissa. Since my child is almost 32 months and refuses to pee-pee or shadoobie on her own, I reckon I'll now be forced to live within the confines of my own home. You will find me hiding under the covers of my bed, red-faced from my sin and shame. Someone please start singing "Come Just As You Are," to make me feel better.

You will find my daughter in her shadoobie-filled, Target brand pull-ups, screaming, "I DON'T GO POTTY" at the top of her lungs. Because it's extremely rare for a whisper of any kind to issue forth from our mouths.

I'm off to climb into my bed with an enormous bag of peanut M&Ms. There is no hope left for me. Bad Mama, Bad Mama.
p.s. I am officially campaigning for president of Down With The Potty Whisperer Fan Club.

Anonymous said...

My little guy is 19 mos old now and I don't want to even think about potty training yet. I'm still trying to get him off the bottle!!! He does like to "announce" when I'm going potty though....so at least he knows what it is.

How cute is Remi????? That picture of her is ADORABLE!!!! LOVE the shoes!!!

Rhonda said...

Okay, you are just toooo funny! I love your wording and your perspective!
Oh, and I have a "shouldabin" name for the potty whisperer...."potty mouth"! Or how about a theme song? "I'm here for the potty..."

Okay. I admit it's been a very long day. I'll go now....

Anonymous said...

Pottie Whisperer????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME...
okay tomorrow I start a new career..
I will be:


Swirl Girl said...

Gimme the damned number please
read my recent post on my 4 year (yes, stop judging me now) old's control over me with this...


Jonathan Paul said...

Loved this post; laugh out loud funny!

It seems that everybody has their own method for potty training, doesn't it? My parents used a "potty training in one day" method that actually worked quite well. I'll have to get the book and use it for my kids some day. :o)

happymcfamily said...

Remi is adorable!
Your blog posts are so much more interesting to read than mine are :)

Lauren said...

Came over from SITS.

It took me over a year to potty train my now 3 year old, and we still have major pooping issues. The day that I finally gave up and no longer cared if she sat in a wet diaper all day was the day that she decided that she could do this pottying stuff.

Debbie said...

She'll do it when she's ready. I really believe that. Plus it relieves the Mommy Guilt from not having the Perfect Child, despite being the Perfect Mommy.
(I'm not the Potty Whisperer, but I think I could be since I trained 1 3 year old boy. Good times!)
And trust me on this one, demanding the sippy cup be made with milk is much prefered to taking matters into one's own hands because Mommy is too busy with the laundry (okay, blogging) and I'm firsty.

ugagirl30 said...

I know, right. Someone just told me about the potty whisperer. I think it is weird too. I am one of those mom's whose child is a late starter. She is 30 months (yes, you heard me right--30 months) and about two weeks ago finally grasped potty training. My middle child was 1 week short of being 3 when she finally got it. Oh, the embarrassment my children have caused me (and the financial drain from having two in pullups and diapers)!